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We love her, but Joan Rivers is so 2000. So, with Hollywood’s streets finally reopening and celebs finding their dignity after a long night, we have assembled a crack team to tear into critique the best and the worst of last night’s red carpet.
Designer and Project Runway finalist Suede is here to give his two fashion cents, while Pandora Boxx, this season’s hysterical standout from RuPaul’s Drag Race, has put her fightin’ wig on and is ready to go toe-to-toe with Instinct’s Jeff Katz, Christopher Jones and TJ Jarboe as we give our gay takes on Oscars 2010. You've been warned, no one is safe. And first up is...
Sandra Bullock
SUEDEsays™: Style, opulence, elegance and sophistication. I AM SO PROUD OF MY GIRL SANDRA! Not only did she rock it and win the well-deserved Oscar, she looked all the part of old-school Hollywood glam in her Marchesa gown. She looks fresh, modern, chic, all while channeling the vixen's of yesteryear. Jewels are understated, hair is silky smooth just the way Zohan likes it.
JEFF: Loved the dress, but didn’t care for the hair. Too dark and too tamed.
PANDORA BOXX: Who says Grandma's doilies and satin sheets couldn't be put to good use!
CHRISTOPHER: Halleloooyur! Praise Oprah—somebody got it right! Sandy is giving me razzle-dazzle barbie and I am LIVING!
Colin Firth
PANDORA BOXX: Bland, James Bland. Double O Boring comes complete with knock-off Penelope Cruz accessory.
TJ: No, no, no—Super dapper! He looks great! Elegant and classy! Although, not sure about his accessory, she looks a little haggard.
SUEDEsays: Senior Prom anyone? Ok, I always wanted to get with my gym teacher, who Collin really resembles here. Menswear is so boring these days, but Colin does look uber sexy in what appears to be a Tom Ford tux. If we cut off Colin’s head and put Tom Ford's in place—voila cocoona transformation! I am disappointed that Colin couldn't spring for a better gown for Livia. I mean, really, it has got to be an Express dress ala 1989, with a clamshell ruffle sewn to the shoulder.
Gabourey Sidbie
SUEDEsays: This is one happy woman. Her smile let us all know how happy and confident she was in her Marchesa dress—and let’s face it, fashion has lots to do with confidence. This is the best dressed Gabby has been for any red carpet event. Bravo Gabby. You look like the perfect jeweled blueberry of happiness. Suede still wants to get his hands on you and turn you into the smoldering temptress you are! MEOUSE!!!!
PANDORA BOXX: Proving Mystique wrong, a big girl can make an attractive outfit out of curtains.
CHRISTOPHER: Big girl! You ARE beautiful! Gabby's mother would be so proud...I'm just hoping someone brought a TV down to the subway so she could see it.
J Lo
SUEDEsays: Oye mamacita, que buena estas!!! J Lo rocks my world. However, I'm not sure why she felt she needed to turn into a pearl and tightly wrap herself up in a bolt of iridescent pale pink silk organza by Armani Prive. I've always said the woman is the gem and the dress should be the wrapping. This was taking the wrapping part way to seriously. Let’s unwrap and start over J Lo.
PANDROA BOXX: “For my next trick, I'm going to make Dakota Fanning appear under this cloth.”
JEFF: She’s shitting chiffon.
Maggie Gyllenhaal
TJ: What in Tennessee airbrush hell happened?! She might as well have worn the 'Three Howling Wolves' T-shirt and gone for BBQ!
SUEDEsays: I actually freakin' love this print. Dries Van Noten totally channeled "Stary Night" by Vincent Van Gogh. Maggie is always a quirky girl and this dress fits her personality. I really don't believe this was the best silhouette to wear, though, for the evening. The dress does not celebrate any part of Maggie's body and really just makes me want to say "Eat something, I could snap you like a chicken!"
PANDORA BOXX: “My parents went to Tahiti and all I got was this lousy beach towel.”
Matt Damon
PANDORA BOXX: Feeling a little peckish, Matt brought his own tablecloth and made his date wear it.
JEFF: Looks like someone needs a new fashion identity...
SUEDEsays: Umm, time to start thinking outside of the box, Matt. I am bored to tears, so much so that I just can't look at you. This ill-fitting tux makes you look short, boring and not appropriate for the red carpet, let alone Oscars—even if this is Ferragamo. Matt, you just did a film where you mastered a tough accent, now its time to get on the style horse and ride, baby, ride.
Miley Cyrus
SUEDEsays: You go Ms. Miley! Absol-freakin-lutely FILTHY GORGEOUS!!! Classy and all woman for the Oscars in her cream Jenny Packman gown. I adore that Miley had some serious heels under this dress to give her that tall statuesque goddess vibe. The hair, make-up and jewels are planned well, but what's up with the tan lines babe?
