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 YOU DAWG!
I’ve developed a crush on a guy I see while with my dog at the dog park. He recently started flirting with me, and I’m interested in asking him out. However, I’ve learned he has flirted and then slept with a few other guys from the dog park already. Am I being played? Should I ask him out?
Tom Portland, OR
Let’s look at it from the point of view that indeed you are being played. Can you enjoy the flirtation for its own sake? Then what do you care if you’re being played? Have a fun, safe time. Just don’t expect anything out of it other than a good leg-humping and membership in the same kennel club of those other guys whose butts he’s sniffed. On the other hand, if you’re more interested in a relationship, pass him by and let him bury his bone elsewhere. Clearly at this stage he’s not looking for a boyfriend, just a good time. Nothing wrong with that, but just know what you’re looking for, my young pup.
UGLY BETTY
I have a major problem! I think that I am ugly. I can’t get dates; I can’t even get laid. What should I do?
Nick Arlington, VA
You should get the fuck over it. And I say that with love—really!—for two reasons. One is that as long as you believe you are unattractive, your body language and demeanor will reflect that message. It’ll say, “I’m terrible and worthless and I should sit in the corner and eat worms,” every time someone looks at you. And who’d want to approach that? It becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. If you act like you’re ugly, people will believe it and respond accordingly. BUT…if you can get over your “poor me” pity party and convince yourself that you’re an interesting, worthwhile and caring human being, guess what? People will respond to that, too! Besides, not everybody’s looking for a perfect face and a six-pack. A lot of guys are looking deeper, for things like personality, integrity, kindness, even love. So, sweetheart, don’t push ’em away with your defeatist attitude. The other reason I say “get over it” is because I’ve learned that whatever it is about you that you hate or you love, that you have or you don’t have, there’s somebody out there looking just for that. Your job is to put yourself out there where those perverts can find you. “Oh, my belly’s too big, my dick is tiny, there’s hair all over my body…” Shuddup! There are fans—hell, there are clubs—for every one of those attributes. Go online and see. So get a haircut, get out there and don’t come back until you’ve got nasty Polaroid photos to show us! (My e-mail’s down below, Little Nicky!)
HOW OLD DO YOU THINK I AM?
I’ve placed a respectable ad on an online gay dating site, looking for a boyfriend. I’ve been very honest about what I’m about and have to offer the lucky person who responds. Initially, I put in my truthful age: 55. I got absolutely ZERO responses after two months. I was depressed. Felt like death warmed over, so I changed my profile to say I was 45. I’m fit, good-looking, have lots of youthful energy and outlook, can certainly pass for 45. Guess what? Got flooded with responses. My plan was to hook them with my charm, intellect, talents and experience. At some later point, when they’ve had a chance to get endeared to me, I’ll tell them my actual age and take my chances. Problem is, my friends say I’m lying. I say I’m marketing. When they “buy” the product, I fully intend to confess my true age. I hate doing this, but I also hate getting zero responses for telling the truth. Do you have any valuable feedback you can share? Thanks!
Douglas via Internet
Do what you have to, darlin’. But if you’re looking for a relationship, consider this—do you really want a guy who’s so hung up on the age thing that you have to connive to trap him? Personally, I’d rather wait for someone open to all of the wonderful things I bring to the table, including my real age (which, for the record, is 50, so I feel you). But if it takes your little marketing scheme to get a boyfriend and you manage to shatter his ageism by doing it, well, then more power to you. Lord knows these smart-ass, snot-nosed punks need somebody to set ’em right!
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You got troubles? Of course you do! We all do. But Joel’s here to help you and your man out. E-mail Joel at advice@instinctmagazine.com
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Instinct Online 
written by Mike McMullen on September 03, 2007
In the past few weeks I discovered two books written by Joel Perry. That's Why They're in Cages, People and Funny That Way. Incredibly funny. I've gotten stares from people because I couldn't help from laughing out loud. Where can I find articles that by him? Seriously, I like what he's written and would love to find more. Thanks!
written by Mike McMullen on September 03, 2007
I forgot to add my email address to my comment. It is skybear32@hotmail.com