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 WAX ON? WAX OFF!
I’m an Asian man having a relationship with a white man. I’m versatile, and one day I asked him to let me top him. He said, “I only let black men do that. I always top Asians.” He also really likes to wear his T-shirt that says: “My wiener is bigger in Japan.” Is he racist? Should I break up with him?
Steve via Internet
“Racist” is just another word for “trapped in a really stupid, limiting world view.” And, honey, yours is trapped. So, yeah, your boyfriend’s a sad, racist mess. But the big reason to look for another man is the arrogant way he treats you. You expressed your desires, and got rejected out of hand.
in a shockingly dismissive way designed to shut you down. He wouldn’t even entertain a conversation about them. Say good-bye, Steve, and if he gives you shit about it, threaten to kung-fu his ass. If he’s stupid enough to believe his wiener is bigger in Japan, he’s dumb enough to think all Asians know martial arts.
GAY GIFTING: ANNIVERSARY EDITION
What’s an appropriate first anniversary gift for my boyfriend?
Sean via Internet
If I were your honeybunch, a nice dinner followed by motel sex where the bill at check-out included paying for broken furniture, would be just fine. If he’s David Geffen, he may be harder to shop for. Whatever you get your man for any special occasion, you want it to be meaningful. Think back on your year together. Was there something he mentioned that he wished for? Track it down on eBay. A place he wanted to visit? Book a trip. A friend he misses? Fly ’em out. Think: where were you when you first met, or first made love, or he first said, “I love you?” Get him something that recalls that event. What makes any gift special is that it shows you love him enough to listen, hear him and take him seriously.
In addition, you care enough that you went out of your way to make this gift happen for him. It doesn’t have to cost a ton of money, either. If you’re poor, write him poetry. Seriously. Don’t worry if it sucks, just give it your best shot. Nobody writes poetry because they’re afraid it’ll seem corny or stupid. But everybody wishes they had a boyfriend who wrote poetry to them. Yeah, your friends will roll their eyes, but they’ll be secretly riddled with jealousy. And isn’t that the best gift of all?
YOU, ME & THE VIRUS MAKES THREE
I love my partner of three years very much, but a few months into our relationship, he learned he was HIV+. I’m negative, and from that point, our sex life declined. He has no desire because he’s afraid of passing HIV to me. I understand his concerns, but it’s driving me insane. We have everything a couple dreams of—except intimacy. I cannot discuss this with our friends, because no one knows his diagnosis. I know what I’m going through is nowhere near what he is, and I feel bad for feeling this way…but I need some resolution.
Tyler via Internet
The facility where he learned he has HIV
probably offers counseling for the exact problems you describe. These intense emotions are typical for anyone in his situation. The healthcare system has this kind of counseling in place for people exactly like your partner—and for you. Yes, you, because, this is your journey, too, Tyler.
Right now, you’re both dealing with different kinds of fear, guilt, anger, grief, possibly some betrayal, and definitely some sadness. But it ain’t the end of your partner’s life, and it doesn’t have to be the end of your partnership, nor your sex lives. The Center for Disease Control estimates over a million Americans are living with HIV today. I know a metric ton of ’em and I can assure you they’re not miserable. And they do have sex—responsible, safe and hot sex. I have the Polaroids. I also know couples where one is poz and the other isn’t, and I should have as much sex as they do. Strike that, you should be having as much sex as they do. So call the place that diagnosed your boyfriend and make a counseling appointment. You owe it to yourselves, both as individuals and as a couple. I want you and your partner to own the virus instead of the virus owning you.
You got troubles? Of course you do! We all do. But Joel’s here to help you and your man out. E-mail Joel at advice@instinctmagazine.com
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Instinct Online 
written by shayerahol on June 08, 2007
why is the asian drawing like that? he has a corset-like waist line. his belly button is showing. he is thinner. it's very feminine compared to the white drawing. how racist! racism in the gay community is alive and well even in magazines! you people should be ashamed of yourselves!
written by Lobo on June 09, 2007
Are you joking? Him racist? If he was racist he would have nothing to do with blacks nor asians... He just likes certain things. He makes old and tired jokes about penis size. That does not make him racist.
written by shayerahol on June 11, 2007
uh yes it does make him racist. just because you interact with people of a different race, it doesn't mean you can't be racist. that shirt is very offensive but quite frankly im not surprised that a gay white man would not be sensitive enough to know that. as a person of color, i have heard many queer white people say racially offensive, racist things to other queers of color as a "joke". but the asian drawing is just as racist. geez, this article is about rejecting a racist partner, yet its drawing is just as racist. is this instinct-style irony?
written by TRUTH HURTS!! on June 22, 2007
that drawing is not racist at all.. im mean look at all the other drawing this magazine uses on "man to man".. very similar.. and from the letter the asian guy is obviously coming across very queeny anyway.. im mean how dumb can u be this guy totally is not into you.. get over it and move on.. no one's boyfriend would say that unless ur really not his type anyway.
written by shayerahol on June 24, 2007
to truth hurts:
I think you need laser eye surgery.
