The gayttention span, a distinctly different scientific phenomenon than the run-of-the-mill attention span, is fickle and needy. It's accustomed to regular distraction from Googling Joe Manganiello every four minutes, being able to find at least one incarnation of Real Housewives on cable at any given moment and actively plotting the re-Feng-Shui-ing of living quarters with brain power reserves, to say the least. But with Miss Hurricane Irene expected to aggressively blow on more men across the Northeast than Lady Bunny, the population's power, fresh water and phone services are at risk of cutting out for...(dun dun dun) DAYS! What will homosexuals in the most-gay-saturated areas (Provincetown, Rehoboth as well as New York City, Philadelphia, Boston and D.C.) do? Following are ten gay suggestions to maximize the fun of your Hurricane Irene experience!
1.) Hurricane Irene house party!
Gays NEVER need an excuse to throw a house party, but Irene totally wants us to! Find a friend who lives on the highest ground (though this weekend is not the weekend for a penthouse party in Midtown Manhattan), dust off that bottle of Siberian vodka or box of wine you’ve been saving, grab your ‘Go Bag’ and start the party marathon! Because of the sheer size of Irene, folks in the Northeast could be stuck indoors for nearly 20 hours, so any pre-Labor day diets cutting out drinks and/or food should be tossed out the gust-shattered windows! (Image source)
2.) Start designing and marketing “I survived Hurricane Irene” memorabilia
Two things in our gay genes can keep us busy during the 18 hours we’ll be barricaded indoors: our keen fashion sense and our close relationship with drama! Start sketching fierce designs for t-shirts, hats, pins, even underwear and jockstraps to cash-in on any “I survived Hurricane Irene” ephemera! Ensure you have enough battery power remaining on your iPad to set up an Etsy shop before any other business-minded ‘mos. (Image source)
3.) Play truth or dare
Hour 10 of your epic Hurricane Irene House Party will be the best time to change things up with a game of truth or dare (or other adult game that carries a high possibility for scandal). Inebriated guests who are emotionally-vulnerable from the howling winds and possibly-non-existent power may provide the most robust game of truth or dare yet of your party-going career. Be sure to ration camcorder (whether on your smart phone or point-and-shoot) to record the possible viral-hit video material you'll likely witness. (Image source)
4.) Enjoy bad food
Homosexuals are notorious nutrition nuts. We prioritize staying in shape and living healthy. Unfortunately, healthy, nutritious foods will be the first to go bad after a day without power and refrigeration. Now’s not the time to embark upon a guilt-trip. Carbo-load! Get a sugar-high! Don’t worry—your gorgeous body is not going to drastically change from a few days of noshing on last-minute bodega non-perishables. Relish it because starting Tuesday you’re on the no-solid food Labor Day diet that deemed mandatory for American gays (President Obama issued the edict last week!). (Image source)
5.) Find time for fitness
Ok, Ok; I know that even an extra calorie of junky-junk food might send cabin-fever sufferers into gay guilt (a variety of the similar Catholic gene) trips. So, whether you like to lift, prefer Pilates or yearn for yoga, you will have ample time to catch up on your training in the privacy and comfort of your home! If you’re able to keep your downward dog focus with 100 mph winds gusting outside your window, congrats—you’ve achieved enlightenment! If you’re a little (like 8 months) late on New Year’s fitness resolutions, this weekend might be the time to catch up! In fact, there are apps for it: About.com's Best Fitness Apps 2011 (Image source)
6.) Annoy Engage Our Friends/Family Not Living On The East Coast With Constant Twitter/Facebook Updates
It was mere days ago that our West Coast friends commenced a major eye-rolling sequence after the historic Great East Coast Earthquake of 2011. Why not send their eyes-rolling full-course with even more natural disaster social networking? I mean, how else will our non-East Coast friends and family worry when our internet/phone service finally goes out if we don’t subject them to a barrage of #Irene Tweets and Facebook status updates every ten minutes leading up to power loss? Make 'em fun and let the full drama-queen fly. They'll appreciate it. Promise.
7.) Play dress up with your pet
Everybody knows you LOVE to dress-up your dog and/or cat. But rude pedestrians (and sometimes even Fido or feline himself) tend to throw you judgey-side-eyes even when you simply throw a sensible couture Fendi jacket over your pet in inclement weather. The gull! Guess what? Nobody will pass judgement this time around if you spend day two of a power-outage stuck at home dressing up your pooch or pussy like Lady Gaga! Start planning the outfit now, even. It's the rational thing to do. (Image source)
8.) Visit Grindr (but don’t be a dick)
Northeastern gays firing up Grindr during Hurricane Irene boredom risk blowing their smartphones up into a million glittery gay pieces as the service is likely to be absolutely bustling this weekend, that is, as long as phone batteries can survive running the notorious power-drainer. Did you know there is a hilarious Douchebags of Grindr blog that receives lots of attention? While gays inevitably visit the service, might I kindly suggest that a natural disaster is not the best time to be a dick while chatting, and risking a submission of your profile to the aforementioned website? Get to know someone new and outside your typical type (like a real-life bear, for instance)! Expand your homo horizons! Don’t take it seriously—unless you have a blow-up lifeboat (or blow-up Taylor Lautner life-size doll), you will not be able to consummate your chat sessions during Hurricane Irene. If you're in a monogamous relationship or simply don't cruise the application, visit the D-bags of Grindr blog for hours of Hurricane Irene entertainment (and perhaps even for a reminder of why you don't Grind)! (Image source
9.) Stage a one-man production of Showgirls
Watch Showgirls tonight and start committing your lines to memory. Don't worry—they're simple and brainless. Only a minor set-design will be necessary given the budget of the cult-hit film. Who knows? Maybe a hurricane gust will send a severed limb as a projectile through your window and wham!, you have a stripper pole! (Be sure to sandpaper and wear gloves while re-enacting stripper pole scenes with a severed tree limb—nothing sexier than yard-work gloves.) If you've followed my advice and are throwing a Hurricane Irene party, then congrats—you have a captive audience!
10.) Read Instinct!
Did you know Instinct Magazine is just as gorgeous, entertaining, sassy and informative read by candlelight or flashlight as it is under normal light settings (or backlit on an iPad)? It is! It’s fact! Curl up with the latest Instinct and a candle (well, not too close to the candle—a burning apartment during a hurricane does not make for a good situation) and watch the time fly by!
Hopefully this list will get you through what will be nothing more than one day of really shitty weather. Plan for the worst, pray for the best, East Coast Instincters!