After being together for two years, my boyfriend recently moved in. Problem is, he’s an absolute mess who lives in squalor. I didn’t know because his old roommate did all the cleaning. He’s put together, professional and amazing in every other way, but my beautiful disaster cannot load a dishwasher or throw dirty clothes in the washer. I’ve talked to him about this, and he acknowledges he needs to start helping out, but then doesn’t. What’s a boy to do? I want to be his partner, not his mom.
Nick Madison in Miami, FL
Gay or straight, why does every lover think “I can change him” when that never works out? Nicky, this goes deeper than his undies hanging off the TV. It’s about respect and partnership. Your needs are not being respected, and he’s only paying lip service to helping out or contributing as a true partner would. And just so you know, the way he treats your wishes and living space is a metaphor for how he will treat the relationship. How much more mess can you take?
WHO’S THAT GIRL?
If I want to f@$#k the “girl” in the photo [“The Skinniest Bitch On The Block,” Spotted, Nov. 2009] does that make me gay? I’m still in the closet, but I seek a boyfriend for a “Man to Man” relationship. I am a masculine male seeking a transgender or cross dresser.
William D. in Windsor, NC
Darling, I couldn’t possibly know what you are. Our journey on this wacky planet includes the task of each of us figuring out that question for ourselves, and then living the answer with joy and designer accessories. Writing in with a question like this tells me you’re right in the middle of that confusing, scary, sexy adventure—especially if, as you say, you’re still in the closet. Cut yourself some well-deserved slack, and go experiment with what tickles your fancy so you can learn more about yourself. Just do yourself a big favor first and put aside any labels—especially labels other people might try to give you. Because whatever your sexuality may turn out to be, ultimately you are not “this” or “that” at all. You are William D. and whatever that is or evolves into, it’s worth celebrating. And I hope my other readers are paying attention when I say you are exactly what the Universe felt it needed at this place and time or you wouldn’t be here as you are. As tired as the song is, it may be time for a lot of us to download that old warhorse “I Am What I Am” from La Cage Aux Folles to remind ourselves of its corny-but-still-true message of two decades ago: “I am my own special creation.” Whatever that ends up being, whether it’s Mr. Macho or like LA drag star Detox in the photo you mentioned, you’re still welcome at our party. And if you can’t make it to ours, start your own shindig, Billy D!
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LOOKING TO CRUISE
Where do gays go on vacation? I need to get out of this two-cow town and meet some men. Instinct always features great places in your travel section but most of them are out of the country or seem too expensive. Is a gay cruise a good alternative?
Getaway Guy in Waterloo, IA
Gay cruises are great, but not cheap. You’re generally paying a premium for the privilege of being in a concentrated population of guaranteed-gay guys confined to a boat with only so many places they can run to get away from you. But ask around, that may be just my experience. You may simply have to save your ducats for a while so you can afford to fly to some gay event for your land-cruising. Whatever turns your crank, there’s a gay gathering for it: International Mr. Leather (May 28-31, Chicago), Disney World Gay Days (June 1-7), Provincetown Bear Week (July 10-18), or a pride festival in a city you’ve longed to visit. Go on line and make friends (carefully!) who might even let you stay with them. Be creative and you can do this on the cheap. I’ve done it. And I work at this magazine, so believe me I know cheap!