1. How the hell is the Asian gay male "queeny" based on the email he sent? You were able to decipher that because he's versatile?
2. His partner is a racist for saying that. Even this magazine has the brains enough to figure that out.
3. The irony though is that the drawing is very racist. The Asian male is made to look feminine with the curled eyelashes, curvy torso/waist and thinner body. The white guy is drawn in a more masculine way. If this magazine is serious in its condemnation of racism, they should change that drawing.
written by Joe on June 27, 2007
Steve needs to ask a publication that regularly includes people of color, UNLIKE Instinct Magazine. (Hey, that's why I don't bother buying your rag!)
written by shayerahol on June 27, 2007
I agree Joe. instinct, genre and out rarely feature people of color. It's always the same muscular, young white guy with the bizarre orange spray tan (present cover boy dayka being the purrfect example). It's the best example of racism in the queer community. I was really appalled with the drawing in this section. The fact that it's still not being removed (or rendered differently) is very disappointing to say the least. But more people need to keep ranting to instigate a much-needed change.
written by Kinetix on July 14, 2007
Shayerahol - Your angry rant on the drawing is way oversensitive. People of Asian descent are generally shorter. It happens to be a biological truth and it is no big deal that the character was drawn that way. I also do not interpret his waist drawn more narrow. And, I don't quite understand how the Asian character is more effimenate than the white guy. Bottom line: I get no impression that the artist intended to demean Asians.I think you are perhaps projecting your own anger into the drawing and need to step back and take another objective look.
Racism is "a belief or doctrine that inherent differences among the various human races determine cultural or individual achievement, usually involving the idea that one's own race is superior and has the right to rule others." While do wish that I would see more people of color in the magazine, I don't think this qualifies as racism. It may be insentivity or ignorance, but I doubt it refects racist sentiment. I think that it takes forthought on the part of the publishers to be more diverse and reflect their readers more accurately. This is probably best accomplished by an informed letter to the magazine and not an angry rant that turns people off before they hear your message. Peace to all.
written by Al (a mexican) on July 30, 2007
The drawing is a caricature. It's making fun of both people in the scenario. Perhaps it's showing that the man with the shirt is somewhat of an idiot who thinks too highly of himself and the asian is a whiny little child who needs to accept the fact that some people out there are just a-holes. If natural selection has taught us anything, it's evolve or die. It looks as though evolving in this situation would mean dumping this jackass, inconsiderate boyfriend.
BTW, I'm of Mexican descent, so the whole color arguement won't fly with me.
written by Sam. on December 14, 2007
lmao. yeah. don't take his sh*t. u deserve someone better, hon.
written by Resiri on December 23, 2007
Hearing the story about his deuche bag boyfriend and seeing the offensive picture points to all the signs of BIGOTORY, PREJUDICE, IGNORANCE AND RACISM! No matter what you want to label it, the point is it will Offend and Degrade the Asian race. You people who are defending his boyfriend and the magazine's picture don't quite see or understand the big problem which angers me. Please, educate youself more on the topic of the Asian diaspora and learn from us about what the Asian community or any other race has gone through. I feel like the GLBT community really lacks the understanding of multiculturalism that is why you don't see any color people in the magazines often. So how dare you try to rationalize and defend against what is the bottomline racist! racist! racist! Trust me I swear to god It will offend the whole GLBT Asian community if the topic and picture was brought up to one of us. What is racist is NOT when the Whiteman considers it is !! Also, racism is not just between blacks and whites. You people have to walk a mile in an Asian's shoes or educate yourself more on the understanding of different multicultures in the U.S. then you could start making a statement. The Asian community have been trying to fight against these kind of stereotypes for decades and no one seems to take us seriously. We are not just gonna agree with you all and brush it aside as something that we should accept what is "natural" and try to imply that all Asian men can not be masculine or have big dicks! Same goes with the other issues we are dealing with. It upsets me to see that some people in the GLBT community especially like his boyfriend are not sensitive or educated about it despite that the GLBT community goes through similar kinds of racism too! Shouldn't we all try to understand eachother instead and unite to stand for what is right instead of hurting degrading one another....
written by matt on December 30, 2007
Instinct Magazine is racist ...you do see a lot of whites and a lot less of other ethnicities.
written by xman on February 10, 2008
Not all Asians are short and small.