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 SOAPBOX: The Lowdown On The "Down Low"
According to the new book, On The Down Low: A Journey Into The Lives Of “Straight” Black Men Who Sleep With Men by J.L. King, there’s a giant underground subculture of seemingly heterosexual black men out there who are constantly banging each other on the side, leading to record rates of HIV infections among their oblivious wives and girlfriends.
Now, I’ve always known that there are straight guys of every race out there who like a little man-on-man action now and again. But it wasn’t until I saw the unfl appably frank Mr. King break it all down for me on Oprah that I realized how widespread and confounding the “down low” phenomenon actually is. Now it’s practically all I think about.
First off, I have to give King some serious kudos for his fearless, brutal honesty. It takes balls to sit down across from the Big O and make jawdroppingly un-PC pronouncements like, “People look at gay people and think they’re less than men and I don’t want that,” and, “Women who are approaching a certain age who don’t have a man are just desperate.”
As much as I appreciated J.L.’s candor, the real show was watching Oprah’s face change as she slowly realized that Steadman is on the
down low. And the poor soccer moms in the audience? You know they showed up thinking they’d get to see a movie star or maybe snag some of Oprah’s Favorite Things. Instead, they’re informed that the men they married are probably forming daisy chains with each other when they claim to be golfing. I also loved how Oprah pronounced it down looooow. Her thinking must have been, If I can’t say it, then I don’t have to deal with it.
And I know exactly how she feels.
Though King was emphatic about the down low being an exclusively black phenomenon, I’m certain it’s already been appropriated by white people, as all the cool black trends are. I mean, if Justin Timberlake can be on the cover of Vibe, then what on earth is going to stop my father from being on the down low with the UPS man? The bitter truth is, the down low’s going to exist no matter what you call it and no matter what color your skin is.
On a side note, don’t you love when people preface a race-related comment with “I don’t care if you’re black, white, green or purple”? I have yet to figure out who the green or purple people are, but I’m sure most of them are on the down low. The green people might even be on the down low with the purple people. You know how they can be.
According to King, one of the best places to hook up is at church. Church! Della Reese must be beside herself. I’ve decided, for my own sanity, to just assume that the down low is everywhere. Jamba Juice may just as well be called Down Low Headquarters, and, let’s face it, it’s only a matter of time before Starbucks starts offering a special Down Low Mochaccino. “Smooth and creamy and goes down easy.”
As for us poor womenfolk, King’s message seems to be, “Wake up, sister, because this shit’s been going on since the times of Spartacus.” I’ve decided to take a “what’s good for the goose” approach and go on the “lown low,” which is the lesbian down low. It’s a very exclusive sorority—only for white redheads like me, Vicki Lawrence, Ann-Margret—and, according to Mr. King, as long as we tell our husbands about it, it’s A-okay to keep getting our same-sex jollies. (Angie Everhart, if you’re reading this and want to hook up, shoot me an e-mail.)
Speaking of husbands, I’m now convinced mine’s on the down low. In fact, I’m going to have a Lowjack-type device installed in his dick so he will not be able to go anywhere without me being able to trace it. I just hope it doesn’t go off in somebody’s mouth.
Kathy Griffin’s too-hot-for-TV concert special Allegedly comes out on DVD in September from Anchor Bay Releasing. For ordering information, visit kathygriffin.net.
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