Is It Okay To Be Uncomfortable Around Fem Guys? Yes, And Here’s Why.

I read another blog this past week covering this same topic.  But unfortunately, it seemed the focus went from being uncomfortable around feminine guys to hating them.

Many on this topic feel we should not quantify men into feminine or masculine categories, for we all should be just people, and labeling males as feminine could be seen as a negative and degrading.  It reminds me of people that proclaim they don’t see skin color or age or weight when they look at a person for they are on a higher social plane of existence.  Does anyone else feel these people are in denial?  To not see pigment, clothing, chicken legs, belly rolls, or that receding hairline, I must be talking to Stevie Wonder.

I recall at my last place of work, there was another gay male in my department.  He was not overly feminine, but was not the more masculine type of gentleman either.  I’ll probably get crap for that statement alone.  Working with him was fine.  We got along fine in the workplace, but that was it.   It was fine.  There was no real connection.  It was fine.  Did I say it was fine?  Another job, let’s call it Job B, found me working in close proximity with a more feminine gentleman.  Yes, he was a gentleman.  Very nice with coworkers, but the long hair, lisp, subject of his conversations, and purse just made me uncomfortable.  I said it.  His femininity made me uncomfortable.  It wasn’t an uncomfortableness that would make me avoid him, but I did not seek him out.  Does that mean that I am not comfortable with myself?  With who I am?  With my sexuality?  With my femininity?  Am I a bigot?  I’d say no to all of them, but others would probably tell me otherwise. 

So what did I do with that more feminine coworker at Job B?  Really, not anything at all.  I did not have daily direct contact with him.  Our jobs were in the same building, but that was it.  We did hang out at department functions here and there since we had the same core group of work friends.  I gave him a chance, but there was no friend connection.  Others may say that I am not comfortable with my sexuality in the work environment and therefore do not wish to associate with other gay men at work, especially those that are definitely out there and flamboyant.  Once again, I would say no.

Here is part of the blog from Gayguys.com that was published recently.

Internalized homophobia is an underrated issue in our community, one that is hard to talk about. Like all things, it’s rooted with fear and misunderstanding. What we haven’t bothered to investigate is the very thing keeping us from each other. The segregation of “masculine” and “feminine” does more damage than we imagine. We’ve all been guilty of it at one time or another, but how far has it gone?

What does it mean when a gay man vocally pronounces his discomfort with feminine guys? Does he hate himself or does he hate the stereotype? Personally I’ve known many dudes who’ve been victimized by labels. Because of it, they’ve grown an idea about femininity that puts certain gay guys in a box. On the same token, I’ve also known guys who hate being gay and have turned these feelings towards others.

If you’re going to be uncomfortable around me, I’d rather it be because you think I slept with your boyfriend – not because you think I’m too flamey. There are plenty of people in this world I don’t get along with, but at least I have a probable cause. Trust me when I say you’ll be much happier if you choose your battles. At the end of the day, masculine vs. feminine is nothing but a pathetic excuse to make yourself deny the fact that you don’t like yourself.Gayguys.com

To read the entire blog, go here.

No one can tell you to be comfortable with someone or give them a chance.  Well, okay, yes, they can tell you those things, but it has to resonate inside you to give someone that chance.  You have to do that.  So we prejudge.  I guess that is prejudice then right?  Is it okay to avoid situations and people that you know may not make you the most comfortable?  So do we need to sing joyous songs and give everyone a chance?  That is your call.  

Is it okay to be uncomfortable around Fem Guys?  Yes it is.  Let me tell you to be more comfortable with the loud woman down the hall or have lunch with the guy that seems to eat an on the bone breast of chicken, but when he’s done, he only has half a napkin and 1/3 of the carcass on the plate (ugh, those college roommates).  Let me tell you to be comfortable with the womanizer in the office or the guy that seems to never stop talking or even the quiet person in the office.  But I guess we know how all of these people operate by meeting them and hanging out with them.  Maybe we should meet the feminine guy and see what’s up with him, before we throw him out with the bathwater.  And I do meet with people, give everyone the benefit of the doubt. We need to stop the prejudging but when the pattern stays true all the time, we have to at least notice it.

