Written by Joel Perry - Illustration by Jane Sanders
Friday, 01 February 2008
BOY FROM OZ
I returned to Australia after five years in the States. During that time, the guy I dated confirmed the bad reputation my friends told me about Americans. I thought he was dating me exclusively but found out he’d been with another guy for 11 years! I showed my love in gifts, trips to Oz and even financed his car. I was used and lied to for 18 months. Why do American men do this, while Aussies are just honest and loving? Why can’t gay men be honest?
“Disappointed Aussie”
It took 18 months to figure this out? Sweetheart, you’re not “just honest and loving,” you’re kind of a dim bulb. (But heaven forbid anyone uses your example to think all Aussie men are that way.) Sadly, there are men of all nations who will do anything for a warm, juicy place to park their peckers. And if one of those places happens to come with overly ready credit…well. So to recap, men are pigs, you’re not very bright, and who wouldn’t want to keep a hottie from Oz on the side?
MOVIN’ ON
I was raised in a religious, strict family. I didn’t accept myself until I was 26. Then I met B.J. and my self-esteem, self-respect and self-acceptance soared. He died five years later (from diabetes) and it took me five years to pull myself together. I’ve gone out with three guys since, and it’s the most recent guy I can’t get out of my mind. He captured a piece of my soul, but he told me he wasn’t ready to date me because he’d been hurt by someone as much as I had been when B.J. died. I know he doesn’t want me, but help me move on.
Frustrated in Florida
Dear one, I can’t heal your ache, but it might be more bearable if you think of your sacrifice of walking away as an act of love. You’ve been there, so you know allowing him space to grieve is the kindest thing you can do. Given this setback, you might want to take a little time for yourself, too. Rent Ghost and make cookies. Crying and carbs always help.
GAM ISO GWM
I’m a gay Asian male who is an Anglophile, but I often get overlooked by white guys. How do I attract their attention?
Bewildered in Baldwin Park
Um, there’s this place called the Internet…? Seriously, dude, there are plenty of white guys looking for Asian men. Just get on those websites where they can find you. That said, there are two other things I feel I should tell you. One is that when you pursue only one kind of man, you are severely limiting yourself. If I’d followed only my predilection for bear types, I’d have missed many wonderful times with all the other delightfully diverse men out there—including my life partner. Which brings me to the second thing. For those of you looking for LTRs, I believe we go out looking for what we like, but the Universe sends us what we need. My partner is relatively smooth, but I wouldn’t trade him for all the tea in, well, Asia. So good luck angling for Anglos, but I encourage you to open yourself up to other possibilities. And yes, I do mean that literally.
IT’S HIM OR ME!
Help! My boyfriend hates my best friend! I thought after five years he’d grow to tolerate my friend, but he only dislikes him more now, which, of course, causes arguments and tension all around. It always makes me feel guilty now when I go out with this friend (we get together twice a week) and the whole situation makes me feel like I have to choose sides. What should I do, Joel? Should I give up a good friendship just because my boyfriend doesn’t like him?
Divided in Des Moines
This may be hard for you to see, but if your partner hates your friend, it’s not your problem—it’s loverboy’s. You can choose to stop making it be your problem. (Revolutionary thought, isn’t it?) I know that’s gonna be difficult at first, but come on, what is this either/or bullshit he has you feeling trapped in? Grow a pair and tell him—calmly but unwaveringly—you like your best friend and you like your lover, and you have the right to enjoy both. And the next time you come home from a night out with your best bud to find your main man all pissy and acting out, don’t play his game. Do not engage. I repeat: Do not engage. Let him be angry, kiss him and ignore it. Defusing a fight before it starts can be remarkably effective (and you’ll save a fortune in smashed dishes). The thing, though, my little Des Moinesian, is to remember that no one can make you feel guilty. You can only allow them to do that.
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