Are you tired of people questioning your masculinity? Want to be sure that you can find a job? Do you need to prove to your parents that you’re not on the wrong path? Well, have we got the thing for you!
There’s an online church that is issuing certificates and other holy items that will rid you of any homosexual thought in your body. This is to prove to the world that you are who you say you are in the streets, but a freak in the sheets--nonetheless.
La Iglesia del Final de los Tiempos or otherwise known as “The Church of the End of Times” offers a Certificate of Heterosexuality to insure that the naysayers at work, school, and home don’t question the fact that you are, indeed, straight. I mean, if it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, right?
This piece of paper, which is only good for 5 years, mind you, is certainly the answer!
The website is completely in Spanish, but translated it reads:
Certificate of Heterosexuality
Are you tired of people questioning your masculinity? Have you been accused of being a part of the ‘other side’? Do you hate that others treat you like you are abnormal? If this is, The Church of the End of Times has your solution. We were the first church in the world to incorporate this type of certificate. With the Certificate of Heterosexuality from the Church of the End of Times, you will be able to shut the mouths of those who wish you harm and talk badly about you. Show the world that you are a normal person, free of the practices of Sodom.
Let us remember that Sodom and Gomorrah were cities destroyed by God whose inhabitants had immersed themselves in perverse and unnatural passions.
The certificate is signed by His Holiness, Prophet Andres de la Barra, the only man on earth who possesses the gift of Homosalvation.
Get your Certificate of Heterosexuality today!
Another great item for ridding gayness is the Indecency Cleaning Cloth:
Indecency Cleaning Cloth
The Indecency Cleaning Cloth is an excellent accessory for cleaning that every Christian family should have. Clean the floors, the furniture, the restroom, the dirt in the corners, all the physical filth in the home, with these indecency cleaning cloths from the Church of the End of Times.
Show God which side you are on: the Creator’s side with the traditional family or Satan’s side of indecency. Use this cloth each time you get a suspicious visitor, and eliminate those who could pose a threat to the stability your marriage has set for your family. Don’t forget that your husband’s ‘intimate friends’ are the first enemy of God and the wife. It is in those spaces of nudity and complicitness that the devil of sodomy attacks.
Yeah, and it’s a rainbow flag!
But that’s not all! The Church of the End of Times also sells items such as:
- Certificate of Virginity - insures that you are, in fact, pure.
- Stove for the Sinning Woman - a stove that allows a woman to cook and scroll through social media all at once
- Rope to prevent left-handedness - yeah, you tie your child’s hand down with the rope so they won’t use their left hand
And another favorite:
Anti blasphemy mouthwash - rids your mouth of any impurities and blasphemous speech, as well as keeping your breath minty fresh! And it has 0% alcohol and 100% blessings!
There is no possible way this can be a real church! Or is it? These items are so outlandish that they are comical, but there are homophobic and non-homophobic people out there who are actually buying them!
If nothing else, they would make incredible gag gifts or pranks, right? I mean, think about it--someone walks into your office and sees that Certificate of Heterosexuality hanging on your wall and you wiping your computer monitor with a rainbow flag. And please, someone buy me that mouthwash!