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BOYFRIEND AT THE EX'S
Things have been great with my awesome current boyfriend of four months, except for one problem. Due to work, one day a month he has to drive to a city that’s traffic-congested, arriving at 6 a.m. and staying for the full day. His ex-boyfriend, who he lived with for about 6 months and split from a year ago, lives there. So my boyfriend stays with him for that day overnight. But if he drives from my house to work, it takes him one hour if there’s traffic. If there’s no traffic, it takes him about 30 minutes. From his ex-boyfriend’s house, it takes him only 10 minutes! I’ve told him I’m uncomfortable with this, to which he always answers that I don’t trust him. I love him with all my heart, but I find it disrespectful toward me that he stays over at his ex’s house. What do you think?
Mark in San Juan, Puerto Rico
Ignoring the fact your question reads like a word problem in math, do you even listen to yourself? Honey, you cling tighter than Saran Wrap. He may or may not be exchanging DNA with his ex, but your bigger question is, “What am I doing to make him snatch at this painfully obvious weekly opportunity to stay away from me?” He may be getting in the car, Marky Mark, but you’re the one driving him away. I’m sorry to be so blunt, I’m sorry for being so harsh, and I’m super sorry for saying “snatch” a few lines above, but your clinginess is the bigger issue here. I’d bet this isn’t your first relationship where this pattern has played out, either. Find out what that neediness is so you can stop that cycle and keep your straying stud muffin at home.
MORE THAN A FRIEND, LESS THAN A LOVER
I’m in love with my best friend, Tom, and have been for some time. It is no secret to anyone, including him. It isn’t just a fascination. I genuinely feel I love him. He said to me, or messaged rather, that he’s not interested in me in the same way. However, I feel that if he gave me a chance, he’d see that we’re meant to be. I’ve seen him get hurt by other guys and I don’t understand why he can’t just give me a chance. Should I keep trying to prove how much I care for him or wait and see what he does? I’m so confused and there’s no one to talk to because things get back to him all the time. I just want a chance to prove myself. If it doesn’t work then it wasn’t meant to be and I will be fine with that and I think that it would make us better friends.
Nathan in New York, NY
Clue phone for Nathan: When they message you that they’re not interested, they’re not interested. As your best friend, Tom’s had ample opportunity to experience the fantastic guy I’m sure you are. But when it just don’t click, there’s nothin’ you can do. Right now you’re in step one of the five stages of grief: denial—spectacularly deep denial. Next will be anger: “Fuck Tom! I hope he drowns in a cement mixer.” Then bargaining: “If I apologize for pushing you in the cement mixer, Tom, then will you love me?” Depression: “Nobody will ever love me…and I should have rented that stupid cement mixer instead of buying.” And finally, acceptance: “Hey, Tom, wanna join me and some other friends for a cookout? Yeah, I just poured a cement patio.” Seriously, Nate, recognizing that he’s not interested, and then doing the difficult grief-work on this relationship will be what makes you better friends.
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WHOSE MARRIAGE IS IT ANYWAY?
I’m marrying my partner of six years. I want very much for both my parents to be there. They’ve been divorced for six years and do not get along. See, he owes her alimony money and hasn’t paid in years. My dilemma is, I want both of them to be there, but I’m afraid they’ll fight with each other and make a scene. I don’t want to have the wedding ruined. What should
I do?
Mark in Santa Ana, CA
Why are you opening yourself up to making your wedding about their incivility? If it’s as bitter as you describe, having them there will do nothing but put you in a state of perpetual dread to the point that you’ll be unable to enjoy what is supposed to be your day. Tell ’em what they told your friends when you were a kid: “If you can’t play nice, stay home!” If they don’t come, you’ll still be just as married. Plus, they’ll owe you a really nice gift—so register at Tiffany’s and get on with it!
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