Adam Dupuis's picture

Reader shares story of when a hook up doesn't go as planned.

I signed onto Grindr the other day and saw the announcement to the right. It was yet another pop up on another dating/hook up site for me to ignore. Nope, no capital T for me, thanks. No judgment, but it is not for me. I did see that it was either a regional survey or one that was going to gather data and separate it regionally.  But once again, it didn't matter since I'm not into that. 

But PnP, parTying, and inTo are common words we see on some of the bigger hooking up apps. And there are app users that don't mind a little T on occasion or all the time.

Later that same day, I received an email from one of our readers about something that happened to him. It was a little deja vu / is someone watching over my shoulder moment for it dealt with a PnP incident he had.  We've all had some hook ups that we wish we did not have. Here is what the reader sent us.



I'm writing because I would like to share with you and the general public a situation that happened to me just yesterday. I would like to highlight the prevalence and dangers of PNP and how it still remains rampant and a danger within my community. However, before I do I would like to say this. I'm a gay man that has struggled with drug abuse from an early age, mostly because of the rejection we suffer from at the hands of family, friends, and society. Ever since I was a teen, I always hoped to one day be an advocate, a voice for those in my community suffering from depression, drug abuse, and suicide. I have had very personal experiences with these three especially, and am hoping the sharing of this personal event helps. 

Yesterday, I was in a very frisky mood and decided to hop on Grindr to see what kind of trouble I could get into. Unbeknownst to me, this would truly be the biggest understatement of my life. I saw a profile of a very attractive man, a very simple picture of him taking a selfie in a bathroom, nothing out of the ordinary. I sent him a message and almost immediately received pic after pic with a reply. His pics were very hot, showcasing a chiseled body and a nice endowment. He stated he was from New Zealand and all I could think about was that accent and the fun we could have. He asked if I liked to party, and I replied that sometimes I did, and asked what did he have in mind? He said that he had some T to share and would love to get together. I thought of how hot of a time we could have, and I invited him over.

I gave him an address to a business right next door to my complex so I could meet him there, rather than him coming directly to my home and told him that I was going to shower. He said great, and he'd be there in 40 minutes. I was ready, excited, and nervous all in the same breathe. Forty minutes had passed, and nothing. I had given him my number to contact me when he had arrived, yet again nothing. After waiting an hour and a half, I was giving up and about to take a nap when I got a message on Grindr stating he was there. I contemplated not going to meet him because he was so late, and I had a weird feeling in my bones, but then started to feel bad thinking the time it took for him to travel to me, and then of course the hormones took over. Never in my life had I wished more that I went with that feeling in my bones.

I went to go meet him, and there was no one there. I looked around and he was nowhere to be found. Then out of the corner of my eye, I saw him standing in the business I had given him. He popped his head out the door and gave that all too familiar head nod. He came over to where I was waiting and on the way to my place we had a brief discussion about where he was from and what he did. Never for a moment during our discussion did he seem messed up, anxious, angry, or mental. He was very jovial, intelligent, and engaging and of course extremely good looking. As soon as we get to my place, I direct him to my room with much anticipation. We have some brief banter and then the PnP/parTying began. Fifteen minutes into it and out of nowhere, he says that he's going to leave and he thinks I'm a cop that I'm setting him up. I laughed and asked him what kind of cop would be doing all of this with him so I thought he might just be a little nervous. He frantically got himself together insisting that he was being set up and that he couldn't believe I would do that to him. At that point, I was not too far inTo the parTy and started to realize that he just might be a little paranoid and or had a head start on the parTy so I escorted him downstairs, said my goodbyes, and thought wow, what a crazy, but thankful that was the end of that. 

Some time goes by and I get a message on Grindr from him saying that he was going to call the cops and have my place raided, and that after our activities, he was having some "side effects on his appendage" and he was going to get me for assault. I had to read and reread the message just to make sure what I was reading was actually there. I asked him why would he do that, I'm not a drug dealer, never have any drugs except for the stuff he brought over and he seemed to be enjoying our time together. This went on for about half an hour, and it was clear to me that there was something wrong with this man. He was inventing and fabricating stories about what actually happened and there was just no getting through to him, so I blocked him. An hour or so goes by and I hear a knock on the door but don't answer as I'm relaxing in my room. My roommate comes home and everything is fine and normal, she and I are having our regular conversation and we both retire to our rooms. About twenty minutes later and another knock, this time I answer. As I open the door, it's him and he's clearly extremely high, agitated and tweeked out of his mind. I'm like, "what's up man, what are you doing here, I don't want you here, this is private property and you need to leave." He repeats the threats from earlier and adds that he's going to get me on luring, bribery, and countless other charges that have no truth to them. So I said, "you were going to call the cops on me earlier, so now that you're here I'll do it for you and have nothing to hide." I call 911 and tell them that there is a man stalking me and he's messed up and I need for him to leave the property.