Do lesbians have this issue?  I may have to read up on this subject, but do lesbians have this communal difference between the lipstick and non-lipstick kind?  Can I call them that?  Or is that wrong to point that difference out?  It seems the gay community is a little more hooked up on the fem / masc issue that the lesbian community.

It is appropriate to give fem guys as well as lesbians a chance, even if you find that you do not socialize too well with them usually.  Sometimes behaviors are too much for us to overlook, but then there may be that one that will sneak through those cracks of prejudging and you will hit it off.  Just because there is that lisp, that purse, or that mullet, it doesn’t mean that we will be uncomfortable with 100% of them, but it might happen more often than not. 

Is it okay to hate fem guys?  To that I would say no and I feel that is where many have the issue.  The difference between the boundaries of being uncomfortable and dislike and hate are blurry for some.  I think it is both negative to prejudge but it is also negative to re-label uncomfortableness as hate.

And if you are a fem guy and I feel uncomfortable around you, chalk it up to my loss.  We cannot be friends with everyone and we cannot be happy with the choices other people make.  I have many friends that are feminine.  But there are some that I just do not click with and part of that non-clicking is because of their femininity.  Should I dislike you because you dislike being around bigger guys? unfit guys?  No.  It's your choice and you may be missing out on someone great, but I cannot change your likes and dislikes.  It is up to you to change those likes and dislikes if you feel you need to. If we don't click, we don't click.

Is this any different than not desiring to hang out with a loud male or female?  What about one that is a close talker?

Ok, I'm ready for the hate mail.

And, of course, this is my opinion and not that of Instinct Magazine.

———————————

So, this is an addition to my blog entry.  It's been posted for about three hours and it's great that I've been called a twatwaffle and a douche canoe among other names. And I'm okay with that. It's also visible that many comments on here and facebook still jump to associate being uncomfortable with hate. It is also amazing that we have so many psychoanalysts reading instinct, that is those who made it past the title of the blog.  Many clearly did not and actually stated that in their response.  Some say I wrote this for attention.  Not true at all.  Also the tone of the blog nor myself believe that Fem Guys are lesser people which has been another accusation. I love what one of the readers, Byron Scott Jones said as a comment, "It is always OK to be uncomfortable, provided that you recognize that your discomfort is YOUR problem, not theirs, and that your discomfort does not turn into discrimination." Thank you Byron! It is a personal feeling to be uncomfortable and it is important that it does not become discriminatory.

Another comment I thought was well written…

Covey Eric Though the person writing this article seems to have taken the long way around saying it, the point seems to be clear; we're all human, we're all different and the idea that we could all be comfortable around each other is just not realistic. People behave the way we do, it doesn't make any of us less of a person but the fact is there is no one who behaves in a way that doesn't make someone else uncomfortable and to think otherwise is ignorant. So yeah being uncomfortable around someone is natural, that's not an excuse to hate or otherwise discriminate against these people. If you aren't comfortable around someone you don't have to go out of your way to befriend them, but you shouldn't be rude, mean or discriminate against them either. The simple fact is that we're all different and not everyone can be comfortable with everyone else so deal with it, but try to be nice about it.

19 thoughts on “Is It Okay To Be Uncomfortable Around Fem Guys? Yes, And Here’s Why.”

  1. Why is everyone so angry?  I

    Why is everyone so angry?  I'm a masculine, gay man.  I'm not uncomfortable around effeminate men.  I don't consider them to be less and I do have some very effeminate friends.  I do understand where he is coming from, though.  The only reason, I would say, that I have effeminate friends is because I met them through others.  I don't avoid them, but as the gentleman writing this blog said, I don't seek them out, either.  The same way some people don't really hang out with goths, skaters, or people in the hip hop community, I don't really hang out with effeminate men. I don't wish any ill will on them and I'm perfectly fine with them being in my life, I just don't see myself around a lot of them.  When he says they make him uncomfortable, I don't think he meant to seem like he was discriminating, I think he just meant that they're not his favorite people.  Just like some people don't find people from the deep south to be a desirable company, or some people don't like to be around very religious people.  Again, I don't think it was a personal jab, but more him stating how he feels around people who act a certain way.  And it's fine as long as he is respectful and treats them with dignity.  He may not identify with many men who are effeminate as well.  I know I usually don't.  And weather he's attracted to them or not shouldn't be brought up, since we're talking about being comfortable around someone and not about who he finds attractive.  I don't find myself attracted to effeminate men, but I have been turned down by masculine men who find me too masculine.  So, I think the hate should stop coming from everywhere. All these comments are just going to make things worse.  If someone would've just said, "Hey, they're people like us too, try to see if you have similar interests." or something to that effect, he may have been less guarded and more open to listening.  

