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The 40-year-old Gay Virgin
I’ve spent my adult life straight and married. Ten years ago, I lost my first child. My wife and I dealt with it differently: She went back home often, while I worked. In her time away, the finest man I have ever seen started flirting with me. I enjoyed the attention. I told myself to be faithful, and I was. Now, 10 years later, I have a strong desire to be loved by a man. They say you either turn gay at 40 or buy a motorcycle, and I’m afraid of high speeds. Help!
Bento in Grand Rapids, MI
You’ve been faithful to your wife, but do you still love her? That’s kinda important. After so much time away from each other, have you discussed divorce? Are you really discovering you’re gay, or was it just this guy’s attention that met your needs? You need to get clear on these questions before you can decide what’ll make you happy. Right now, you have more to pick through than the school nurse on lice day.
Get Help, Buddy
Whenever I get into a relationship, I feel like I need to “put out” for the guy to stay with me. When we have sex, it takes me such a long time to finish. Does this have anything to do with me being raped my first time?
Jim in Orange, CA
Raped?! Holy Jiminy Christmas in a sling, Jim! I’m just Dear Abby with a Prince Albert, okay? For a bombshell like rape, you need a certified, qualified, educated, experienced, kid-tested and mom-approved real-life shrink. You have issues bigger than the September Vogue. Seriously, sweetheart, your question is one for a professional. So I hope you’ll understand my graciously pointing you in that direction and passing on your question. I pray for healing for you and heavily spiked eggnog for me.
Sex Drive or Sex Neutral?
My boyfriend and I have been together for two years. For the past year he’s become almost monk-like with his dwindling sex drive. He’s only 23. I believe he loves me, but I can’t seem to turn him on anymore. He gets cruised constantly while I’m more bookish. Can a guy in his early 20s really be sexually dead? Or are love and sex mutually exclusive?
Andrew in Chicago, IL
There’s no telling when it comes to a person’s sex drive, although being in his 20s, a low drive is as rare as Hanukkah ham. The important question here is, have you talked about this with him? You have good questions. They should just be going his direction, not mine. As for whining about sex and love being mutually exclusive, Andrew, nobody likes a bitter queen. Yes, there’s sex without love and love without sex, but even you know deep down there is such a thing as—say it with me—sex and love. Just because you’re coming up dry, Drew, doesn’t mean it ain’t out there. But it starts with communication, and from there you can make decisions about whether to start couples therapy, start testosterone treatments or start the new year single.
Never Can Say Goodbye
When do you break up with a friend? I haven’t heard from someone who used to be my best friend in several months. I’ve left him many messages and e-mails. The last time we talked, he said our friendship was important to him and promised to be better about being in touch. But that didn’t happen. Is it worth sending one last e-mail to say goodbye, or should I let it go quietly?
Leo in Tarzana, CA
Any number of things could be going on with his life to keep him from being the friend you desire: family matters, early-onset Alzheimer’s, going into the witness protection program…you know— stuff. Or he could be avoiding you because of that herpes thing, or he means well but he’s flakier than Christmas pie crust. But I understand. You either want your friend back or to move on. So compose a super-nice e-mail saying how much you miss him but you’ve noticed the lengthy time between contacts. Tell him you understand there could be issues you don’t know about, or reasons he wanted some distance and you can respect that. Leave the ball in his court and close by saying if you see him again, you’ll be glad, but if not, you wish him only the best. Then get on with your life.
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Joel’s here for you. Unless he’s out. Either way, write him at advice@instinctmagazine.com!
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written by Draik Tamini on May 17, 2009 at 02:34 PM
ive been stragit to now im merried to a gay hot guy we suck dicks every day mostly cus im drunk lots what do you guys think?