JEFF: Yes, you go, Miley. Go home. Why were you even at the Oscars to begin with?!
PANDORA BOXX: It’s Miley's attempt to be seen as a serious adult actress in preparation for next year's Oscar hopeful: Hannah Does Havana.
CHRISTOPHER: I applaud Miley for being brave. To look like a hooker in front of the Academy takes guts.
Zoe Saldana
SUEDEsays: I don't lilac that!! I know we are all craving spring, but come on, there is no need to turn into a Givenchy lilac bush with a gemed, bejeweled, sparkly bodice. I mean, totally curio cabinet! If I squint hard enough I see poodles in the skirt. Maybe this is the dress for the modern day Cruella DeVille?
PANDORA BOXX: PET 'M (People for the Ethical Treatment of Muppets) doused Zoe with Polyfil for her shamelessness in wearing muppet hides to the Oscars.
JEFF: And after the awards ended, Zoe was asked to scoot across the stage and buff out the floor.
Mariah Carey
JEFF: Must she make everything into a baby doll ensemble?!
PANDORA BOXX: Not only did she forget the side of her dress, Mariah also brought her Golden Globes to the wrong awards show.
SUEDEsays: The girls have come out to play yet again! ENOUGH! We know you have perky girls, but after a long day at work, I don't need to see that in Valentino or otherwise. My dear friend Nina Garcia always says the easiest way to look cheap is: too tight, too short, too low cut and add some asymmetry in there. Voila! Mimi red carpet Oscars 2010. On a positive note your face and hair do look beautiful as usual.
CHRISTOPHER: Dear Mariah. You are no longer 25 years old, a C cup or under a size 4. I know you paid good money for them, but unless you intend on frying them, please put your breasts and thighs away.
Vera Fermiga
TJ: Who is she wearing, Georgia O'Keeffe?!
CHRISTOPHER: This is how you do ruffles and red-carpet couture. Vera was working the theme of her movie Up In The Air. She looks so light and effortless, she just might float away!
SUEDEsays: Vera Fermiga Fanagain, what the fan happened?! I don't know, but I am not a fan!
PANDORA BOXX: The new Ruffles Potato Chips spokeswoman, dressing to their new slogan, "You Can Never Have Too Many Ruffles."
SJP
PANDORA BOXX: After the awards, mistaking SJP as the cardboard tube, they rolled the red carpet around her.
SUEDEsays: Are we hiding another bump under that marsupial-like dress? As a NYC boy I have a special place in my heart for SJP, but this whole look is totally off for me and not very SJP. She usually has style dripping from every orifice, but for the Oscars something went terribly terribly wrong. Starting with that hair and the extensions that we forgot to have touched up before our event... Lets have a makeover day in NYC! Please, my treat. Still love you, I'm here to help!!! Call me!
TJ: I’m pretty sure by night’s end she was mistaken for the coveted little gold man and is now sitting on someone’s mantle.
Alright bitches, we get it! You like some, you hated more. So, who are your picks for best and worst of the night?
PANDORA BOXX:
Best dressed women: Meryl Streep, Cameron Diaz and Ryan Reynolds, my future ex-boyfriend
Worst dressed woman: Charlize Theron
Worst dressed man: Though I appreciate the nod to legendary Bea Arthur, James Cameron needs to stop looking like Dorothy Spornak.
SUEDEsays:
Best dressed: Sandra Bullock, Helen Mirren, Cameron Diaz, Kate Winslet
Worst dressed: Diana Kruger, Vera Fermiga, SJP
Instinct:
Best dressed: Sandra Bullock, Tom Ford, Meryl Streep, Jake Gyllenhaal
Worst dressed: Charlize Theron, Molly Ringwald, Mooriah Carey, SJP and Robert Downey, Jr.
Suede is a New York-based fashion designer and television personality. His creations have been worn by well-known names including Britney Spears, Lil' Kim, Destiny's Child, Mariah Carey, Jennifer Aniston and Christina Aguilera. Suede appeared on Season 5 of Project Runway, and as a semi-finalist showed a collection at Bryant Park. Suede is currently working on launching his own collection and a new reality show, and gives back to today's youth via a lifetime endowment at his alma mater, Kent State University. To stay current on all things Suede visit suedesays.com
Pandora Boxx is a New York-based drag performer, currently appearing as a contestant on RuPaul's Drag Race (Monday nights on Logo). You can also catch Pandora live and in living color every Monday night at Tilt, in Rochester, N.Y. To find out which street corner Pandora will be appearing on next, get all up in her tweets and follow her at twitter.com/thepandoraboxx and at her website, pandoraboxx.com
Jeff Katz, Christopher Jones and TJ Jarboe are the bitches of Instinct. You can catch more of their musings at instinctmagazine.com or follow them at twitter.com/instinctmag.
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