I had a surprise waiting for me under my windshield wiper this weekend. No, not a parking ticket, but something far more menacing: a piece of paper with the words "GOD'S HIT LIST" at the top.

Apparently, someone's taken a hit out on my life and hired the big man upstairs to do the job. The paper itself is a "Things To Do" of sorts, with God's murderous grocery list.

In danger of being whacked:

1. People who do not fear God

2. People who have sex and are not married

3. Whoremongers, abortions [sic], murder [sic]

4. Men having sex with men

5. Women having sex with women

6. Devil worshiper [sic]

So what to make of this scary little missive? (Other than it has more typos than a late '90s issue of Instinct...ba zing! I joke because I care!)

If those of us on "the list" are getting a fair warning, shouldn't we at least know how/when God's going to do the job? (And, let's hope, in Bridget Fonda drag.)

If the idea is to make sinners stop sinning, perhaps the whole "God's love" thing could have been included? Because I spent my entire youth going to Sunday School, and the God I believe in is a merciful and forgiving one. And that's courtesy of Mrs. Van Dyke, my Sunday School teacher (with feltboards and an enthusiastic-yet-tuneless singing voice).

And if someone doing "God's work" (by way of Kinko's) thinks otherwise, I might want to warn them that Mrs. Van Dyke wouldn't like to hear that one of her lambs (even a gay one like me) was being harrassed, and they might just find themselves on HER hit list. (Which I would hope would at least be on a feltboard.)

Florida state representative Bob Allen, perhaps the smarmiest of the recent rash of Republicans caught in scandalous guy-on-guy action (or attempted action), was found guilty late Friday of soliciting prostitution. Allen, unlike other Republicans, has maintained no degree of culpability on his part:

"I have done nothing wrong, and my family, my God and my good constituents know that," Allen said as he left the courtroom flanked by his three attorneys. "We're going to continue to seek justice."

[Orlando Sentinel]

In fact, not only has he denied his guilt, he mysteriously blamed the fact that the officer was black -- and that there were other black men at the park where it happened -- for feeling like he'd "need to say anything" to get away. Which, apparently includes asking the officer if he could pay him $20 to perform oral sex on him. (See our earlier post here.)

Florida lawmakers are automatically expelled if they are convicted of a felony; Allen's conviction is a misdemeanor. However, Florida House Speaker Marco Rubio is demanding his resignation.