Q: If he says he’ll call you but doesn’t, should you call him?
Brent via instinctmagazine.com
A: You’re asking me about the gay “rules,” right? Well, by all means, follow the “rules” of the waiting/calling game if you want to win a game-player. If you want a real person, screw the games and be real yourself. If you want him, call him. It’s that simple. If he’s interested, he’ll let you know. (Don’t keep calling him, though—that just comes off as desperate or stalker-y, and neither is pretty.) If you set up a meeting and he flakes again, then he’s not interested and you’re free to go back to that man-buffet I like to call “Life.” Okay, Brent, we’re done. But I need to say something about life and game-playing to everyone else. I just had a perfectly good friend die. Seizure at 42. Yeah. This morning I read about a pro athlete who croaked of a cardiac arrest—at 26. Get this: You don’t have time to play games. Start living—now—by being real in all of your relationships, including the one with yourself. Being authentic, sincere, loving and kind will win you the person you’re looking for much faster than any game. It also makes moving from games like spin the bottle to hide the sausage a lot more fulfilling.
Q: I’m 19, and have one of the weirdest problems. I like sex but have never engaged in it, so I’m a virgin. I’ve never had a boyfriend. I do want one, but at the same time I don’t. I don’t have any gay friends to discuss this with because I don’t have any to begin with. Is it strange to want one thing but also the exact opposite? Or do I just have decision-making problems?
Franco in Columbus, GA
A: Dear one, you’re not weird. You’re at a normal developmental stage where competing urges are yanking you in more confusing directions than Kate Gosselin’s hair. It’s also an extremely messy time. It comes with back zits and halfhearted body hair and 24/7 erections. No wonder you feel like you’re going crazy. So let’s get you a plan of action. Your first need is to cultivate some gay friends so you’ll have a support system as you go into the dating world. From there, take your time. Let sex with another person arrive when you feel it’s right. Allow that special person, that man who will remove your ambivalence with a loving touch, time to show up and make himself known. Then fuck like bunnies. Afterward, tell your new gay friends about it and make them all jealous. That’s what they’re for.
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Q: I’m in my mid-30s, and like a lot of gays I have a group of gals from the early-gays of coming out who’ve been with me through it all. Now these ladies have paired off and started procreating like crazy. Their lives revolve around family, suburbs and church groups, and mine around the city, my hubby and fighting church groups. They never make their religion or kids an issue, but it is an issue for me. I’m just not interested in the important things in their lives. And I don’t like being a gay accessory anymore, sitting by as they have their kids baptized, etcetera, into old hateful religions. How do I save these relationships without it just being a chore?
Dalin in Washington, DC
A: When any relationship becomes a “chore,” that’s a red flag telling you it needs re-examining, and possibly some decisions about letting it go. A relationship is a two-sided thing. You have to reach out and they need to reciprocate. If it’s all about having you show up with a baptism gift but with nothing in return coming your way, it stops being a relationship and becomes an imposition. It may be that yours and your gal-pals’ lives are now moving apart, and you just have to accept that. Love them for what they brought into your life and let them go. Just don’t burn any bridges. Many of the women who fell out of my life when they had kids have returned now that the kids are grown. I’m very glad for that unexpected development. And in retrospect, I can see that it was both natural and what we needed to do at the time. Like experimenting with home perms or walking around the mall doing poppers. (What, I was the only one?) In the meantime, cultivate other friends and interests that nurture and sustain you. And avoid home perms.