Adam Dupuis's picture

Do I Tell My Friend The Guy He's Interested In Is HIV+?

Just recently my friends and I had a nice dinner party.  Conversations flowed around the table just as easy as the wine did.  Wine.  Oh, brb …

So during the consumption of three bottles of wine and some other drinks (at dinner, not now), we had covered many topics.  One of them was whom amongst our friends’ friends we would date.  All the pairings were perceived by party goers to be good matches and maybe something we all should act upon some day.

After the festivities, we all scattered into the night in several different directions.  Eric and I walked away together, but he seemed to be acting a little pensive and brought up one of the pairings.

In so many words or less, Eric said, “Adam, I would tell you if you were looking to date Troy, I would tell you that he is HIV Positive.  I mean, Troy is VERY open about his HIV+ status, but I would still tell you if you were interested in dating him.  But I don’t think I would tell Brandon if he was looking to date Troy like we said at dinner.”

I’m either a listener or a giver of advice.  I can usually tell what role my friends need me to be, but I really could not tell what Eric wanted at this time … and neither did he.  “This is somewhat of a moral dilemma, but it’s not,” he said.  Eric knew that is the way it would be, that’s how he would act.  He would tell me and not Troy.

What does this mean?  Does Eric like me more than the other friend?  Does he feel I would be a better connection with Troy and it would go further than it would with Brandon?

And what should he do?  Should he even tell me?  If Eric is going to tell me, should he as well tell the other friend if it got to that point?

Eric (of course all the names have been changed, except mine) wanted me to see what our readers thought.

So Instincters … what do you think?

What advice would you give Eric?

Can you relate with his dilemma?

Comments

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This isn't a moral dilemma, this is a case of an ASSHOLE friend....look at this...he just disclosed someone's medical status, violating his privacy and then also was weighing which friend he would tell over the other? And he is a "friend" to either?? So many HIV+ guys are almost forcing themselves into a status closet due to this stuff.  The real facts are this...if you are positive and you want to disclose your status you should, when appropriate and privately, it shouldn't be gossip. And knowing your status or your partners means you can protect each other. Dating someone who has a different status may be an issue for you but it really shouldn't be, know the facts know the risks. If you want to be a true friend, support each other, poz or not, and maybe we might find love in this world and not so much self loathing.

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If my friend knew and didn't tell me, that would be the end of that friendship. This is still a serious disease. 

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First of all to the comment about it being "life or death"...educate yourself because it's NOT a matter of life or death.  Secondly, if this character is a true friend he will mind his own business PEIROD! It will be up to the guy who is positive to reveal his status IF and WHEN anything develops, with anyone.  Let your friend make his own choices about who he dates and decide for himself if its something he is comfortable living with. There are +/- couples ya know. 

I see nothing difficult about minding your own business and not gossiping about your supposed friends. 

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What a horrible person. He would have told you himself, but I have no life and like to be in the middle of drama, so I'll tell you. 

What an ass.

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I'm torn on this one. On the one hand, you don't want to sound like you're gossiping but we are also talking about a life or death issue. I think if the friend is not yet dating and it is simply interested in the person, I think you can say what you know since we often ask people what they think about potential romantic interests. If they are dating, then you need to be careful, but again, we're talking about a serious issue, more serious than cheating. 

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-tell a single acquaintance your hiv status you might as well tattoo it on your back side.  People gossip like that.

-is it still rumored that like 30% of the random population dosnt know their true status?   Someone who is forced to handle their hiv situation might be lower risk.

Keep in mind the OP is likely processing this after their one night experience.  Still possible for his friend to mediate the hiv exposure after the fact.

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will you tell your friend who doesn't know he is about to walk into an open manhole that he is in fact about to step into an open manhole? I would. but that's gonna be my last resort. what i would do first, if both guys are really my friends, is go to the HIV+ friend and tell him to man up and be transparent to the other guy about his status.

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Chaki - you're the shit disturber in your group of friends, aren't you? You obviously don't know people with HIV. Anyone with HIV really doesn't need to tell anyone until it gets to the point where they are about to be sexual. That's the only time someone needs to be "transparent." It is not your duty to share something so private for someone else or convince them to tell another before they are ready. Please go ahead and get some knowledge on HIV, you ignorant putz.

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