I’m in love and we’re talking about moving in together. We’ve dated for a year and are compatible in every way except one. He’s had a pet iguana for the last seven years and absolutely loves it. It lives in a huge enclosure taking up most of his living room, but he lets it wander around the house when he’s home. He even has pictures of it at work—next to mine! I can’t stand the idea of living in the same house as this creepy lizard, but I can’t ask my boyfriend to get rid of his beloved pet. Help!
Zack Baton Rouge, LA
Iguanas are very difficult to keep. Your man is what’s called an “extreme ownership person,” someone willing to make the lifestyle modifications to keep his lizard lively. After five years of this, iguanas bond—like superglue—to their owners. And that’s why it’s his baby. So I’m afraid it’s a matter of “Love me, love my scaly reptile.” But consider this: If he goes to these lengths for a lizard, think how caring he could be to you.
WHY DOES EVERYONE SUCK BUT ME?
I’ve never had a relationship last more than a month or so. Either they are a lying, cheating asshole or they’re amazing but want to be together forever within two weeks. What’s odd is that I want to be with someone, and yet when I get there, all I want is to be away from them. Do you know of anything to help me get over this...whatever “it” is?
Russ via Internet
Funny how it’s always their problem and never yours, innit? “It” is your deep ambivalence about being in a relationship. Part of you wants it, but the part of you that doesn’t is putting the blame on others and—for whatever reason—keeping you single. If everybody in the dating pool falls so neatly into either the lying-cheating-asshole or the together-forever-within-two-weeks camps, you need to stop dating and look at what it is about you that either keeps seeing things that way or drawing these types to you. There is a life-changing revelation waiting for you in this if you are willing to work at understanding it. And it’s not gonna happen overnight. Change is a process, and a therapist can help guide you through the internal work you need to do. Just do it soon before you turn all crabby and bitter, okay? Or are we already too late?
NO SEX FOR YOU
I am dating the best guy ever, and our relationship is perfect—except for his lack of sex drive. He says guys in their 30s sometimes have that issue, but I get confused. He goes online and looks at porn, and before me he had sexual encounters. But since he started dating me it feels as if he is not interested in sex. How should I handle this, and what is wrong?
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Jeremy Hollywood, CA
Hey, Jeremy, see if this sounds familiar: I just bought the best car ever, and it’s just perfect—except for its lack of a gas tank. No gas tank? Hmm, I guess that doesn’t make it much of a car, does it? Maybe I should look around for a model that has the stuff I need before towing it to my driveway, huh? Get real, Jer. It’s right there in your letter that he’s having sex, just not with you. This whole “guys in their 30s sometimes have that issue” is a big steaming pile. Guys in their 50s, 60s, etc., have “that issue,” not guys in their 30s. Stay friends, but move on, because your “relationship” is like my car without the gas tank. It ain’t goin’ nowhere.
BARBRA, CAN YOU HEAR ME?
Mr. P, please settle a debate between me and my friends: Why is Barbra Streisand such a bitch these days?
Jesus De La Cruz Tempe, AZ
These days? (Okay, I’m just gonna let that pass.) Maybe it’s because her gay son, Jason, is now prettier than she is. Or James Brolin is allergic to Viagra. Who the hell can say? All I know is if I could get away with charging $700 a head so people can watch me read a TelePrompTer full of lyrics to songs I’ve been singing since the Kennedy administration (!), I’d sure be a lot easier to get along with. I happen to respect Babs, her lefty politics, her overindulgent movies and her miraculous voice, but it’s time for some diva decaf!