Dating Etiquette: Is It Wrong To Ask ‘Are You Masculine?’

(image via Depositphotos)

An exchange between two gay men chatting on a dating app has gone viral and sparked a huge conversation about ‘masculinity’ and gender expression.

Facebook user Ethan Jeremiah posted a screen capture of the quick conversation on his Facebook page on September 7. It’s not clear if Jeremiah was part of the actual chat as the image has been shared several times across the inter-webs.

In the chat, the first person inquires, “Are you a masculine guy?”

The second person responds with a question: “What would you define as masculine? Lol.”

“Not a flaming gay queen lol,” says the first guy.

Guy number two didn’t seem to care for that definition which was termed as ‘toxic masculinity’ by some commenters.

“I have too much going on in my life to worry about how someone perceives my personality based on heteronormative ideas of gender expression,” read his response. “I just am. I’m not worried about masculinity or femininity nor do I really care where I fall in line with someone else’s perception of those things.”

(image via Facebook)

The comments on the post were wide-ranging:

“Best answer ever.”

“Your clapback was everything.”

“So savage, yet so eloquent.”

“Some people’s idea of masculinity is another person’s ‘Hey, gurl!'”

“I don’t mean to be that guy, and I respect everyone no matter how they act or sound. But I’m gay. I like dudes. I like dudes that sound like dudes. If I wanted to date someone who sounded feminine I’d date a girl.”

Another Facebook account shared the screen cap and the comments were just as varied:

“YESSS FOR THE READ!”

“So you’re fem and dramatic. Got it”

“No one is masc , give that bitch a couple drinks and put on some Beyoncé. The queen always comes out.”

“Anyone who asks that question has zero self confidence.”

And this comment took the author to task for having language skills: “First of all, you apparently don’t have much going on in your life if you have that much of a vocabulary. Secondly, I sympathize with the guy asking about being masculine. I’d rather not be with a ‘flaming queen’ either.”

The conversation took several turns as some felt the “masculine/flaming guy queen” comment was out of bounds, while others gave the first guy props for “knowing what he’s looking for.”

Tell us what you think, readers. Was the initial question off-base? Or was the response addressing ‘gender expression’ over-the-top?

10 thoughts on “Dating Etiquette: Is It Wrong To Ask ‘Are You Masculine?’”

  1. This whole masc / femme thing is way too confining. We need to move past it. I’m masculine enough to have a beard and play rugby. I’m feminine enough to sometimes get manicures and pedicures that include having my nails painted. So, if someone were to ask me, “Are you masc?,” if I’m honest, I cannot answer with a simple yes or no. It’s a stupid question. And it’s stupid to try and force people into boxes and labels.

    • It’s not about discrimination. I accept anyone who wants to be my friend as a friend. This is about sexual stimulation. I can’t control what stimulates me sexually. I’m attracted to traditional heteronormative masculinity, not feminity.

  2. This whole masc / femme thing is way too confining. We need to move past it. I’m masculine enough to have a beard and play rugby. I’m feminine enough to sometimes get manicures and pedicures that include having my nails painted. So, if someone were to ask me, “Are you masc?” If I’m honest, I cannot answer with a simple yes or no. It’s a stupid question. And it’s stupid to try and force people into boxes and labels.

  3. Interesting… I get this all the time and to be honest if you want to place someone inside a box defining whether they are male or female, masculine or feminine the entire question is ridiculous.. If a man is gay them that means that by society and definition he has feminine qualities.. One wouldn’t be gay of they didn’t have that particular need to be with a man sexually since it should be “between a man and a woman ” regardless of that the site is for sex not anything else.. All one needs to know is who is topping and who is bottoming.. The rest is not important. So yes I agree with the response the gentleman gave and it’s a darn shame even gay men duscriminste against one other.
    Sigh
    Simon

    • Its called a preference. We all have them. Its funny because the only ones offended by it are the ones that are afraid to say to answer the question.

  4. Like on comment post said, “all that to say yes I am”. We get it some people don’t handle rejection well. Everyone has a thing called preferences and people have to deal with it. If not, 8-10s wouldn’t be dating/screwing only other 8-10’s they’d be going after 1-5’s.

  5. I see a constant contradiction in these cases. If the assumed effeminate guy is beyond “heteronormative” ideas of masculinity why did he set his eyes on a man who we can assume sports a masculine demeanor?

    It’s always the same, effeminate gays always go for masculine-looking men; they never hit on other effeminate men.

  6. I love my men to be masculine, manly. It’s a major turn on. Besides to each their own and it doesn’t have to do with “issues”, personal preferences

  7. I’m attracted to good-looking “heteronormative masculine” men. I won’t apologize for that. Not one human on the planet has any control over what stimulates us sexually.

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