  2. I am effiminate… I dont

    I am effiminate… I dont have a boyfriend because no one likes effiminate guys. Just thought i would point that out for no good reason at all.

  3. What ever happened to the

    What ever happened to the right of personal opinions? As long that you can respect others rights and not bring unjust harm to those which you disagree [despise], things will be easy. Coming from a gay black guy who happens to come off straight. Feel free to illustrate my point now.

  4. I don’t feel comfortable

    I don't feel comfortable about this article and it's okay.  Is it ok to be uncomfortable around masculine gay guys who only like other masculine gay guys? Yes and here's why:  because they don't like themselves and are insecure cowards.

  5. This article isn’t even well

    This article isn't even well-written. You did little research (probably none at all) before posting this hate-speech. Segregating feminine and masculine homosexual men and saying that it is "okay" to feel uncomfortable around them is 100%, undeniably, horribly wrong, and by saying this, you are essentially saying that YOU deserve respect and equality, but those bothersome flamboyant gays don't. You should be ashamed of yourself for hitting the post button. Everyone deserves respect, and even if you want your bottom to be all hairy and call you "bro" when you enter him dry and fancy yourself a god, all gay men deserve your respect in and out of the workplace. Yes, even on the internet. If "some" of them make you uncomfortable, then I have to agree with other commentors — you are a misogynist pig that is uncomfortable being gay and you fail to understand that gender is just an idea.

    • mi·sog·y·nist

      mi·sog·y·nist

      1.a person who dislikes, despises, or is strongly prejudiced against women.  synonyms:woman-hater;  

      I don't think I ever stated I hated women, nor did I say fem guys were women so misogyny does not apply.  As for the research needed to be done, this was a blog entry and not a research paper or an article.  Apparently no one in society can state they are uncomfortable with something unless they researched the crap out of it or visit a shrink?  If I'm uncomfortable at the Ramrod pig dance where public sex occurs, I better get to a doctor quickly since there might be something wrong with me?  I have a friend who is uncomfortable around children, especially when out in public.  Should we analyze him or just understand that he is uncomfortable?  And if I was a straight male that was uncomfortable around overly masculine women, that would be uncalled for as well, correct since him being uncomfortable definitely translates to HATE?  Since I cannot write well, if I was to be seated at a dinner table with college professors and this made me uncomfortable, I would be in the wrong, too?  I would be anti-smart people or sumpin?  And if I am uncomfortable at a party where pot is being smoked, what does that mean? Should we cure my friend by strapping babies to his body?  Put me in a pot filled room? OR allow people to not put themselves in situations where they feel uncomfortable?  What is quite evident is that most people translate being uncomfortable with hate, bigotry, disrespect, and discrimination.  And I am fine with being gay.

  6. if you’re trying to pretend

    if you're trying to pretend that you're ok with yourself and your issue with effeminate gay men isn't due to internalized homophobia…. maybe you should have used a different picture? karofsky was uncomfortable with kurt because he was self-hating closet case….like…. 

  7. It is a fucking disgrace. I
    It is a fucking disgrace. I did not even read the Article just by the name of the Article says it all. Anything that has to do with one group hating another group is wring plain and simple this writer should grow up and learn Tolerance. And as thw one comment said Instinct should hire better writers with no hate for one group and another if it wants to stay a credible media source.

    • You did not even read the

      You did not even read the article, and yet you still feel that you are justified in commenting.  Well, I guess this shows that Conservatives do not hold the monopoly on prejudice. 

