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 SOAPBOX: He Hates Halloween…But Gives Us Some Sugar Anyway
I’ve had good acceptance within the gay community. I’m happy about that. After all, they’re paying customers! As long as you’ve got cash, what the hell do I care what your sexuality is? Gay customers are the best kind—you’ve got two paychecks, no kids, disposable income—I’m like, come to Bruce Campbell Inc., baby! Hell, yeah, I’ll help you guys spend your money.
Think how much you need the new DVD of The Adventures Of Brisco County Jr.: The Complete Series! Of course, there’s also Jack Of All Trades on DVD, or my autobiography, If Chins Could Kill: Confessions Of A B Movie Actor, or my new trade paperback of Make Love The Bruce Campbell Way…with ALL NEW MATERIAL! That’s a lot of Bruce, baby, but I know you guys can handle it.
There’s a new Evil Dead musical opening that I hear is pretty funny! They have a whole routine called “What The Fuck Was That?” It sounds pretty good to me, but there’s no way in hell that I’d be caught singing onstage. The old joke around here is that singers run in my family…they ought to!
Oh, and Freddy Vs. Jason Vs. Ash? That’s old news, man. I think it was a studio executive’s wet dream for about five minutes. Look, it’s a creatively bankrupt project. What, I’m going to show up in somebody else’s franchise to NOT be able to kill ’em? Why else would Ash show up in that dumb franchise world other than to kill both of those losers? Since no one will let that happen—God forbid you kill a franchise—then what’s the point?
I’ve done plenty of low-budget schlock, but I had a good reason at the time. There are projects I wouldn’t do now, but 10 years ago, they looked good. Hindsight, of course. Actually, my reputation as a “cult hero” means nothing to me in my daily life. It means something for potential employment and at conventions, but that’s about it.
Ah, conventions: my dog and pony show. I sass the fans and razz ’em for 45 minutes onstage, then I sign for multiple hours and do photo sessions. Women don’t respond to me there. It’s 16-year-old boys who are trying to take their clothes off at the sight of me. I’ve never gotten a hotel room key from any woman in however many years I’ve been doing this, but it’s a different story when it comes to the fanboys…and who wants their keys? Half of ’em are ugly.
Not much in real life scares the pants off of me, truth be told, particularly not movies. The experience of working on a movie is not nearly as scary as the finished product’s supposed to be. Hate to burst your bubbles, boys, but it’s pretty fake.
I’ve heard that scary movies are supposed to be good date movies, but I don’t think that they are. Sometimes guys will take their girlfriend (or in your cases, boyfriend) to a horror film to see if they’re horror-friendly. You know, they’ll rent Army Of Darkness as a relationship test, to see if they’re cool or not. And if they don’t like Army Of Darkness, then they can drop dead. Not according to me, of course, but according to certain boyfriends.
In my opinion, the worst date movies are Bruce Campbell movies! Some guys don’t dig me at all. They think I’m stupid, that I make these jerk movies where I act like a jerk, that their jerk boyfriends like. They don’t get it for the same reason they don’t think the Three Stooges are funny. They don’t think pain is funny, but pain is hilarious!
On Halloween, I’m the guy who doesn’t dress up. I do that for the rest of the year, you know. But you guys want to have a fun and sexy Halloween, right? Well, I’m not going to have either kind, so why the hell should you?! In fact, I have no tips for you guys whatsoever! Stay indoors! Don’t eat so much sugar that you get fat and unsexy! While you’re at it, skip Halloween, if you want to be sexy!
Oh, and hail to the king, baby!
Dig evildeadthemusical.com or bruce-campbell.com
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