A religious experience on the Internet isn’t easy to come by, unless you follow Mrs. Betty Bowers. The now-ubiquitous web character first made a name for herself as a tongue-in-cheek satirist who put a magnifying glass on Christian fundamentalism, but has achieved Internet-stardom with gazillion-hit YouTube videos and a sassy, puritanical website that has disenfranchised GLBT and straight allies alike following her every Word.
Instinct couldn’t pass on an opportunity to chat with Mrs. Betty Bowers, and became overfilled with the holy spirit when she agreed to provide heathens like us with an exclusive interview to discuss her ministry, the virtues of designer labels and more personal secrets from her close friend Jesus. Consider yourself saved.
Instinct: Thanks for taking time out of your busy schedule to talk with us, Betty! We’re obviously huge fans/followers, right along with the rest of the gay blogosphere. How do you feel about being exalted on gay blogs and websites?
Mrs. Betty Bowers: Jesus and I respond to praise in rather different ways. Unlike Him, I'm not needy enough to demand it, much less under threat of torture, so I always know it's sincere. But Jesus once told me, "Hark Elizabeth, looking immaculate in Ralph Ricci! Flattery is like cash; it doesn't matter where it comes from, just as long as you get it." Nevertheless, such attention provides a lovely opportunity to introduce homosexuals to my BASH [Baptists Are Saving Homosexuals] ministry. I want gay men everywhere to know that Jesus touched me. And He can touch you, too. Quicker than you can touch yourself! Indeed, over the past 10 years (with a clarion call, in a chest voice, of "Be a man, girl!"), BASH has raised millions in tithes for my tax-free Christian ministries, helped politically marginalize homosexuals and almost cured close to two men from their addiction to penis. As all Conservative Christians who just happen to hate homosexuals anyway know, being "gay" is just a silly choice, a choice most often made by anti-gay Republicans between the hours of 10 PM and Midnight.
Instinct: You’ve been anointed “America’s Best Christian.” What are the duties that come with such a title?
Mrs. Betty Bowers: Well, being America's Best Christian, I am, de facto, the World's Best Christian. But that title comes with little import and even less jewelry, so, from a practical standpoint my biggest duty is remaining so close to Jesus we finish each other's parables. This, of course, causes America's Second Best Christian, truly the Eve Harrington of our faith, to become jealous enough to covet. As you'll recall, and as I remind Jesus, that's a sin, thereby ensuring my crucifix-themed tiara in perpetuity.
Instinct: How important are designer labels to being a good Christian?
Mrs. Betty Bowers: A surreptitious glance from almost any pew will reveal that the only thing more alien to American Christians than the benefits of fine tailoring is the teachings of Jesus.
Instinct: How do you feel about other fundamental Christians like the Westboro Baptist Church?
Mrs. Betty Bowers: Other? You're comparing me to Fred Phelps? Darling, that’s a bit like asking Tom Ford what he thinks about fellow designer Jessica Simpson. Honestly, I find Westboro Baptist appalling in their crude eagerness to reveal what they're really up to. They lack the sophistication and cagey eye to political ends of other Conservative Christians. We may hate all the same people, but we have learned to couch our loathing in more focus-group-friendly phrases than those ham-fisted prairie yokels at Westboro, with their blunt invective, polygamist-compound couture and patent unfamiliarity with hair conditioner. We talk in code. We don't "hate fags;" we "pray for sinful homosexuals." Frankly, these unsophisticated loudmouths are showing our hand. And politics, even more than a bathroom mirror, is no place for candor. I say: Love the sinner -- hate their shoes!
Instinct: Is there a place in heaven for the gays?
Mrs. Betty Bowers: For their sake, I hope not. After all, you can kill, rape or, worse, teach Evolution to as many people as you want, and all you have to do is say “Oops!” and accept Jesus as your Personal Shopper nanoseconds before dying and you're in! As a result of such an ill-conceived door policy, Heaven is absolutely crawling with the most odious people (a bit like Texas), whose only positive attribute is an exemplary sense of timing.
