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IS IT OVER YET?
My boyfriend plans on moving back to his home state to look for work after he graduates. I told him I’d be willing to relocate if it helped us maintain our relationship. He says that is totally up to me but I should not expect that we’d move in together. Neither of us thinks a long distance relationship would work. Should I just look at this as a sign he’s ready to move on without me and part with no hard feelings, or take a chance and try a change of scenery, too, with the intention that we’d continue to see each other?
Paul via Internet
No, a long distance relationship would not work for you, but the short distance relationship wasn’t going anywhere, either. Hear that ringing sound? It’s the clue-phone, Paul, and it’s for you. Honey, he was ready to move on when he gave you that line about the relationship being totally-up-to-you-but-don’t-expect-to-move-in-together. It would have been nice if he’d had the testes to tell you earlier, but that’s his issue. Your issue is wanting a relationship so badly that you’re unwilling to see the obvious signs. Your wiser inner-self knows this, otherwise you wouldn’t be asking this question while already looking at moving on with no hard feelings. For your next relationship, work on getting your dumber outer-self up to speed. Harsh? Maybe, pumpkin. But I’d really like your next one to be smarter, better and more fulfilling for you, like you deserve.
ENNIS DEL MAR, IS THAT YOU?
I think my husband is gay, but he denies it. What can I do to prove it?
Kat via Internet
Since this is a sincere letter, I shall do my best refrain from insensitive one-liners like “See if he’ll suck your dick,” or “Does his mouth taste like penis?” Still, I can’t help wondering why you chose to send your question to this magazine. If you discovered a stack of Instinct in his sock drawer, there’s a high probability he does go “fishing” with Jack Twist. But even if your husband is not gay, the very fact you feel you have cause for this kind of worry is reason enough to seek help from a professional couples counselor. Whatever grounds you may have for your fears are far beyond the scope of a one-page advice column no matter how brilliantly incisive or sparklingly witty (not to mention insufferably overweening). Gay or straight, you guys have problems that desperately need addressing. Stop living in uncertainty and fear and get that help.
BEST FRIENDS—WITHOUT BENEFITS
I’ve been in a committed relationship with a very special guy for almost a year now. After a month of knowing him, I moved in with him. Things are good, I’m happy with him. But there’s something that irks me about our relationship and he doesn’t understand why. I want to have sex with him and he doesn’t want to take that step yet. He said that he vowed to himself after his past relationship ended that he wouldn’t sleep with another person until he knew that it would be a lasting relationship. What should I do?
George Wright via Internet
Lemme make sure I got this. You guys never even had The Conversation about your needs and sex and, apparently, whether you both felt this was “a lasting relationship,” yet you felt close enough to move in together after one month? I say this with love, but you’re kind of a needy jerk here, and so is he. The sex issue isn’t the problem; it’s just a big, throbbing, glistening, symptom of something more fundamental. Are you so desperate for a relationship that you commingle clothes, share self-assembled furniture, and grooming products after a mere 30 days just so you can say, “Look everyone, we moved in together so that makes us a couple?” George, sweetheart, you and your alleged boyfriend need to have a talk about just what kind of relationship this is. I mean, it’s been almost a year and he still hasn’t decided it’s “a lasting relationship,” so ya sure as hell ain’t lovers. The word that comes to mind is roommates.
You got troubles? Of course you do! We all do. But Joel’s here to help you and your man out. E-mail Joel at advice@instinctmagazine.com
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