DDF – U B 2. Is that insulting? Discriminatory?
I went back home to Maine for a nice two long respite in the great white north. To pass the time, this single guy jumped “on the grid,” what my friends call it when we sign on to the hook-up sites to see what’s around. Maine is pretty remote. When I’m at my parents in the center of the state, I see Canadians on most apps and when I’m in Ogunquit, I’ll get Bostonian abs and buns, oh, and some faces, too. When in Wilton Manors, most of my apps max out while still in Fort Lauderdale. So it is quite a different grid up there.
I lived in Maine for 40 years and in Portland for 14. Maine is a small state with Portland, it’s largest city having a population of 60,000. Living there, I’ve made friends, acquaintances, enemies, couple of exes, and some sporadic fun buddies, and one special bi guy that I enjoyed knowing for well over half a decade. Some things we miss more than others.
So while “on the grid,” I received a message from one of my past hook ups. All it said was “DDF?” If you don’t know what that means, and some have not, it stands for drug and disease free. I had hooked up with this man about 5 times or so. I knew he was Positive and we had never done anything that led to a top/bottom situation. DDF. I had placed that in most of my profiles followed with “you be too” or “U B 2.” Now with his message, simply repeating what I had in my profile, I felt some shame. But should I? I had been there before, done things with him, but now that he had seen that in my preferences, it wasn’t going to happen again.
Is my DDF statement worse than, no fats, no Asians, no fems, no blacks that others place on their profiles? Is it the same type of preference or would you call it discrimination? I had met a Saudi Arabian the other night and he had asked what kind of guys I like. He narrowed it down in his own head to me liking black men and not Asians. I had told him that I didn’t have a preference to ethnicity, but it all depended on how the genes stack up. We are all attracted to what we like. But I didn’t bring up the drug and disease free preference.
DDF. There was no other message from my Portland man and I felt bad, but it was my doing. I enjoyed our times we had together and would have liked another. What if I had “no Asians” on my profile and “place name of Asian fun buddy here” had seen that? How would I have felt then? I had made the exception before with DDF when I met the now upset man so why is it now part of my profile as a pretty prominent preference?
Drug AND disease free. It is a drug free preference as well, not just disease and not just against one disease. I’ve said no to more parTiers than for the other reason.
What is your take on the DDF preferences some of us have?
Is it acceptable?
Is it like an ethnic preference? Age preference? Position preference?
Very insulting . Ironically,
Very insulting . Ironically, many people who have ddf will say 420 ok… so, they really aren't opposed to drugs. And no, it's not just any disease , if it's sti you're afraid of you probably shouldn't even be online. It's 2018, get a clue . You mainly get hiv from ppl who think they're neg. Really . I was one of them.
….,,.
There is NOTHING wrong with
There is NOTHING wrong with DDF and/or clean. I don't see why people have to lower their standards and dance around information they should most directly know just because someone's delicate feelings may be hurt. Oh no! It pertains to health and it maintains that it is important to know critical information as drugs and diseases are not good for one's health. My need to know if you have a disease and/or are on drugs helps me understand risk, in a much more detailed and accurate manner than taking a shot in the dark. It's not like we're telling people to wear stars of David like they did during the Holocaust. We just need to know important information that protects us all. Last I checked gonorrhea, syphillis, chlamydia, HIV, etc. were diseases. Last time I checked; meth, cocaine, heroin, and molly are drugs used by many within the gay community. By banishing the use of "DDF" we have to go through such convoluted steps to figure out risk levels and it isn't as efficient. Then we lose our avenue of directly understanding what risks we face if we're having sex with someone who may be a diseased drug addict. "Oh, I was going to take steps to figure out my level of safety by asking about your drug use and if you were carrying any diseases, but it would hurt your feelings, so I won't ask; it's offensive." Furthermore, the fact that many are obligating us to find people on drugs and with STDs attractive and as potential sex partners is nothing short of sickening [quite literally] and that is not okay at all. If a person wants to avoid risk by not having sex with someone who isn't DDF, then they should have every single right to do so because they're keeping themselves healthier with better communication, we're effectively keeping ourselves healthier which is better for everybody. "DDF, UB 2" [although I don't understand the UB 2 part; stop being lazy and type it out] goes beyond a preference, it is a right that everybody is to be entitled to. It is the responsible thing to ask and anybody offended is part of the problem as to why drugs and STDs continue to destroy the gay community.
DDF is not anything close to
DDF is not anything close to a nasty statement like "no fats." Being fat is not a contagious disease like an STD. And I've never heard of any stories of a fat guy sealing anyone's supply of snicker bars after letting them into anyone's apartment. HIV is still a serious problem, and drug users (apart from a little weed) are unsexy and unpredictable. If anything, the term DDF should be assumed.
