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 SOAPBOX - JOAN RIVERS Gets The Last Word
At 74 years young, Joan Rivers remains a dynamo of sharp wit and an even sharper tongue who says exactly what she thinks about everyone and everything
I think it’s absolutely fabulous that the gays love me! Gay men flock to strong women who are funny. It’s simple. I mean, look who you have always gone to. You’ve gone to Liza, to Bette…and it’s always a lady who is outrageous and who breaks the mold because we are able to say what we want to say. And I’ve never backed down from what I want to say.
I’ve never been anything but gay-positive. One of my earliest jokes was about my hairdresser, Mr. Phyllis. This was 1965 and it was shocking back then to say, “Mr. Phyllis my hairdresser was my bridesmaid.” Shocking! But it always got big laughs. I even said it on Carson. You just have to put it out there—put the gay out there—put everything out there with comedy and once people are laughing they are relaxed about it.
The one thing I always say that I really, really mean is I should have had a gay son. Melissa doesn’t care that Ann Miller can tap without shoes. Doesn’t care! This breaks my heart. I’ve put on the Sirius show tunes channel in the car and Melissa gets upset with me. This is not right! I have many gay friends. I should have them in the front seat with me. God bless each and every one of you!
There isn’t a role I wouldn’t do. I am a whore. Truly. Whatever I am doing I enjoy. When I’m on the stage, I think, This is the best, best, best moment of my life. I adore it. When I’m doing a TV show, I adore it. Right now, I’m on my way to do my stand-up act. I adore it. When I’m writing—I think you get it by now—I adore it. I just love the business. I love the energy.
I’m always working on something. [Joan Rivers: A Work In Progress By A Life In Progress] is my third play that I’ve written. I’ve always wanted to talk about betrayal and that led into me looking at age. Age, body image—these are things gay men think about—well, the issues spoken to in the play are issues all of us go through. Age is something nobody wants to talk about. Nobody wants to get older. You don’t get any smarter. Fuck wisdom! That’s so stupid! My life is continuing, but it doesn’t mean I’m getting any smarter. I was smart at sixteen and I hope I’m still as smart as I was then. Nothing is good about age. Nothing. You just have to work a little harder. Push a little harder. But I can still take on anyone with one hand tied behind my back.
I adore what I do. It’s easy. The hard part is thinking about the day when nobody wants to hear from me anymore, when I’m not in demand. I think the ones who are blessed are the ones who work until they drop. And, honey, I’ll be doing this until I drop. I’m not passing the torch, honey! My hands are going to be rigor mortis around that torch. They’re going to have to cut my hands off. No torch passing!
That’s why I say I’m so lucky, A lot of my friends are actresses—or should I say actors—and don’t have the platform anymore. They’re not writing material for older women. They’re just not. And I feel bad for them. I mean they have to get up and garden all day.
I think it’s always been a youth-oriented industry in this country. England loves their older performers. You become national treasures over there. “Oh, here comes our grand ol’ Judi Dench...again. Here comes Maggie Smith. Let’s go run and see old Maggie. Here’s Peter O’ T’oole. Prop him up.” They just love ’em. In this country it’s not the same.
It’s a whole new era in this industry today. It’s a new world. I have friends who come over with their children, and these kids don’t watch television anymore. They watch it on their iPods or their cell phones or the computer. I’m in talks with AOL to do red carpets with them online.
The one thing I’ve learned on the red carpet: The bigger the star, the smarter they are. The big ones always get it and always have fun with me. It’s the middle section—the ones who you’re not really sure who they are—who are so nervous about it. They are the ones who take offense. The thing I’ve seen in my career is that so many come and go, and if you don’t enjoy it while it’s yours, then you’re an ass. You are such a fool if you don’t get it, take it in and enjoy it while they’re giving it to you.
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If you’re in L.A., check out Joan Rivers: A Work In Progress By A Life In Progress at the gorgeous Geffen Playhouse. For more info and tickets to go to geffenplayhouse.com
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Instinct Online 
written by Scott Rose on April 20, 2008
I love Joan Rivers because she's so much more open about homosexuality than, for example, Anderson Party Pooper. I'm sure Joan loves Melissa even though Melissa doesn?t love show tunes; and if she'd had a gay son, I'm sure he'd've been quite the actress. But may I recommend Joan play Melissa a tune from the hit show Spring Awakening? It would take a really, really uptight straight not to enjoy the song "Totally Fucked." So much classier than anything Cole Porter ever wrote. And not that I'm trying to compete with Joan, but I have done certain really filthy things on red carpets! If those piles could only talk.