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 STRAIGHT…OUTTA HIS MIND
I live with a hetero couple who seem to be annoyed with my “gay” habits. You know, checking out guys, talking about guys, even having them as my background on my laptop. Should I put one foot back in the closet to appease their straight sensibilities? Or should I tell them to take their issues on a trip down the yellow brick road? Please help!
Joshua Sunnyvale, CA
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Oh, yes, let’s all of us just give up everything we’ve worked so hard to get because it makes straight people go “ick!” That’s a really good idea. Honestly, you might as well be living with your parents for all the respect you’re earning right now. Who’s got the lease or mortgage here? You? Then tell ’em to shut up and by the way you’re installing rainbow drapes. Them? Well, that’s more diffi cult. Tactfully explain to them how their attitude hurts you. If they keep it up, it’s probably time to move. Mom always told me, “If you’re someplace you’re not wanted, son, leave and find a better class of people.”
PITY PARTY, ANYONE?
I’m in love with a married man who sees me only when he can get away from his wife. At fi rst, it was just sex. But now I’ve fallen in love.With him, it’s just pleasure. My anxiety—because I am obsessed with him—has been going on for seven years. I’m seeing a therapist who tells me I have to fi nd a way to cope with my distortion of reality. Maybe in your experience in advising, you can give me some suggestions.
Jeremy via Internet
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And how’s that poor victimized martyr thing working out for you? You’re not a tortured romantic, you’re a drama queen who needs to fire your therapist for saying you have a distorted reality and fi nd one who’ll tell you you’re a flaming idiot and smack you with a two-by-four! Get this: You do not fuck without a condom, you do not begin a land war in Asia, you do not marry into British royalty and you do not get involved with married men. If you do, you deserve what you get, especially for wallowing in it for seven years. I’m guessing you’ve used up every one of your friends weeping to them about this and that’s why you contacted me. When your friends are so sick of you that you have to write advice columns seeking pity in print, that’s a big red flag from the Universe telling you it’s time to stop moaning and end this foolishness. Yes, it’ll hurt. And then you’ll get on with your life. The great thing is, so will the rest of us.
BAD BOYS BEHIND BARS
I’ve always been drawn to the “villain” types— and yes, that includes inmates. A while back I found a pen-pal organization and, after some trepidation, got in touch with a guy who is in jail. I started out kidding around with “the Hot Prisoner,” then, one day things became more serious. As ridiculous and unlikely as it sounds, I started imagining that this guy and I could get together when he’s out of the pen. As things intensifi ed, he started calling me (collect…OUCH!). I was so into him at that point I didn’t even care. The problem is, does this type of arrangement ever actually go anywhere?
Tab via Internet
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Boy, there must have been a high-pressure air mass of stupid that blew across the country this month, because every one of these letters tops the last one in the category of Dependably Bad Ideas. Tab, you ask if prison romances ever go anywhere. Well, they do. They become sadly predictable segments of America’s Most Wanted, ripped-from-the-headlines episodes of Law & Order: Special Victims Unit, and the B-storyline on the CSI of your choice. Why? Because you’re dealing with people who are in prison for a reason. Because our horrible prison system does not rehabilitate criminals, but hardens them. Because these bad guys are looking for marks they can scam for money and God knows what else. You think Hard Knocks Knuckles isn’t playing at least three or four other guys—and probably gals—along with you? Draw some hard and fast emotional boundaries now and withdraw tactfully. I just hope your return address was a P.O. box because otherwise, he knows where you live…and we’ll see you on cable TV!
You got troubles? Of course you do! We all do. But Joel’s here to help you and your man out. E-mail Joel at advice@instinctmag.com
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Instinct Online 
written by Ed Phillips on March 30, 2007
Seven years with a married man, huh? One question. Was there ever a time in this relationship when you didn't feel like you were being tossed aside like last night's condom? No, really. I do think the distortion of reality thing has some merit, though. If you really think that after seven years--SEVEN YEARS--this is going to change in a way that you will like, you either haven't been paying attention or have a severe learning disability. Face it, you're the outlet for sexual frustration when the missus has had enough of his crap and cuts him off. Nothing more. But you have achieved something here. Now you're a "10 percenter" in another way, too. That's approximately how much of your life you've wasted on this dead end "relationship". For what it's worth, here's some advice: spend the next five minutes grieving for the chunk of time that you'll never get back, then spend what's left of your life living, preferably with someone who doesn't just use you as a substitute for a jackoff sleeve.
Prison? Are you fucking kidding? Yes, these relationships do go somewhere--down the toilet and up the river. Unless you just get off on being with a "bad boy" (by the way, ever watch "Oz"?), why don't you try finding someone you can fuck without having to arrange a conjugal visit with the screws?