Coincidentally, as I'm in the phone with 911, he places a call of his own to 911 but I can't hear what he's saying. I go back inside to tell my roommate what's going on, needless to say, she is pissed at me and won't let me explain anything. I go back outside and he is not there and I walk to the front gate to wait for the police. Five minutes go by and there are literally 20 cop cars, 5 fire trucks and 3 ambulances, and I'm thinking wow, all this just for my call? I approach one of the officers and identify myself as one of the callers and asked her why there was such a big response. She told me that the other caller stated that there was a fire in my unit and people were trapped inside and that somebody had sliced his penis. I was absolutely shocked by what she told me and assured her that was not the case and that the other caller was crazy and stalking me. As I'm walking with the officer to my unit, my roommate calls and tells me that the door has been damaged and the door knob has been broken off. One officer tells me that it was probably them trying to get in, but when we got to my unit, the officers there said they arrived and the door was like that. So some how, in the time frame in which I was waiting for the police and them actually getting there, he had broken the door handle off. Now, this guy is no where to be found, and I'm not even sure the cops were really looking for him. The police leave and give me a card with a phone and case number and say that someone will be in touch. I ask them about the guy, fearful that he may come back since he's already broken the door. They told me if I see him again to just call them back and they will take care of it.

I had called a friend that lives close by to see if he could help with the door as my roommate could not get out, and I couldn't get in. I go to the gate to let my friend in,  and I'm like omg, that's him, that's the guy ... I can't believe he's still on property. So I call the police again and they tell me the call has been answered and someone is on the way. My friend fixes the door, and as I'm walking him back out, we see him again, except this time he is in the trash dumpster looking for something. Again, I call the police and a little more frantic as nobody has shown up yet and his behavior is becoming a little more erratic and frightening. The operator tells me again that the call has been picked and and someone is coming, and if I see him again to call them back. Forty minutes go by and no police, yet I see this man, going back and forth to the dumpster, when then all of a sudden he retrieves something from the dumpster and heads to the gate. I follow behind as discretely as possible and as I get to the gate he jumps into a taxi. I run to the taxi and ask the driver to please wait as the police are coming and need to talk to this guy, but he drives off. I took a picture of the taxi cab plate and car number and give it to the police when they get there two minutes later.

I'm pissed, I'm scared, I feel violated and to top it all off my roommate wants me out. I have never before had someone over to the house, and the one time I do, this is what happens. I know it could have have been much worse and very grateful it didn't.  However, he is still out there, and the uncertainty is driving me crazy.  This man has had two things refreshed in his mind - PNP is so overrated and be careful of who you bring to your house. 



Our reader only mentioned PnP and not inTo or parTying which when there is a use of the capital T, it means the use of crystal meth. 

I know i've had some hook ups in the past that I wish I could CNTRL-ALT-DLTE and make it as if they never happened (can I throw an ex in there, too?). 

But do those that do PnP need to be more cautious? Do you increase certain risks of safety when PnP occurs?

From verywellmind.com we see these risks of Party and Play Behavior.

Besides the risks of being arrested, participating in PnP carries heavy risks in terms of physical health. PnP has been found to increase rates if STD transmission, including strains of HIV/AIDs. Some drugs, like meth, can cause mouth sores or abrasions which can make you even more susceptible to contracting a serious STD.

Additionally, PnP users are vulnerable to other threats, such as assault, theft or rape. Because many nP meetings are arranged in secret, using codes and often anonymous forums, you have no idea who you are engaging with and can be in serious danger by meeting up with these people in a motel room or other private location. 

We all get off differently, have different levels of excitment, like to be stimulated just so.  No matter how you like it, just be careful out there.


h/t: verywellmind.com

Comments

CastleSF's picture
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Come on. Only a tiny number of indiscreet gays use hard drugs so to say this insignificant problem is rampant is an insult to the gay community. 

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Wake up sillyhead, it's everywhere. Every bathhouse, every online hookup medium, every app, it's PnP ad nauseum. I got out with the last slivers of sanity a few years back and have been grateful to God ever since.

CastleSF's picture
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Again that's your personal experience and you are just one of millions of gays in this country. I don't know who you hang out with but I am not aware of any of my friends doing hard drugs. Therefore it must be just a negligible problem that will be forgotten in two years.

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What I think is an insult to the gay community is the fact that you think this problem is insignificant. However small you think of this as being an issue is irrelevant. Also, your opinion of it being a tiny number of "indiscreet" gays is seriously misconstrued. The reality of the situation is that it does exist, and it is rampant within our community. The thought process you have is the one that existed during the Reagan administration regarding AIDS. Not addressing the issue doesn't make it go away or make it simply not exist.

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