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 WHAT ARE YOU WEARING?
I’m a nice-looking-enough guy with an average body, but I’m getting older and I was curious: When are you considered too old to wear bikini briefs? Thongs? Etc.?
“Handsome Homebody” in Georgia
Answer number one is: When it stops working for you. Saw a photo of 52-year-old Billy Bob Thornton in a recent Us Weekly. Say what you will, but the man has zero body fat. So he’s wearing low-rise jeans and a short pullover—you know, the kind that shows a sliver of tummy? Even with a rock-hard stomach, it wasn’t working! At some point, we need to realize we’re not so much looking trendy as desperate. That said, answer number two is this: Who cares?! If you truly love your butt-floss thongs, fly your freak flag and wear ’em until you’re by-damn 80. You’ll endure much derision, but if Speedos make you happy, go for it. Most people will try to find their own balance somewhere between answers one and two.
BABY, BABY
Everyone knows I’m gay, but I’ve just been invited to my umpteenth baby shower this year. My question is, why am I expected to chip in for somebody else’s baby? It’s certainly not like my officemates threw me a shower when I had my commitment ceremony.
“Pissed” in Peoria
Dear Pissed: I am so on your side. With January coming up, I invite you to join me in a New Year’s resolution: No more baby showers. I’ve got nothing against babies; one in ten turns out queer. But a baby shower is nothing but a glorified door prize for fucking, and I’ve been doing that for 35 years now, so where’s mine? And don’t tell me, “Yes, but a child is expensive!” So’s any other major life decision, Sparky. What, you didn’t know a kid was a money-suck when you said, “We’re skipping the condom tonight”? If I decided to saddle myself with debt from a $100,000 Lamborghini and then just expected everyone at my office, church and social circle to pitch in, I’d be laughed out of the room. Adults are expected to deal with the consequences of their decisions, and the choice to have a child includes consequences like having to buy your own damn onesies. Listen up, straight people! When you celebrate my sexuality with expensive gifts, then I’ll chip in for diapers (or better yet, a miniature ball gag). But until then, No More Baby Showers. Not that I’m bitter or anything.
NIGHTMARE BEFORE XMAS
My stupid boyfriend’s two brothers are married. He wants to make a point to his family by having me go with him when they all come to his stupid parents’ house for Christmas. I’d rather eat glass. Plus they live in Oregon. How do I get out of this?
Thom Atlanta, GA
Holidays are notoriously bad times for throwing the gay card in people’s faces. (Save it for weddings and funerals, when there are more witnesses.) Simply tell your boyfriend you have no desire to fly cross-country to be miserable when (apparently) you can do that at home. The bottom line is that it’s your holiday, too, and you have a right to spend it as you wish.
FEMALE TROUBLE
I’m in high school and an out, proud fag. All my best friends are girls. I am always there to hear their problems, and I love being around them. Lately, they’ve been telling their friends they’re in love with me. None of them like to be around each other anymore because they want to be around me all the time. These “grrrls” used to be best friends, and now they hate each other over something they know they can’t have. (I have a boyfriend, whom they all know.) What am I going to do?
Jim via Internet
You’re going to stop taking responsibility for their foolishness, Jimbo. You haven’t misled anyone. These girls apparently needed drama, and you were a handy object for it. These young ladies are clearly desperate for a real hobby, like stamps or cutting themselves. My advice is to spend more time with the boyfriend and less with the “grrrls.” With you out of the picture, they’ll eventually get over it and move on to some other typical high school tomfoolery, like alcohol poisoning or unwanted pregnancy. Or both. But the gals are not your problem, so let it go.
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You got troubles? Of course you do! We all do. But Joel’s here to help you and your man out. E-mail Joel at advice@instinctmagazine.com
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written by Quetee on December 03, 2007
omg! these responses are so honest and funny. these are questions I've also had people ask me, but was unsure how to answer.
written by Handsome Homebody on December 28, 2007
I'm only 37... I only wear bikini underwear... average body. Wish I could wear Speedos but don't.
written by hungmale on March 29, 2008
as long as your in shape wear what ever underwear suit you