At 25, I was sentenced to 57 months in prison (28 months served) for vehicular manslaughter and DUI. Nine months ago I met two amazing men: Jake, a 27-year-old inmate and Phillip, a gay 28-year-old college student on MySpace. Jake and I became close friends. Phillip and I have, too, through letters, visits and hours on the phone. We’ve even planned a future relationship! During this, Jake offered encouragement and relationship advice concerning Phillip. However, Jake recently expressed his desire for a relationship with me—not now, but after release. I’m torn between these two awesome guys. What should I do? The Confused Convict
Writing this column, I always wish I had more information, but I only get what’s contained in the letters. So going on what’s here, and my substantial flabby gut, I lean toward Phillip. My reasons are flimsy, but here they are. If you’re so close with Jake, why doesn’t he want a relationship, even on the down low, here and now in the Big House? Phillip wants the relationship now. He has demonstrated that, along with his feelings, with visits, phone calls and letters. Plus he doesn’t have a criminal record, which would put a crimp in things when you guys apply for a loan on a double-wide.
NO MARRIAGE, THANK YOU Am I the only gay in America who could care less if we’re allowed to marry? I’m gay and I don’t have any desire to get married, especially to a man. I like sex with men, and with lots of different men. I also like the freedom of my sexuality and don’t want to be cornered into a relationship just to be “normal.” Is anyone else out there with me? Raymond via instinctmagazine.com
Yes, there are people like you out there, Raymond. I see you sitting in the bars and mocking us as we march for your rights. So let me be very clear for you—and for all you other Raymonds out there—this is not a we-want-to-be-“normal” thing. Hell, who even knows what “normal” is? But the marriage thing, that is an equality issue. Period, end of story. Or are you content with your tax dollars maintaining a government that views you as worth less than straight people and that enforces laws to keep it that way? The marriage issue strikes at the very heart of that oppression. Your letter reads like some 20-year-old saying, “I could care less if I have healthcare, because I’m not sick today and don’t plan to get hurt in an accident.” Well, Ray-Ray, one day you might grow up. And if that happens, you just might fall in love with a person you want to make the adventure of your life. Then you’d be mighty happy to have the option of choosing that equality. Besides, being in a committed relationship, whether through marriage, domestic partnership or just living together in lust, doesn’t mean you necessarily have to give up sex with other men (although I’d strongly advise honest communication with your partner before you do it!) or whatever other criteria you use to define the “freedom of my sexuality.” Forget being “cornered” into some vague future relationship, dear. Because here, now, today, you’re already “cornered” into a little thing called inequality.
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KEEPING IT TO HIMSELF I’m an 18-year HIV survivor. My companion of six years is negative, but I’m terrified I could pass it on to him. When my ex of seven years came to me after four years and said he was poz, I felt he was trying to blame me for it, although I know how his behavior was prior to us being together. Still, we practiced safe sex, and he was tested twice a year. I know deep down I didn’t give it to him, but I still think “What if?” As careful as I am with my current partner, if he turned up poz, I couldn’t live with myself. I love him and I never want to pass on HIV to anyone. Any advice? Rhiannon in Louisville, KY
My advice is twofold. One, continue taking all of your loving precautions with your partner. And two, explore resources where you can work out your feelings of anxiety over this. After living with HIV for 18 years, don’t you think you deserve to move toward living free of these unnecessary, negative emotions? Think about it—how can you have a complete, loving relationship with a person when you’re held hostage by HIV fears that prevent you from being fully present to and with your partner? I mean, HIV is livable, but the dread is crippling you. And possibly your relationships. Dear one, I wish I could solve your problem in 350 words, but this is long-term work that you have to do yourself. So my New Year’s wish for you is that in 2010 you’ll find the help you need to face these fears and transform them from obsession into healthy, practical responsibility for taking sane precautions.
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