#Church

Show people that you're on the straight and narrow with this certificate!

Are you tired of people questioning your masculinity? Want to be sure that you can find a job? Do you need to prove to your parents that you’re not on the wrong path? Well, have we got the thing for you!

There’s an online church that is issuing certificates and other holy items that will rid you of any homosexual thought in your body. This is to prove to the world that you are who you say you are in the streets, but a freak in the sheets--nonetheless.

La Iglesia del Final de los Tiempos or otherwise known as “The Church of the End of Times” offers a Certificate of Heterosexuality to insure that the naysayers at work, school, and home don’t question the fact that you are, indeed, straight. I mean, if it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, right?

This piece of paper, which is only good for 5 years, mind you, is certainly the answer!

The website is completely in Spanish, but translated it reads:

Certificate of Heterosexuality

Are you tired of people questioning your masculinity? Have you been accused of being a part of the ‘other side’? Do you hate that others treat you like you are abnormal? If this is, The Church of the End of Times has your solution. We were the first church in the world to incorporate this type of certificate. With the Certificate of Heterosexuality from the Church of the End of Times, you will be able to shut the mouths of those who wish you harm and talk badly about you. Show the world that you are a normal person, free of the practices of Sodom.

Let us remember that Sodom and Gomorrah were cities destroyed by God whose inhabitants had immersed themselves in perverse and unnatural passions.

The certificate is signed by His Holiness, Prophet Andres de la Barra, the only man on earth who possesses the gift of Homosalvation.

Get your Certificate of Heterosexuality today!

Another great item for ridding gayness is the Indecency Cleaning Cloth:

Indecency Cleaning Cloth

The Indecency Cleaning Cloth is an excellent accessory for cleaning that every Christian family should have. Clean the floors, the furniture, the restroom, the dirt in the corners, all the physical filth in the home, with these indecency cleaning cloths from the Church of the End of Times.

Show God which side you are on: the Creator’s side with the traditional family or Satan’s side of indecency. Use this cloth each time you get a suspicious visitor, and eliminate those who could pose a threat to the stability your marriage has set for your family. Don’t forget that your husband’s ‘intimate friends’ are the first enemy of God and the wife. It is in those spaces of nudity and complicitness that the devil of sodomy attacks.

Yeah, and it’s a rainbow flag!

But that’s not all! The Church of the End of Times also sells items such as:

  • Certificate of Virginity - insures that you are, in fact, pure.
  • Stove for the Sinning Woman - a stove that allows a woman to cook and scroll through social media all at once
  • Rope to prevent left-handedness - yeah, you tie your child’s hand down with the rope so they won’t use their left hand

And another favorite:

Anti blasphemy mouthwash - rids your mouth of any impurities and blasphemous speech, as well as keeping your breath minty fresh! And it has 0% alcohol and 100% blessings!

There is no possible way this can be a real church! Or is it? These items are so outlandish that they are comical, but there are homophobic and non-homophobic people out there who are actually buying them!

If nothing else, they would make incredible gag gifts or pranks, right? I mean, think about it--someone walks into your office and sees that Certificate of Heterosexuality hanging on your wall and you wiping your computer monitor with a rainbow flag. And please, someone buy me that mouthwash!

Nun "Collapsed And Died" During Exhausting Court Battle With Katy Perry

 

We can go ahead and file this under: "What the F-ing F is going on?" A legal battle involving Katy Perry and a group of nuns is like the premise for a Sick Sad World bit from Daria (shout out to my 90's boys out there) and has now at least in part been linked to one nun's death. I swear to God I'm not writing this while high on angel dust. This is happening people. 

Nuns comprising the Sisters of the Immaculate Heart claim to be the rightful sellers of a convent in Los Feliz that happens to be a valuable real estate asset. They are currently in a legal battle against Katy Perry, because the nuns planned to sell the property for a cool $15.5 million to a business woman named Dana Hollister, according to Just Jared. But the Archdiocese claims to have already entered a deal to sell the property to Katy Perry for a slightly less cool $14.5 million, and now the two holy sides are butting heads in court.

Things took a turn for the tragic yesterday when eighty-nine-year-old Sister Catherine Rose Holzman collapsed and died in court. The cause of death has not yet been released, but experts think it could have to do with the fact that Holzman was eighty-nine-years-old. Nonetheless, the optics are bad for Perry, and by conflating aspects of the story, some are attributing Holzman's death to Perry's persistence in acquiring the property. Before collapsing in court, Holzman said to Fox News:

To Katy Perry, please stop. It’s not doing anyone any good except hurting a lot of people.

The reality of these situations can obviously be far different than how they are reported. The nuns are relinquishing their convent to have it turned into a boutique hotel by Hollister, not a shrine to the Lord and the helpless children of the world. Still, according to the Daily Mail Perry is worth a reported $295 million, so she might want to either shell out the extra million, or just find another spot. WWJD?