Instinct: When and how did Mrs. Betty Bowers first connect with Jesus?
Mrs. Betty Bowers: We both reached for the same Loro Piana cashmere stole at Neimens. I distracted Him by thinking how dreadful the color would be on Him. Insecure people should never read another person's mail, much less mind! By the time He realized He’d been had, I was halfway to gift wrap. But I did Him a favor: He could never have pulled off a delicate herringbone knit with loosely belted burlap and lesbian sandals. He's gotten over my sly gambit and come to see the wisdom of keeping orange away from His unfortunate skin tone.
Instinct: With a close, personal connection to Jesus, perhaps you can convey how He feels about such pressing social matters as Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell.
Mrs. Betty Bowers: Since we are talking about Someone who watches, with wavering attention, everyone poop, cheat and masturbate, the whole concept of concealment is a bit foreign to Him. (Unless, of course, His pesky mother is looking for Him, usually to bray for more free booze.) So when I first mentioned "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" to Him, instead of realizing I was slyly alluding to His apostles, He thought I was remarking on His American followers' preternatural knack for ignoring everything He asks or tells them to do!
Instinct: If Jesus were to return of flesh and blood today, what would he wear?
Mrs. Betty Bowers: If He has a television, a look of excruciating embarrassment.
Instinct: Speaking of TV – well, video, actually -- what made you take to YouTube to spread your Christianly message?
Mrs. Betty Bowers: I was called upon to create my Traditional Marriage video because it struck me that Christians who mention the Lord's Bible in public are a bit like celebrities who mention Plato's Republic in interviews: They seldom have actually read it. Therefore, I think it comes as a surprise to both Christians and unsaved trash alike, the Lord's rather inventive approach to marriage. Like much else in the Bible, it's rather lewd and shocking! Which is why Bringing Integrity To Christian Homemakers' workshop teaches that with a bottle of White-Out and a long weekend, you can remove all the lasciviousness, sorcery and violence from the Bible. This results in a book so small it will fit comfortably into any opera clutch, with room left over for your concealed weapon.
Instinct: How does Mrs. Betty Bowers employ her free time?
Mrs. Betty Bowers: I multi-task! I pray while I shop, usually for my size. A size Jesus is quick to point out is fully three sizes smaller than Mary's! (Only one of many reasons she calls me Yoko behind my back). Frankly, you'd all be in my prayers -- if only I had that kind of time!
Instinct: What’s next for you?
Mrs. Betty Bowers: I will do as I am called to do by the Lord Jesus, as expressed in the words I ventriloquize for Him in my head. As with all American Christians, His every encouragement, quite coincidentally, is completely consistent with my own selfish needs, even when the pesky suggestions He mumbled in the Gospels might seem to indicate otherwise. Frankly, the first thing on my list is to patiently ask Jesus to stop praying to Himself. People are starting to talk.
She's the female counterpart to Stephen Colbert. Hope she keeps on doing "the Lord's work."
+2
... written by Smartypants,
March 30, 2010
Deeply brilliant. Like, not just a little, or kinda, brilliant.
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... written by John R.,
March 30, 2010
Inspirational. Just simply (but with a coquettish sense of style) inspirational.
+2
... written by Davy,
March 30, 2010
Betty is fucking amazing.
+3
... written by Alessar,
March 30, 2010
The Tom Ford/Jessica Simpson metaphor was genius.
+1
... written by OfUAView,
March 31, 2010
Long live Betty Bowers! I would be happy with her as the head of a matriarchal society - and she's hot.
+1
... written by South Florida David,
April 02, 2010
Betty Bowers, you are an inspiration.
+2
... written by Steven in Atlanta Burb,
April 09, 2010
The Lord sent Rex-Ray-The-Ex-Gay 'straight' from Betty's BASH ministry over to suck, oops, to Save my weary soul from eternal hell fire damnation. He came in the nick of time, or was it 4 minutes? Either way, I've remained a long-time follower of false Idol Betty Bowers, as she truly is a better Christian than me.
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