You know how sometimes a man grows a beard and suddenly looks like he could chop wood, explain quantum physics, and rearrange your entire life with a single glance? Yeah. That’s what just happened with Pete Buttigieg.
The former Secretary of Transportation showed up to his appearance on The Weekly Show with Jon Stewart sporting a full beard and a low-effort, high-impact button-down—and the gays have not recovered. They are spiraling. They are howling.
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Let’s be clear: Pete has always been a smart cookie. But scruffy Pete? That’s a daddy biscuit right out of the oven.
Once the episode dropped, all hell broke loose on social media. Thirst tweets flooded the timeline faster than a poppers’ whiff at a Brooklyn pride afterparty. Honestly, neither did we. But here we are. And we’re panting.
It’s a well-documented queer phenomenon: a beard changes everything. Suddenly, the guy who looked like your civics teacher becomes the guy you imagine whispering political theory into your ear while grilling shirtless. And in Pete’s case, the transformation is less “midwest modest” and more “I fix bridges by day, and ruin lives by night.”
Gays have a sixth sense for a serve, and this beard is a category-five event. Gone is the squeaky-clean, high-and-tight former mayor. In his place? A rugged academic silver fox with just enough chaos in the eyes to make you reconsider your entire type. Someone even mock-pitched a cologne called Buttigieg: Notes of cedar, competence, and the slow burn of a man who knows what he’s doing.
The beard isn’t just facial hair—it’s a cultural reset. A soft launch into zaddy territory. A signal to the world that Pete has range. He can do diplomacy, but he can also do damage—to your hormones, your TikTok algorithm, and possibly your sense of self.
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Has he announced any plans for 2028? Irrelevant. He already has our votes. And by votes, we mean whatever unholy things are being typed in his DMs right now.
So here’s our formal endorsement:
Beardigieg 2025.
For thirst. For fashion. For the gays.
Pete, if you’re reading this: thank you for your service. And please, we beg you—don’t shave.
I love you Pete and Chasten and your two delightful kids who are about 4 yrs old now, right? Pete, I am 73 yrs old and want to live long enough to vote you and your family into the WH. I voted for you in the OH primaries and don’t regret it, tho you dropped out and supported Joe, which I loved. But I want to see you and your family in the People’s House in my lifetime. You’d be a great president and are just what this country needs!!