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 SOAPBOX: Hollywood's Favorite Survivor Ponders Life As President
My first act as
President, in this current state, would
be to get out of Iraq immediately.
There is no solution right now, and
no one seems to realize that. You can
get out and get out quickly by saying,
“Look, they now have a democracy.”
Civil rights for gay people are
another thing I would rectify. What
the current government is doing to
gays is horrible! Bush is too much of
a people pleaser. He’s pleasing those
who want the war, the oil—people
against the gays. And for that,
everyone suffers. This is America!
This whole thing about gays not
being able to get married is crazy! If
you want to get married, I say you
should get married. Hey, I was gay
for the day. Today I saw this girl I get
together with every month. I love
that girl.
I would be a single president and
be fucking everyone! I would be
using that White House better than
Bill Clinton and be getting laid left
and right. I’d be having a blast! Who
wants a president who does not
enjoy sex? That’s really creepy.
My vice presidential running mate
would be gay, straight or whatever,
as long as they knew what the hell
they were doing. I have a strong
work ethic and expect the same
from everyone around me. No task
is menial to me—except for cleaning
up puke. I will not do that!
Prostitution would be regulated.
I am building a brothel right now
in Nevada. In Las Vegas proper,
prostitution is illegal. That’s Clark
County. There have been 380 cases of
HIV there. Now, where prostitution
is legal, there have been zero cases
and zero sex crimes. Not making it
regulated keeps the pimps in power
and beats the prostitutes down.
Everyone thinks you can abuse
prostitutes, because no one will care.
They forget about what Jesus did.
The only time he ever got mad is
when he walked in a bazaar, there
were all these prostitutes men were
treating badly. He starts bowling
people over and saying, “How can
you do this? They are people trying
to make a living.” That’s where we get
“Let he who is without sin cast the
fi rst stone.”
The White House would be
redecorated to look like a brothel—a
New Orleans brothel! Everything
would be velvet and look like a
parlor. There would be a lot of secret
doors, things like that. I would give
the outside a faux fi nish. We need a
little Las Vegas in there. There needs
to be something to take away the
stiffness. I was going to make my
brothel an exact replica of the White
House, but then I realized that’s not
fucking sexy at all. So I am going
to pick 20 of the top designers and
go, “Here, you’ve got 1,400 square
feet—build your bungalow! Knock
yourself out.” That is an artistic
person’s dream, to design a brothel.
People don’t realize when they
talk about the economy and the
real-estate bust that it’s impossible.
There are too many people in the
world. Unless they start putting birth
control in cereal boxes and educate
people to this, there will never be a
real-estate bust. Maybe population
control is why we are in Iraq. You
can never go wrong with real estate.
I mean, the movie Gone With The
Wind is not about love. It’s about
America’s fi xation with money
and real estate. Her last words are
something like, “I’ll go to Tara and
never go hungry again.”
Taxes would be made so that
you could fi gure them out and do
them yourself. If you need a tax
accountant and tax attorney, there is
something fucking wrong. I believe
in taxes. Without them, there would
be no education, no museums, no
hospitals—there would be nothing.
But why do you need all these people
to help you fi gure them out? It’s
crazy no one can do his or her own
taxes in this country. It’s a racket.
Environment is my ultimate goal
as president. I am a tree hugger.
When I was in prison, the offi cer
asked me how I felt about working
with inner-city youth for my
community service when I got out. I
told them I would rather save a tree.
The offi cer wanted to send me to the
hole. Then I said, “Hey, hey, wait a
minute! Without trees, there would
be no people. There has to be people
like you to save the kids, and people
like me to save the trees.” He was a
born-again Christian—that’s why it
made him mad. But he changed his
mind about sending me to the hole.
There was no fl aw in my argument.
Hey, I would rather save a tree. At
least I am honest.
Check out Heidi’s books Pandering
and The Player’s Handbook. You can
fi nd them online at heidifl eiss.com.
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