  8. besides the fact how much

    besides the fact how much pain this is going to cause people in our community, this is a horribly written article if INSTINCT wants to maintain credibility it needs to hire writers that dont sound like their writing for a 9th grade English course. 

  9. I almost can’t tell if this

    I almost can't tell if this is supposed to a parody because of how sloppily it echoes things that bigots say. It seems to me in parts you only want to justify your own sexual preferences, but it's pretty clear that this goes way beyond who you want to have sex with. 

    –I mean, you don't have a problem with feminine gay men, but you do compare them to a string of obnoxious to repulsive behaviors like "the loud woman down the hall or have lunch with the guy that seems to eat an on the bone breast of chicken (is this typo BTW?), but when he’s done, he only has half a napkin and 1/3 of the carcass on the plate (ugh, those college roommates).  Let me tell you to be comfortable with the womanizer in the office or the guy that seems to never stop talking." You actually think not wanting to be friends with a womanizer is on par with you disliking feminine gay guys? 

    –"I don't hate gay people, but they make uncomfortable" is a commonly used defense for homophobes — one torn down constantly by this very site. Why do you think it's suddenly okay to not accept people but not "hate" them in your case?

    –Do you not see how you trotting out your "a little fem" boyfriend at the end echoes the "but I have a black friend" argument used by people to justify racism? 

    I started reading this really hoping for a unique point of view on the topic that brought up some interesting things about choosing our friendships. I don't think there's anything wrong with being exclusive about the people you choose to have in your life. I do think there's something very wrong with a gay man who is "uncomfortable" around feminine gay men, or anyone who is uncomfortable around any other wide-reaching qualification of a group of people. Not to mention someone who would write an entire article justifying why it's okay for him to dislike a man manifesting traditionally feminine traits as opposed to actively try to overcome his own biases. Do you also feel uncomfortable around feminine women? If not, why do the traits becoming irritating to you when they coming from a man. 

    I know you are literally begging for hatemail on this, and you'll probably not really take this to heart — but you have some seriously archaic views on gender that are why there is a poison brewing between the gay community and feminists. 

    I hope you become willing to be pragmatic and educate yourself in the future, instead of writing a speech about how you are entitled to hold prejudices against people for not projecting traditional gender roles. 

  10. I can understand how some
    I can understand how some seemingly exaggerated behaviors (not just those within the gay community either) can make one uncomfortable. And I would like to add a slight twist, it’s not the fact that some fem guys can induce an uncomfortable feeling, it’s that so many masculine gay men DO look at fem gay men as less, treat them as less…instead of giving many if not all fem guys “Respect”, respect that was earned since yhe beginning of our movement for equality and before. Drag Queens caught back against the police brutality at Stonewall, and Fem guys proverbialy BLAZED and burned the path for us all, including many of the masculine “closeted” and in that context let me also say “cowardly” at times gay men before we even really had a community. The fems were the mothers of a movement, nurturers and fierce defenders of others in times when hate (from the outside) was so much more rampant. And if the things we consider masculine such as strength, honor, protection, “truth”, then these Fems were many a time more Men then those who now ridicule them. I came out at 15, I’m 30 now….And I remember the hell I lived through in the south for being “the girly boy”, “the it”, “the fag” and on and on, but I refused to hide who I was, because I wanted to be proud and i wanted some other lil boy who was “sensitive” or different like me, to see [someone] at least even once in their lives that was, like them, and not afraid. As I’ve gotten older, my flame has burned down. I’ve embraced more of the man in me so to speak, but I’m never going to be a “bro-ha”, and i shouldn’t be looked at less then for it. Crux is, the fem/masc this is and has been so prevalent, that the masculine men I’m attracted to, who I want to balance out my inner person with theirs….want nothing to do with me. I stoped feeling lonely, or looking long ago…I just kind of accept it for what it is. But I will not stand by and let those who were our ONLY face when we had none, our ONLY voice when we were speachless be harrased for having the BALLS to live openly when others cowered in the shadows. I can accept that some of the fem guys rub you the wrong way, that’s not the problem. The problem is the lack of respect we give fem guys in general. Now, let’s keep talking about this important subject, not bash each other. 🙂

