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 Love goddess, accordion queen and Grammy-nominated comedian JUDY TENUTA is re-releasing her debut album plus several live tracks on a compilation called Buy This Again, Pigs!: The Best Of Judy Tenuta. And as an ordained minister, she can now officiate your gay wedding in California.
INSTINCT: 1. What movie did you most recently see?
JUDY TENUTA: The Dark Knight. Which, okay, it was great, except—hello—I couldn’t swallow Maggie Gyllenhaal. She looks like a freakin’ catcher’s mitt, okay? What else did I see? Hellboy 2! Which reminded me of my “ex”-crement—except Hellboy’s cuter. [Instinct: Did your ex at least have Hellboy’s build?] No! That’s the other thing. He was like Hellboy—except with a different head and body. And personality.
2. If I didn’t learn the accordion, I would have learned how to play the _______.
Skin flute. Oh, my God, that is so wrong! Why did the Goddess say that? I’m sure all my gaydars play much better than I do.
3. Which of the following does not belong:
a. Barack Obama
b. John McCain
c. Hillary Clinton
d. Paris Hilton
John McCain! Oh, hello! First of all, even though he’s trying to do his part—did you read this?—he’s concerned all of a sudden about the gas crisis, so he’s gonna convert himself into a fossil fuel.
4. Who would look better naked, Christian Bale or Jake Gyllenhaal?
I like Christian Bale, and I especially like that he whacked his mom and sister—I think that is so hot—but Jake Gyllenhaal does it for me. Reese Witherspoon is a lucky bitch!
5. What is your favorite make-out CD?
I love Mariah Carey singing “Touch My Body.” That and “Always Be My Baby.” And, of course, I gotta get a little Donna Summer and Diana Ross. I’m a gay man in a goddess gown!
6. On a scale of 1 to 10, please rank Lindsay Lohan as a lesbian.
I’m going to have to go with a 7 on that, just because I think she’s pulling a little bit of an Anne Heche. I think Lindsay’s like, “Okay, they’re getting tired of me drunk driving with my boyfriends and checking into Promises, so now maybe I’ll try this cute little skinny lesbetarian!” After she gets a car and more liquor, she’ll start with the guys again. Like, “Oh, well, I like the strap-on, but maybe I want the real man-meat!”
7. The person I’m most often mistaken for is _____________.
Kirstie Alley. Just kidding! Believe it or not, I have two. People say, “You look like Madonna.” Except I’m wearing clothes. The other one is Victoria Principal.
8. Which would you rather be trapped on a tour bus with?
a. Coldplay
b. The Pussycat Dolls
c. The Jonas Brothers
The Pussycat Dolls! Oh, my God! I mean, we would be strip-pollin’ the whole time. The Jonas Brothers are a little too young. I don’t want to open a daycare center.
9. What’s the #1 song on your iPod?
Okay, don’t make fun. It’s a little dated, but I just love it. It’s The Spice Girls, “Say You’ll Be There.” Oh, I’m going to play it for you, I just love it. [Song begins in background] I love it!! Don’t you love it?! Here you go! [Sings] “I’m giving you everything! All the joy you bring. This I swear!”
10. You are an ordained minister. Describe what your church looks like.
Well, my church has got to be in the shape of an accordion that could look like a wedding cake. Oh, but you want me to be nasty, don’t you? [Laughs] A giant squeeze-box with a giant man-muscle on top of it! Oh, my God, that’s awful!
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Instinct Online 
