Q: I’m at my guy’s house for our fourth date. I’ve actually liked him enough to have it go this far. He needed to jump in the shower, so he left me with a glass of wine in his living room. There were two huge bookcases in the room, and I was impressed. He reads! Then I saw some of the titles and got turned off right away. He had almost two full shelves of self-help books. I could understand one or two books, maybe, but is he trying to be his own therapist? Am I being too harsh? I wanted to bolt. I didn’t, but the date was awkward because I had those books in my head!
Kyle A. in Barton, WI
A: He’s naked and wet in the next room, and you’re obsessing over books?! Whatevs. Okay, so maybe two shelves is a little overkill. But consider this, Kyle: Whatever he’s learned from those books kept you coming back beyond the first date. Besides, would you rather he not try to work on himself? A person like that would probably be all judgmental about, oh, I dunno, bookshelves and stuff. Or are you looking for ways to sabotage having a relationship? Instead of going to your usual headspace of freaking out (which might be a pattern for you—I’m just sayin’), what if you took a deep breath and addressed it? “Hey, I noticed you had a ton of self-help books. What’s up with that?” Try that approach because A) you could actually learn something about him; and B) if you’re this skittish about print, God help you when you find out his porn doesn’t look like you.
KLAATU BARADA NIKTO, SARAH!
Q: In your honest opinion, is Sarah Palin an alien life-form brought to Earth to destroy our planet?
“alvin” via instinctmag.com
A: My dear lower-case alvin, the Sarah Palins of the world aren’t the problem; they’re the symptom. We get the leaders we deserve and the pundits who sell the most advertising. If we as a society weren’t so crazy-eager to hand over our personal power to anyone with a microphone, if we actually took the time to think things through and consider that ours may not be the only possible point of view, if we examined what we were doing rather than what we felt we needed to sell and/or buy, Ms. Palin would be a PTA mom, Rush Limbaugh would be parking cars and Bill O’Reilly would be asking if you wanted paper or plastic. So to answer your question, no, Sarah Palin is not an alien. Until we all wise up, I am sad to say that Sarah Palin is us.
JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU
Q: Is it possible for my friend to hang out with us gay guys but not really be gay? I think he’s avoiding admitting he’s gay because he’s not attracted to me and doesn’t want to hurt my feelings because I’m crushing on him big-time.
“High School Sucks” via
instinctmag.com
A: Darling, regardless of his sexuality, if he’s not attracted to you, he’s not attracted to you. I have the same sexuality as numerous hot, studly men, yet for some utterly inexplicable reason, they’re not all attracted to a furry daddy bear like moi. That’s called life. Go crush on somebody who’s more receptive to your charms. Like that furry daddy bear in the corner.
BOSS CRUSH
Q: My boss is an athletic, sexy, blue-eyed blond. I have a huge crush on him. When I’m near him, I just want to jump his bones. He recently had shoulder surgery, and the thought of him naked and helpless on an operating table turns me on, I’ve had this image stuck in my head ever since. His recent divorce and some of the “odd fellows” he hangs with call his sexuality into question. Am I just a hopeless romantic or just plain crazy for thinking I could have any chance for some kind of relationship with this man?
“Spud in Idaho”
A: What part of “he’s your boss” are you not getting? You and “High School Sucks” should form a club—the Inappropriate Crush Crew. You could get all drooly together over your sisters’ fiancés or try putting the moves on the office FedEx guy (which never works out like the porn, trust me). I don’t care if the “odd fellows” your freshly divorced boss is hanging with are the Boise Boys Choir. That doesn’t give you permission to cross such a huge, throbbing, glistening, tempting boundary. This is the man who signs your paycheck, Spuddy. Haven’t you ever heard “Don’t shit where you eat”? Let! It! Go! I’m sure you’ll make a great spouse for a loving man (I’m all for hopeless romantics, just not delusional ones), but for the love of your 401(k) benefits, go man-fishing in some other pond.
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