How could an alcohol that reminds you of your favorite childhood candy go so wrong? Besides root beer barrels, fireballs and red hots were my go to hard candies. I'd much rather have those than a candy bar, Oreo, or gum. So as an adult, you must have heard my gasp clear across Wilton Manors the first time I saw the bottle of Fireball Whisky.
Flash forward to one fine Sunday Morning (okay afternoon) as I am face down, spread eagle diagonally across my bed fully clothed. I was able to find my cell phone and the unread messages, "OMG you were on last night" and "never seen you let go like that before." But where was my car? All I remember was meeting friends at The Village Pub and then leaving to go to another bar. I was filled in by friends that's when the shots started flowing and the shot of choice was Fireball Whisky.
Can you blame a black out night on Fireball? No, you cannot blame it on the alcohol. You need to blame it on you drinking too much of it, but I know I'm not alone when the too much was in the form of Fireball. It's evil, hot, and so good. Even Cosmopolitan did an article on the stuff, "9 Reasons You Should Never Drink Fireball."
Oh, Fireball. What an embarrassment to alcohol. The cheap and syrupy cinnamon mixture was made for newbie drinkers and Solo cup college parties, and that's as far as it should have made it in the booze scene. Yet somehow it remains a popular order at bars nationwide. But this is wrong. So completely, sadly, and utterly wrong. Sure, it might serve its purpose in a big batch Jell-O shot, but if it's your favorite booze, then you really need to sort out your priorities. Because there are more than enough reasons to not drink Fireball.
1. It tastes like Red Hots soaked in water. Actually make that Big Red gum soaked in pee. Just the thought of sipping this syrupy mess is enough to make you gag and start dry-heaving. And these grandmas trying it for the first time agree with me.
2. Fireball has the worst recipe ideas with even worse names. Any drink that ends in "balls" or "nuts" is best left behind. Same goes for the eye-roll-inducing fragile masculinity of the"Man-mosa." And don't even get me started on adding cinnamon to lemonade. Barf.
3. It's always ordered by the d-bags at the bar. You know who I'm talking about: the bros with popped-collar Polos and gingham button-ups, finance guys who always cut you but somehow touch your lower back while doing it, sorority girls and college freshmen (with fake IDs, obviously) looking to get plastered on a Thursday night, juice heads bragging about how much they can lift.
4. Sorry, but it's "whiskey" not "whisky." The makers of Fireball, Sazerac, are based in Louisiana. So there's no need to use the United Kingdom's spelling of whiskey. But even beyond semantics, the cinnamon drink is hardly authentic, which brings me to my next point…
5. It's not even real whiskey. Fireball is just a hyped-up, overly flavored liqueur that pretends to be as badass as the hard stuff. Even Sazerac admits this, filing Fireball under its "Shooters" category and not alongside the rest of the whiskeys it produces.
6. It's weak as hell. At 66 proof, Fireball has 20 percent less alcohol than a true whiskey, which typically clocks in at somewhere between 86 and 100 proof.
7. It always leads to terrible decisions. No one orders a single shot of Fireball because it's cheap and weak and apparently people like to torture themselves. And so, since it's only ever had in excess, it inspires ridiculously drunk behavior — like peeing in public and starting fights with the bouncer. Hate to break it to you, Fireball, but no good story ever started with "Well, we were drinking Fireball…"
8. It will give you the worst hangover. Sugar and spice and everything not so nice. The morning after drinking this nasty concoction should be enough to make you quit it for good.
9. It contains an antifreeze ingredient. A fact so unsettling to Europeans that the sickly sweet booze was recalled in Norway, Sweden, and Finland. The chemical coming under fire is propylene glycol, which supposedly enhances flavor by absorbing water, is a slightly less toxic compound than ethylene glycol, which was — until recently — most often used in antifreeze. – cosmopolitan.com
Do you have your own reasons? Isn't the antifreeze thing enough?
And WTF? Whisky? Are they counting on our short attention spans, r <3 of txtng, and our way of shortening everything that we would not notice the "e" missing from whiskey?
Still in love with Frbll Whsky, I mean Fireball Whisky? If so, here are some mixers using the wicked stuff.