Randy Slovacek's picture

Gay 17-Year-Old Leaves Behind A Heartbreaking Suicide Note

This past Saturday, in a lengthy Twitter thread, Peter Delacroix shared the story of a gay 17-year-old who had committed suicide as a result of bullying and ridicule.

Delacroix woke up to an email from a teen he referred to as “Max” that was clearly a suicide note. Max was one of a group of queer teenagers that Delacroix counsels as a Youth Pastor at his church.

He immediately rushed to Max’s house, but it was too late. Max had hanged himself, and although CPR was administered, paramedics were unable to save him.

Delacroix described young Max as having “the heart of a lion, the soul of a poet and the smile of an angel.”

Apparently a budding musician, Delacroix says the 17-year-old’s music could “bring you to tears.”

We have lost an amazing, talented young man, lost his voice amid the howling storm of hatred that finally proved too much even for him.

Max’s grandmother asked Delacroix to share Max’s suicide note with the world.

The pastor says he struggled at the request, but eventually shared via Twitter because “I cannot in good conscience silence his last words.”

Repeat - this is being shared by request from Max’s family.

Dear World

You are ugly and dirty and you make me feel ugly and dirty. I have heard all my life that I am a sinner even though I love God and I like to think God loves me too.

I’m sorry Jack that I didn’t kiss you that day. I’m sorry Pastor Pete but please don’t be sad. Mostly I’m sorry Gramma because I know you tried really hard to love me when no one else would. I’m sorry I let you all down. I’m sorry but I’m just tired of all the hate.

I’m tired and want to sleep forever but maybe I will wake up in Heaven and there will be no hate there and only love. No one will call me bad names or hit me or remind me of my accidental place here.

Everyday I watch the news and see the hate against people like me and I realize I have no future. This country I don’t recognize anymore hates me and makes laws to punish me just because I’m gay.

They hate me because I love too much and love too wrong. I learned that my kind of love is bad. I heard it enough to believe it a long time ago.

Everyday someone comes along that tells me that I am worthless and my love, how I love, who I love is an affront to God as if anyone truly knows God’s mind.

I love beautiful things and I cry when they are gone. There is no more beauty left in the world. It has been replaced with this alien thing called hate. Bad people killed all the beautiful things. This is not a world I want to live in.

This is my choice the only choice I was ever given and it is mine alone.

I love you but I won’t miss any of this and I don’t think in the end I will be missed much at all in a world that looks at me like I’m something dirty they found on the bottom of their shoe.

I’m sorry I was weak and that I loved too much.

Max

The pastor did have a final message for Max: “You are wrong about one thing: you *will* be missed, by the entire world, who has been robbed of your beauty.”

And Delacroix had this to say to parents of LGBTQ kids: "Parents, if you have a queer child, hug them and tell them you love them. Do this every day. Tell them they are beautiful and have worth, no matter what anyone else might tell them. Be their armor against hate."

Max’s grandmother has asked those moved by Max’s loss consider donating to The Trevor Project or to a local homeless shelter dedicated to LGBTQ kids.

If you or anyone you know is in emotional distress or having suicidal thoughts, please call The Trevor Project 1-866-488-7386 (thetrevorproject.org) or the National Suicide Prevention Hotline at 1-800-273-8255 (suicidepreventionlifeline.org).

(h/t LGBTQ Nation)

Comments

+1
0
-1
[-]

I can sorely relate to this story.  I am about to turn 60 and I have had suicidal thoughts since I was 10.  When everyone tells you that you are ugly and useless day after day, year after year, it sinks in.  I do suffer from depression and being gay is a big part of it because society has deemed that it is wrong.  It "may" be wrong in man's eyes, but I'm positive it isn't in GOD's eyes.  However, the society norms still find its way into my mind all the time which brings about the suicidal thoughts.  Things, I'm afraid, will never change in my lifetime however long it could be.

+1
0
-1
[-]

This breaks my heart. Thank you for sharing.

+1
0
-1
[-]

     I may not be a teen now but as a gay man i know the feelings Max was having as have been there and at times still am.  I keep hearing how being gay is wrong and that I should just go and cut my tongue out and die.  

     Don't get me wrong I have thought of it several time and with a person of my adult age i can find no help or support of any kind only hate.  With this world the way it is it's no wonder people like Max and even adults think that sucide is the only answer.

+1
0
-1
[-]

To paraphrase the Terminator--"He'll be back."

Those were the conditions of his life, he can't escape them through suicide. He'll have to return to "pick up his Cross" and work through it. At least this (next) time he may be more prepared.

+1
1
-1
[-]

I am 62 and I wept at this powerful look into the suffering of this young man who lost Hope and could not see a better  future for himself. 

we must do better for our LGBT  youth.

+1
1
-1
[-]

First off, don't refer to someone as "Queer."  That is so derogatory.  Someone at my church called me that once. Such a slap in the face.  I am so sorry that this person was so mistreated in so many ways that he wanted out of it.. I can definitely relate to it.  God has a place for you in heaven and I'm sure you will be much happier there

+1
0
-1
[-]

I identify with the gay populace and am sorrowful that gays take their own lives. I love people more than anyone, and I know I have a place in the afterlife. 

+1
0
-1
[-]

I’m sorry that queer is such a painful word for you. For me and many others, it is a joyful, liberating word. I am Happily and Proudly queer.  

My guess is is that the author knows his group and that they use this term to describe themselves.   

No no one should use words that are painful to you against you personally and I grieve that someone did that to you.  They were wrong.  Just please don’t assume that everyone else has the same reaction to that word.  

Peace. 

+1
0
-1
[-]

I can relate to that pain , I’m so sorry this type of sadness is still happening to our gay youth 

+1
0
-1
[-]

Of course it is still happening...what is there to stop it? If Max had been a person of color, it would likely have been even worse.

+1
0
-1
[-]

This is absolutely heartbreaking......how sad to be in so much pain at such a young age.  God Bless your soul Max.

+1
0
-1
[-]

Hey this "god" cult thing is the whole problem... screw phony god based hate cults. I never ever thought of suicide , because I knew this god thing was bull shit when I was 12. Instead I became a happy little slut and relished the kindness of strangers. Too bad this kid could not do the same. Such a waste.

+1
0
-1
[-]

Richard Anderson

i don’t think the god cult is the whole problem but it surely maximizes the hateful responses by those who claim gods sanction of terror. Although I was born into a religious clan and was socialized into its culture, I never, from the time of becoming sentient believed the supernatural narrative.  It just wasn’t there in me to accept it.  As I grew into a mindful little queer, the condemnation of the religiously infected was wasted on me. I was raised in a Catholic environment, as such when assessing the source of this sanctioned condemnation from this wildly deviant bunch of Holy Personages, my estimation remains...you’ve got to be kidding. My deepest condolences go to Max’s family and I share with Max the sorrow that he endured for as long as he could. 

+1
0
-1
[-]

Are you kidding? The kindness of strangers?? Have you ever heard of Matthew Shepard? He was at a gay pub and got into a car with two strangers--and the rest is history.

Add new comment