A 26-year-old man, who describes himself as a “masculine straight guy,” wrote in to the Savage Love advice column explaining that he “loves exploiting the fantasies so many gay men have about straight men.”
The man, who signed the missive Ally Loves Personifying Homophobic Assholes (ALPHA, get it?), shares that when a gay guy is “into me because I look like his straight-masculine-jock dream, it’s a power trip like no other.”
ALPHA says when he goes on gay dating apps like Grindr he looks for a specific type of “bottom gay dude” he describes as a “very feminine ‘thicc’ guy with a pretty face.”
This “masc straight guy” always starts by sending photos of his junk to get his target primed. And then he asks these guys to send videos of themselves twerking for him.
But – ALPHA never meets up with any of the guys. Although he admits he’s “experimented” with guys in the past (mainly receiving oral), he says he has no interest in having sex with any of the guys.
According to ALPHA, he feels like he’s “earning his heterosexuality” and proving to himself how straight he is. Plus, in his mind, he thinks he’s providing a service to his targets by being “that rare, mythical thing – the straight DOM top.”
ALPHA admits this all seems “pretty f*cked up” and he’s somewhat confused as to why he does all this. In fact, he’s concerned that his little game might come from a “homophobic place.”
In closing, ALPHA admits to himself, “I guess it is homophobic because when you remove the intensity and power trip of being the straight male in this scenario.” And he asks for an answer to his question.
Although there didn’t seem to be a clear, specific question posed in the note, Alexander Cheves, “famed sex writer, author, and columnist,” provides a reply to ALPHA.
“I don’t see any major problems with this, and I’m not fully clear on what he perceives his problem to be,” writes Cheves. “For gay men, straight men can be a kink, and the reverse can also be true.”
“Regardless of how he identifies, ALPHA enjoys dominating feminine gay men, who he ultimately denies,” continues the author. “Sexual withholding — denying and being denied sex — is part of many fetishes and is really hot. So this guy’s kink involves withholding and, like many kinks, it involves role-play. He’s role-playing as ‘the straight strict Dom top.'”
But Cheves points out that “We all enter Grindr chats willingly, and we should do so knowing that anyone we talk to may have no plans of following through with their promises to meet.”
Cheves adds that the men ALPHA is messaging are “chatting with him consensually,” so he doesn’t see any consent violations. Although, he does point out that sharing any of the videos sent to ALPHA would be a big no-no.
Cheves’ take on the situation is ALPHA is getting what he wants (power play) and he’s meeting a need for his targets. So, no harm, no foul.
But it’s not clear that the gay men ALPHA role plays with know he’s just playing a game.
Cheves goes on to say that even the homophobia aspect doesn’t alarm him because “shame, stigma, and prejudice have their place in many fetishes.” As long as no violence is committed or harm caused, then he doesn’t see a reason to be concerned.
What do you think, readers? Is it this kind of role-play ok? Or is it homophobic?
I’m a sucker for real science and this psychology is mmmm
Sounds like a closet case playing off the emotions of other people. You can call it a fetish and then give him a pass because kink-positivity is important. And I wonder if that’s really what is going on here. Maybe instead of asking a column, this guy should talk to a therapist to actually dig into what’s going on.
Maybe it’s kink. Maybe he’s a douche. Maybe, it’s a step to coming out as bi. Maybe he’s desperately insecure. Only he can find out by being authentic with himself.
It is totally ok. I do it all of the time. It’s a complete power trip. I get them off in their fantasies, so fuck em.
What a gross fuck.
Dont be so hard on yourself.