 SCARY RELATIONSHIP
My boyfriend loves Halloween, haunted houses, ghosts—all that stuff. I don’t. This is our first Halloween and he wants me to go to this huge, high-tech haunted house with his friends. I get scared in the Haunted Mansion at Disney World! I’ve told him I’ll be afraid, but he just laughs and says he’ll protect me from the ghosts. It’s really important to him that I go and I don’t want to disappoint him, but I’m really scared. Am I being a baby?
Angel
via Internet
Standing up for your needs is not being a baby. And blithely dismissing your fears is not him being a caring partner, either. Sit him down and get him to understand that his insistence on this Halloween jaunt would be like you demanding he jump headfirst into whatever gives him psychological nightmares. “Oh,” he’ll laugh, “this is nothing like that.” To which you reply, “Yes. It. Is. And for this relationship to last until next Halloween, I need you to honor it—which includes not making fun of me while you’re out with your friends.”
MASTER THIS
When my ex kicked me out of the house (after draining all my savings), I moved back to Puerto Rico and got my masters degree, gaining 32 extra pounds of nasty, unwanted fat. I feel so insecure about gaining all that weight, and am afraid that I’ll never find somebody worthy of my love and attention.
Andrew
San Juan, Puerto Rico
Stop giving away all your power to that extra weight. Giving over like that traps you in victim mode and we’ve gotta get you out of that. If you’re smart enough to get a masters, you can master this. Yes, you got kicked out, yes you found solace in too many fried plantains, but you’re not the first person who’s done that. Stop wallowing in self-inflicted misery and do something about it! By taking action—any action—you’ll feel more in control of your situation which will automatically increase your self-esteem. What action? Well, you can either lose the weight or embrace it. There are, after all, plenty of guys who like a well-marbled man, just look at StockyGuyz.com and ChubNet.com (and I do!). Or you can channel the energy you’re wasting feeling sorry for yourself into a healthy regimen of diet and exercise. Either way, the problem here isn’t your pudgy panza, it’s your perception.
A LONE STAR KIND OF LONELY
I need your help, Joel. It’s simple: Where’s a good place for me to find love in Fort Worth? I’m 62.
Michael Combs
Fort Worth, TX
I get the “where can I meet good men” question ten times a month or more. The writer is either frustrated by the game-players (see last month’s column, or the month’s before that, or the moth before that…) or, like Michael, feels he’s damaged goods in some way: I’m too tall/short/skinny/fat/old/ethnic/whatever. But I know that pain is real so I’ll answer…again. First, darling, love who and what you are. If that takes work, so be it, just get to that place. Then get out there and be seen. Whatever you have (in your case, maturity) or don’t have (teen-age acne), there are people looking for exactly that. You just have to find those perverts. Try online sites that cater to men who appreciate your specialty (perhaps SilverDaddies.com or GayMatureDating.com) or join a local club or organization that does stuff you enjoy. Whether you’re 18 or 118, the more you can be seen engaged in living your life to the fullest, the more attractive you’ll be. And flashing a little nipple doesn’t hurt, either.
BACK TO THE SCENE OF THE CRIME
I had a bad break-up with my partner of four years. I was finally moving on when, after eight months of not hearing from him, I got an e-mail. He wants me back in his life. I still love and care for him very much, but I think deep down I know we’d just fall apart again. What should I do?
Jay Chadrön
via Internet
Usually when we part, the ugly stuff that caused the break-up never gets resolved. That uneasy feeling you have could be your subconscious reminding you that all those old issues you both decided were insurmountable eight months ago remain. Fortunately, there are things we gay men do much, much better than straight men. Among them: suppressing the gag reflex, appreciating the delights of Barbra and especially our amazing ability to create “family” out of our exes. You can still love and care for him deeply, Jay, but as a friend—without inviting him and all that unresolved stuff back into your bed.
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Joel’s here for you. Unless he’s out. Either way, write him at advice@instinctmagazine.com !
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written by Tom on October 28, 2008 at 05:21 PM
I need your advice. I contacted one of your bachelors in the spring. We started to communicate through email. In the beginning he gave good advice. He was very nice in all of our correspondences. Somewhere along the way I got the impression that he didn't want anything to do with me. So, I let him off the hook and stopped contacting him. I really enjoyed emailing him. I wasn't trying to start a long distance relationship. Then I began to think I offended him in some way (I think I asked him too many questions). I'm not sure when it all went sour. Then I tried to contact him again with an apology and I'm not sure if he ever got my apology email. At the time, I was having trouble with my computer. Now I have a new address. Should I leave things be or should I attempt again to patch things? I don't want to come across as a psycho, pain in the ass, stalker, loser face. I think in my interest to get to know him (I found him interesting and role model like) I came across as intrusive. Can this be fixed? I kind of know the answer but it would be helpful to hear it from you. Thanks!
Tom
Boston, MA