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 ADULT EDUCATION
I have a huge crush on my new best friend at my university, but he’s in a long-distance relationship with a man in South Africa. I told him I was interested but I didn’t want to ruin our friendship. He agreed and told me he wasn’t looking for anything outside of his current relationship. But everything points to a relationship with no support or future. His boyfriend (who’s 16 years older!) proposed marriage, which my best friend turned down. I want to know more about what’s going on to better understand him, but I don’t want him to think I’m trying to break them up. His friends say how bad the relationship is and how they don’t understand why they’re together. I want to be a supportive friend, but I’m worried I’m just falling for him. It doesn’t help that we have the same classes, see each other every day and spend a lot of time together. People often think we’re dating or that we should because we have so much in common.
Completely Confused
Boston, MA
Be friendly, but do not go down the romantic path! At least not until well after he and his Johannesburg Johnny have split for good. It’s headed that way anyway, but if you get involved any earlier, you can expect to hear, “I left my boyfriend for you!” at every argument. So until then: Let. Him. Alone. Seriously, dude. All the rest of what you describe is just chatter.
MARRY ME A LITTLE
My sexy, loving boyfriend of two years and I are about to tie the knot with a big, amazing wedding that will be the picture of perfection. But I’m not so sure I can be perfect, or even believe couples need to be. I told him from the start I have no problem with some “extracurricular” escapades when we’re on vacation, as long as what we do is always together. I even told him he could cheat up to three times before I’d break up with him (since after three it’d probably mean it wasn’t just a mistake). He wants none of that and even gets mad when I watch porn without him. Am I just weak, or am I real?
“The Good Gay Groom”
You’re not weak or real, you’re a mess, and here’s why: You guys are nowhere near being on the same page in terms of what you expect from each other in this relationship. You have vastly differing points of view regarding what marriage is and what you want yours to look like. Stop what you’re doing—now—and get this sorted out! It doesn’t have to be traditional or what anyone else might think it should be, but whatever it is, you guys should discuss it, come to terms with any compromises and for God’s sake agree on how you’re going to live your lives together. Otherwise, expect to have the big, amazing, perfect divorce.
RUNAWAY TO THE RUNWAY
My parents want me to pursue a career as an accountant. A year ago, I agreed because I wasn’t sure what I wanted to do. Now I’m interested in a career in fashion. They don’t approve and think that I’d fail miserably. They paid for my tuition. What do I do?
Nolan
London, U.K.
Let me rephrase this for you: “Do I want to live my life? Or the life my parents want?” Your situation is difficult, but this is much bigger than who paid for what. If you’re still struggling, try this exercise: Imagine yourself lying on your deathbed many years from now. Ask yourself, “Will I be happy dying as an accountant? Or will I be lying there filled with regret over missed opportunities?” Overly dramatic? Hardly, because one day you will die. And we’ll all be wearing other designers’ clothes to your funeral.
DRIP, DRIP, DRIP…
How do I tell guys I might have contracted an STD from them? Is there an etiquette for breaking bad news to past tricks?
K.K.
New York City
Simply call him and tell him he should get checked because you’ve learned you have an STD. That gives him the important information to act on, but without throwing drama by accusing him of giving it to you, which is really beside the point now anyway. When adults have sex, we understand the risks and accept the consequences. Look on the bright side. You only got the clap out of this encounter and not a psycho stalker. This time.
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Joel’s here for you. Unless he’s out. Either way, write him at advice@instinctmag.com!
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