“I’m a black gay man learning to be okay with dating people who don’t look like me”

Since I moved to Southern Florida, I've noticed I've been a little more attracted to as well as more sought after by darker skinned men.  Being a pale French Canadian bearish guy from Maine (a state that is 97% white), I'm finding this quite different than my experiences in New England.  When in Rome … 

A recent story in The Washington Post by Michael Arceneaux discusses the topic of dating and his inner turmoil when it comes to race.  Arceneaux "is a Houston-bred, Howard University-educated writer currently living in Harlem. He often covers issues related to culture, sexuality, race, and Beyoncé."  His most recent published piece starts off …

“I told you when you came out to me that you weren’t going to end up with a black man,” my sister said to me recently, laughing hysterically. I had just told her about a friend of mine predicting my future, which involved an interracial marriage, the two of us remodeling a brownstone and being featured on HGTV.

There’s nothing wrong with interracial relationships. They’ve given me Mariah Carey, Barack Obama, a few lifelong friends and plenty of men to fawn over on Instagram. In the future, romantic relationships in this country are poised to become even more multiracial, not less.

Yet, I’ve always wanted to end up with someone like me — though ideally with less student loan debt. I’m not against dating anyone else, but I want someone who not only looks like me, but also understands me. – thewashingtonpost.com

His humor is present throughout his Post entry.  But he does shed some light on his true turmoil.  Is there a desire to date within the race, but not being able to find the right one?  Is that a true feeling / occurrence in the black community?  I cannot remember all the comedy / drama movies I've seen where the "hetero bi-racial" couple has to fight and explain their love. I cannot speak to the interracial topic from the eyes of a black gay male, but I know speaking as a Bearish guy that isn't attracted to fellow bears / bigger guys, I sometimes get crap from members of the bear community.  Attraction happens and we cannot always define it.  I don't understand "app" guys that get all pissed when you say you're just not attracted to them.  Are they physically attracted to everyone?   We like what we like and we cannot fight it.   What does Arceneaux say about anti-love for your race or "category" of gay?

When black people say they prefer dating outside of black, I sometimes hear self-loathing in that statement. I do not want people thinking that I hate myself, or my black features, or that I find other groups of men superior. I do not hate myself or others like me. I just have not had a lot of success with black men upon moving to New York City two years ago. 

Since that time, most of the men I have dated do not look like me. The majority of them have been Latino. I match with them mostly on Tinder. And on those other apps. (I live not too far from 125th Street, so this cannot be attributed to location.) The same goes for in person, my preferred form of meeting men. – thewashingtonpost.com

Hyper-masculinity, dating Latinos, and whom he may never trust in the dating realm are covered in his full article at the thewashingtonpost.com.  Take a click over to Arceneaux's funny yet truthful story and see if your experiences are similar.

Of course this is one man's opinion on blacks dating other blacks. There are no surveys, studies, or diagrams involved, but instead his life experiences mixed with a little humor. But does he hit home?  Here are some questions for you.

Do you date only members of your race? 

Do you only date outside of your race?

Do you find yourself not approaching men due to the differences or similarities of your race(s)?


5 thoughts on ““I’m a black gay man learning to be okay with dating people who don’t look like me””

  1. I love dating men other

    I love dating men other ethnicities. All men on this planet are beautiful and kind and sweet and sexy! I've made my rounds, hehe ;-), so I find incomprehensible when I hear "No blacks" "No whites" No nothing… There are extremely attractive men from every continent. There's a deeper psycho-sexual turmoil when someone says, "you like who you like." It's an excuse to accept racism in sex because not doing so would mean a "violation." When in truth, you have failed to explore your failings as a human. Sex is a last frontier in racism. 

  2. I have two black sex buddies.

    I have two black sex buddies. I get along with them very well. I am looking for relationship with any race. 

  3. A lot of it is about how you

    A lot of it is about how you phrase things. I vastly prefer dating men with body hair (though not a requirement). Many ethnicities don't have much body hair, but I just say "I like hairy guys, but open to all." Were I a jackass, I could easily phrase it as "mostly attracted to white men." 

    Now, that statement is misleading; I also have a weakness for Gingers (who are often smooth), and I have dated quite a few black men without a single hair on their body.




  4. There’s absolutely nothing

    There's absolutely nothing wrong with dating outside your race, BUT to be so narcissist as imply that you are so unique and no other black person comes close to your personality and your wants in a relationship is sickening. It's not that serious.  You'll get more respect just owning what you like and who you like and stop making excuses for it.  Doesn't mean you're self hating, just means that your brain finds that different hue of skin more appealing. 

  5. I’m afroCuban. So I’m very

    I'm afroCuban. So I'm very Hispanic and culturally aware but I appear to be just black. I have only dated two guys. They resemble each other and I didn't realize it. Both light skinned short gentlemen. One was Mexican/Spanish the other was Puerto Rican/White. Now I'm single but really attracted to a White guy. I often envision our happiness as being married and starting a family. I'm attracted to Black guys as well and have thought yes they would understand our history or be able to relate better. I feel even being gay I would get less scrutiny from my Black community if I dated a Black man. but at the end of the day our hearts desire what they desire and if my heart desires a man that just so happens to be White, then that's who I'll be with. 


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