  11. I thought this was a well

    I thought this was a well written article personally. Some of the other commenters may feel differently upon re-reading what was actually said by the author and which parts were quoted from a seperate source.
       It seems we ( as a community in the LGBT) seem to think now that we can't have preferences. Nothing that I read  said that ANYONE should be mistreated, underrepresented, or prejudiced about, or bullied. The main message in the article seemed to be that not everyone likes feminine guys. That isn't even an opinion of the authors really….it is a fact. Not everyone likes fat guys, same with old guys, thin guys, young guys, guys with facial hair, guys without facial hair, short guys, tall guys, ( Please don't send me replies about not everyone liking guys at all – this is obviously a post about gay males that happens to discuss lesbians, etc. You still get the point)
     Anyway,, discriminating against anyone for their sexualty is wrong no matter how you look at it. That doesn't mean you can help how you feel when you meet someone, just means you can't be nasty just because of that factor. You can't tell from my response here whether I am a masculine guy or a feminine guy ( or somewhere in between) and yet you have still made some decisions about me during this read….

    • I don’t think he was talking

      I don't think he was talking about preferences, I do believe everyone has his preferences and that's okay but he was talking about feeling uncomfortable around fem guys, it doesn't specify if he was being hit for them or not, so if he was feeling uncomfortable with a fem guy who works with him (his own example) there's something wrong there (read discrimination not on purpose but for lack of information) cuz if they are not doing anything wrong with you why would you be bothered by them?  

  12. I’m glad for the feminine

    I'm glad for the feminine guys that you're too uncomfortable to be around, because I wouldn't want to be around you either. This article is the epitome of douchebaggery.

  13. Well, I hope you read this

    Well, I hope you read this and I don't want to send you a hate email, but you're wrong. I'm seeing as a victim of misogyny because you don't want to related yourself with fem guys because unconsciously you see them as an inferior person like men see women as inferior. It's ok to say you don't have something to talk about or there's no subjects to talk between you and a fem guy but that doesn't mean he gonna make you uncomfortable. If you're not able to walk in the street beside a fem guy you don't wanna be related to him and don't wanna suffer any problems that 'The Fem Guy' might bring to you so you're just being victim of misogyny.

    This follow statement just reinforce what i'm saying…

    'If you’re going to be uncomfortable around me, I’d rather it be because you think I slept with your boyfriend – not because you think I’m too flamey. '

    It's ok being known as the cheater or the handsome guy who sleeps with everyone (a strong male stereotype) but it's not ok being known as the flamey guy(a strong female stereotype)

    It seems you wanna be accepted by the society for the wrong reasons, you wanna be accepted because you're similar to the majority and not because you're different like everyone else and actually the differences don't matter cuz everyone should be accepted by the way we are.

    I invite you to make a reflection about why you're feeling uncomfortable it's because you and fem guys have nothing in common or just because you don't wanna be related to them.

    We're all looking to be accepted by the way we are so i believe if i wanna be accepted i have to do my best to accept everyone who's around me beside the differences between us, if there's no offense or mistreat there's no reason to be uncomfortable with them. Think about it! Xx

     

  14. This is actually a relevant

    This is actually a relevant and really great question. I do not personally feel uncomfortable around a feminine guy although my personal preference is straight acting but young looking guys (They dont have to be young, just look young). sometimes I can be very attracted to little twinky guys that act feminine, but if they act too immature I get over it quickly. However I do feel uncomfortable around guys that over express themselves or sing their sentences back to me. I have a guy at work that does this and I personally like him, but when he does this I feel uncomfortable. Might be because I dont advertise my sexuality. I also dont hide it, but I dont feel the need to share that side of my life with everyone I meet. Its a part of me, but it isnt all of me. I also dont feel comfortable with guys that feel the need to talk about every hot guy they see, I am probably a little bit shallow when it comes to my taste, but its my taste and I dont actually like every guy I see! 🙂

Leave a Reply to Wian Cancel reply