 PRISONER OF LOVE
I met this awesome guy last summer. I clicked with him and his kids. After a month, I learned his ex (as he told me) was not so “ex” and was moving back. For the next couple of months, while they were off, he and I were on. A year later, I have physically fought his ex, they broke up and got back together a couple more times and the relationship between us hasn’t changed one bit. I know I deserve better, but I just can’t let go. Should I keep “playing” until I find someone real or should I finally just let go?
“Drama Camp”
via Internet
After a month you knew the ex was coming back and you stayed? You put up with fistfights with the ex and you stayed? You allowed loverboy to drag you through multiple breakups—all of this in front of the kids—and you still stayed? Darling, what’s it gonna take for you to get it? That little “something” about your connection that you just can’t let go of has a name: codependency. Your next relationship should be with a therapist to get you out of this one, and so your next relationship might be healthy.
A STRAIGHT ANSWER
I’m in love with a straight guy! At first, it was a simple crush, but now it’s been a year, and I’m deeply infatuated with him. I want to confess my feelings to him, but my best friend told me not to. She’s the only person who knows I’m gay—if my mom or relatives found out, I’d be dead. Help!
Khiem Le
via Internet
Khiem, I’m guessing there are big and possibly dangerous cultural issues at play here for you. So I’m ditching the jokes to make these two points. First, you need to stop seeing this straight guy. Now. Whether it’s at work, on the street, wherever, just stop. It’ll feel awful, like a death, but you will get over it. And secondly, sweetheart, you need to find some gay people. You desperately need them for support, for refuge and as a resource for finding gay men who are capable of loving you back. Maybe even on your back.
NOT TONIGHT, HONEY…
My boyfriend and I have been together for six years. In the beginning, we had lots of sex. Now, we haven’t in almost a year. I’ve caught him several times talking to other guys online. When I was away on business, he had some gay friends over and tried to keep it a secret. In the past, he initiated two breaks—both times to pursue another person, whom he slept with. What should I do?
Andy
Fairborn, OH
We keep things secret that we’re ashamed of. That’s a glaring red flag that no communication is happening here. Relationships take constant work and maintenance, whether you’ve been together six years or 60. Without continual communication and full disclosure between both partners, connections devolve, sneaking around starts, resentment builds and I get embarrassing letters like this. You need to stop, talk and be ready to hear that he may want to go. Yes, that’ll suck. But how are you enjoying this miserable limbo you’re in now?
GAME OVER
Why are so many men on gay sites all about playing games?
Duncan
Trenton, NJ
That’s a good question. But a better one would be, if you know this, why are you on gay sites? In fact, let’s broaden the issue to include any place that isn’t working for you: If you keep getting burned, why keep sticking your hand in the same fire and then whining to us about it? Find a better hunting ground! Join a gay book or movie club, an outdoor group or a gay sports team. If they’re not available, start your own! How do you think those things got going in other cities? Some frustrated queen put his hands on his boyish hips and said, “If nobody else is gonna get off their ass to start a monthly pot-luck, then I’ll just have to!” Host a game night. Organize a speed-dating event. I’m not saying you’ll have instant dating success, but you’ll be fishing in a much better pond—perhaps even a pond you create. Turn the computer off and move on!
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Joel’s here for you. Unless he’s out. Either way, write him at advice@instinctmagazine.com!
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written by Sunil Singh on January 06, 2009 at 10:44 PM
Hello I am Live In India and I want gay friend of my age from USA . Which Site found good people of my age from USA