Help! I Haven't Had Sex With My Boyfriend In Three Weeks
Tuesday, 01 January 2008
NO SEX FOR YOU!
My boyfriend of four years and I have not had sex in almost three weeks! We normally hump like rabbits in heat. When I express my sexual frustration, he quickly dismisses the matter. I love him, yet I feel unwanted and unwelcome. What do I do?
Horny & Confused Virginia
Something’s up. I’m not saying it’s another guy, or that he’s keeping you at bay during his 21-day pill regimen for that inconvenient little STD he picked up, (although it could be either), but when a longtime pattern breaks suddenly and without warning, there’s a reason. And you need to find out what that is. Sit him down and, in a loving and supporting way, call him on his shit. As 50% of the relationship, you have a total right to know what’s going on. Just be prepared that it might not be something you want to hear. I’ll look for your letter next month about that.
ME LOVE YOU SHORT TIME
Every time I date someone and they start to get to close, I push them away. I’ve dated some of the nicest guys but I always seem to blow it. Some say that you need to love yourself before you can love someone else…well, I think I have that problem. A friend of mine said there are retreats where you can go to start the process of getting over this. Do you know of any?
Mark via Internet
I love retreats, but if you’re serious about this, go for therapy. You need a guide to help you get to the root problem of why you seem to self-sabotage because, believe me, if you’re doing this in your love life, it’s also happening in other areas. A self-sabotauer might feel kinda stuck at work, too, or maybe have a hard time with money, or friendships, or addictions, or all of the above. Sound familiar? But you have three giant things going for you: 1) you recognize the pattern; 2) you want to change; and 3) you have already engaged in looking for ways to change. If you can’t afford a therapist, try the book Gay Spirit Warrior: An Empowerment Workbook For Men Who Love Men by John R. Stowe. It has excellent and challenging commentary plus insightful self-discovery exercises to help you find your own best self and celebrate it in your life. If you still want retreats, Google “gay men’s gatherings” and you’ll find places in California, Ohio, Maryland, North Carolina, Connecticut, etc. Take “gay” out of the search, and the field opens up even wider. However, the men don’t.
MOMMA, CAN YOU HEAR ME?
I told my dad I’m gay and he’s fine with it. He told my mom and she took me to the doctor! She knows I’m gay, but tries to ignore it, which annoys me a lot. What can I do to make her understand?
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You’ve done your part. You can’t make anyone understand, just as you can’t force someone to love you. Your mom has a lot of processing to do, but that’s her work and you just have to allow her to do it. The only thing you can do is continue to be you, unashamed and open. Keep doing that until she realizes you’re the same person you always were—only now she has another piece of the puzzle that explains why instead of Boys’ Life and Junior Scholastic, you had subscriptions to muscle magazines and Martha Stewart: Living.
DON’T BE HATING!
My boyfriend’s obsessed with celebrity gossip but I hate it. HATE HATE HATE it. I think it’s trivial and takes attention away from real problems facing our community and world. He’s a smart guy, but you’d never know it from the way he only talks about pop culture. How do I get him to be interested in more important things than Britney Spears?
Jordan New Jersey
Obsessively wrapping ourselves in distractions like celebrity gossip, fantasy football, partying or even religion can be ways of avoiding real problems. Attempts to control one’s boyfriend could also fit that category, so what’s up with that? I also wonder about a person throwing around so much HATE HATE HATE, and how that may be affecting your relationship. Nobody changes unless they want to, so you might as well spend this time working on yourself, Jordie. Once you clean up your issues, you may find he’s not so bad. Or that Britney really is that fascinating. Or…perhaps…one of you needs another boyfriend.
You got troubles? Of course you do! We all do. But Joel’s here to help you and your man out. E-mail Joel at