I don’t find the term DDF (or
I don't find the term DDF (or Drug and Disease Free) to be discriminatory. I do find another term often used EXTREMELY offensive though – "I'm clean. You be too." HIV does not make a person dirty or unclean. It is an illness that is often being treated with medication. Would you refer to a person dealing with cancer as "unclean". It is an extremely offensive term to HIV + people. Drug and disease free – I suppose that is a preference, but it does seem like a bit of punch in the gut to a person dealing with HIV unless you are referring to other common diseases like cancer, diabetes, heart disease, etc. "No fats, fems, blacks or Asians" is EXTREMELY offensive as well. If you put things like this in your profile, I just assume you are a major douche bag and I wouldn't have any interest meeting you anyway.
It’s a preference. Get over
It’s a preference. Get over it.
“Get over it” is not the basis for an argument. It’s fair to say you really have nothing to say at all about this subject. Your “preference” is based on irrational fears and stigmatizing others. As pointed out in the article, by 2015 (and certainly now when I write in 2020), the only people who transmit HIV to others are people who think they’re negative when in fact they have HIV and it is untreated and their viral levels are very high. So good luck with your “preference” of stigmatizing those who pose ZERO risk to you (HIV+ and undetectable) while “preferring” the very demographic that poses the real public health risk. Your “preference” is no more than ignorance. I’m sure I just wasted my breath though. After all, I’m presenting an argument based on empirical evidence to someone satisfied with “get over it” as a persuasive argument.
As someone who has been HIV+
As someone who has been HIV+ for 15 years, on treatment and with an undetectable viral load, I do find it very discriminatory and insulting. I know my status and what to do about it. This type of derogatory statement is what make many hide or lie about their status, making things more dangerous for everyone. Additionally, most people do not know that a positive person is also at risk. My strain is my strain and any new infection is the same for me as for someone who is negative. There is so much ignorance on the subject out there that it is downright terrifying. After all these years, you would think that we would educate ourselves. Therefore, to me, being so uninformed you limit your possibilities. As for drugs, I also have been clean and not so clean at different points in my life. This is a little harder to categorize due to the many different drugs out there. Where I would not want to hook up with a "tweaker", a casual pot smoker is something completely different. Again, why limit yourself. Having a candid and truthful conversation first is always the best option. I myself have met a few men who's stance I have altered by actually communicating. What a novel approach.
Good points. But do you
Good points. But do you expect people to get into "conversations" with everyone? At what point should you bring this all up? The first date, the second, ever? These sites are intended to cull the infinite list of men down to a manageable number. You really can't blame anyone who is seeking out a sexual partner, and who is disease free, to list "disease free" as a basic requirement. Yes it limits everyone. But that's the sad nature of the incurable diseases we face today. For those who lie about or hide their status, it's just another bad decision they've made in their lives. Be open and upfront about your status so that you can enjoy the man you're dating (or just fucking) without having this secret hanging over you.
I always ask myself if it’s
I always ask myself if it's something I would say or ask someone in person. I find the laziness is usually on the part of the seeker. If you're just looking for a hook up that night take a few minutes to update your profile and say so. Nothing more annoying than the first sentence you see from someone is in complete contradiction of their profile. It destroys any trust that may have been built immediately assuming one can trust anything from typed words or profiles. I personally don't mind if they put their detailed preferences in their profiles. It usually tells me they aren't someone I would be interested in meeting anyway. Unfortunately, this seems to narrow down the field significantly now. We seem to choose our preferences in meeting people now with the same regard we have for a pair of shoes.
The more specific the better.
The more specific the better. If they're too specific, chances are they are shallow and immature. But it's good to know ahead of time. I'm Latino, uncut, naturally smooth. Don't want to waste your time with pointless banter if I'm not your type. Let me know up front.
I find the profiles with all
I find the profiles with all of the exclamations of ‘no this’ or ‘no that’ to be really shallow and sad and discriminatory. If you’re an adult it’s very easy to say ‘sorry not a match for me’ or ‘thanks for the interest but I don’t feel an attraction’.
Personally when I get those responses I’m happy that I’ve conversed with a adukt and mature human being and not a shallow juvenile narcissistic jerk.
Besides in truth when you open yourself to the possibility each time you may be surprised and have a great time with someone who was on your ‘no’ list. Preferences will always guide us and everyone has their own and that’s truly ok. It’s natural. But having said that you just never know.
Drug free is perfectly
Drug free is perfectly acceptable. Who wants someone showing up tweeted out of their minds with a limp dick. That's no fun! Disease free, well that is kind a waste if you ask me. I doubt seriously one of us has never had an STD, not if you have played around with any frequency. In the case of HIV and Hepatitis, if you are concerned with preserving your negative status you should treat all sex partners the same and use safer sex practices. I have a lot of respect for men who admit they are poz and if their hot I am adult enough to weight the risks for myself. Studies show that a poz man on treatment and an undetectable viral load and me on PREP are pretty safe to play. DDF could hurt feelings but more importantly they can often be a lie. Better to speak frankly in person.
There is nothing wrong with
There is nothing wrong with having ANY preferences. It's all a matter of how you present it.
We all want what we want. No point in drawing someone in only to inform them after the fact that they don't "fit the bill".