Discounting Labels

Will we ever get past the notion that we must have perfect bodies in the gay world to be a part of it? I know there’s different subgroups within our community, but I don’t want a label. I’m not a bear, I’m not a twink. What is this, high school all over again? I get that we’re all attracted to “types,” but does nobody take the time to get to know the person inside? Or am I just meeting the wrong guys? Denver isn’t Hicksville, but sometimes it sure feels like it. 

Thomas in Denver

Just as straights are socialized to consider only one particular type of body as “perfect”—a six-pack for guys and a size negative 2 for gals—we’re just as capable of falling into that groupthink. Regardless of sexuality, all of us need to learn that’s a load of BS. Be the change you want to see, Thomas, and keep bitching at those bitches who have yet to learn we are all human beings, not niche markets. And send photos! You angry activist “types” make me so hot!

Sex? What Sex?

My boyfriend and I have been together for three years, but I feel like we’re growing apart. Yeah, I know, it happens to everyone. But I don’t want it to happen to us. Our sex is infrequent (a two-month slump now), and I think this lack of intimacy is hurting us even though we remain the best of friends and genuinely have a good time together. We’re still kissing and cuddling, but I miss the passion. I know I can’t expect what we had when we first started, but am I wrong to hope for some flickers to come back? I really do want to make this work. 

Alexander in Cambridge, MA

Ah, that initial passion is what gets us together. When it wanes and we finally stop spending all our time buggering like bunnies, we have the opportunity to ask ourselves, “Who the hell is this guy I’ve been humping?” Intimacy’s a lot more than gyrating genitals. You’ll never be as naked as when you show another person your whole heart, warts and all. Okay, that’s an icky mix of metaphors, but you get what I mean. This “down” time is a great opportunity to continue the love (if not the twice-daily dallying) by communicating and learning about each other. “You swallowed a banana whole at a frat party talent show and they didn’t know you were gay?” “Yeah, and did I tell you my grandma taught me that trick?” If you stick with it (and get beyond the grandma TMI moments), a different kind of passion evolves, one with a new depth and richness that was never possible before. As you continue your relationship, sexual passion will ebb and flow. And while a good bedroom bounce is always great, you’ll learn that ultimately it’s the caring, compassion and day-to-day loving kindnesses that are most important. Aw, hell. Just look, you made me cry, and I hate you for that!

Didja Try Craigslist?

I’m looking for a strong dominant boyfriend. Is there anyone out there like that for me?

Jeff in Kentucky

There are guys out there who fit any description, let alone one as generalized as yours. I mean, seriously, define “strong.” Define “dominant.” Define “boyfriend,” for that matter. You probably didn’t mean it this way, but your question reads like the kvetching I hear from guys who’ve never really considered what they actually, truly do want. And I’m not talking just the physical. Bubble butts and no gag reflex have their allure, but you gotta look deeper. Are you talking strong in muscles, character or will? Does dominant mean master/slave, or someone who’ll challenge you? Okay, then. In what ways and areas? And how far? And there’ are probably other important criteria you haven’t considered. Not until you have a carefully considered idea of exactly what you’re looking for will you be ready to go shopping. Do that homework, and then get back out there. He’s waiting for you. Only right now he’s being chatted up by a handsome jerk who’s all wrong for him—and you need to rescue him from all that!

Think relationship guru Joel Perry has the answer?

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