I’m someone who has primarily tipped the scales on the larger side throughout most of my life. There were those years where I was in great shape because of being on many kinds of sports teams, but that was an eternity ago, a.k.a. high school. Now I’m in my early 30’s where I can’t remember a time when anything under 200 flashed in front of me when weighing in at the doctor’s office.
Being a size 38/40/42 pants kind of guy has had its ups and downs during my journey of self-discovery and my time in the gay community. It was something that would make me immensely insecure when I was starting out as a fresh 21-year-old cub in New York City, surrounded by so many men who were in better shape than me.
Now more than a decade has gone by and I’m comfortable in the skin I’m in. I’m also someone who enjoys dating a myriad of men who come from all backgrounds and shapes. One shape that always seems to hit me up on a variety of apps that I log in and out of are the men that are commonly referred to as chasers.
A chaser, from my point of view, is a skinnier dude who is mostly attracted to guys of a certain size. They have zero interest in their own body type when it comes to sexual or romantic attraction and enjoy using the words “beefy” or “husky” when describing their ideal type. They’ll always be the ones who think Chris Pratt was hotter when he was on Parks & Recreation compared to his more chiseled presence in Guardians of the Galaxy. See also (in terms of celeb crushes): Kevin James, Seth Rogen and John Goodman.
The pendulum swings both ways though as there are a great amount of “beefy” guys who only go for chasers for their own reasons. Both sides will sometimes reject me because I’m not a certain weight they desire and vice versa, so technically I’m in that weird middle space where they turn a blind eye should I say hello to them in person or woof at them on Scruff/Growlr/Grindr etc.
There have been several however that have found me attractive for many reasons, some of which rely purely on fetish while others go beyond the pounds and focus on the person that I am.
I must be brutally honest in that the ones that fetishize me, they will never ever make it past the first date (even if we get that far). This would be something that I would be turned on by when I was just starting out as my insecurities were flaring so much that attention from any guy, especially one who’s in shape and anatomically correct, would make me feel good for what they were trying to do to me.
For example, I’ve had chasers in sexual situations attempt to grab my stomach fat as it turned them on. They’ll also make comments on my chest area that is seen as flattering to them but a turn off to me. And then there are key words that don’t work in my vocabulary which they view as a compliment, but to me as an insult. Calling me words like “chubby” or “fat” in relation to your sexual appetite to me is simply degrading.
If doing something like this is consensual between two people then have at it. To me the words “fetish” or “preference” are tricky as it’s like walking on eggshells when not trying to offend in the process. I am someone, especially on the latter scale of things, who wants to date any and all kind of guys as I can see past the physicality and hone in on if they are a good person or not. Not saying every gay guy doesn’t do that, but we are a very sex-prone society with some who toss away certain kinds of people based on pre-conceived notions and ideas on how they behave and look in the bedroom.
For me, when it comes to dating or sex with a guy much skinnier than me, I can spot their intentions early on and figure out if this is something worth pursuing or simply enjoying a nice meal with and moving on with my life.
Another thing that is difficult to deal with, if you are in a bear/chaser or chub/chaser kind of relationship, is the judgmental comments you’ll get from others. Some “friends”, and I’m using quotes here because in this situation, they don’t have your best interest at heart, will question why you are dating someone who looks very different from you as opposed to getting it on with a fellow slender or husky dude. If they are doing this, then it’s time to explain to them why they’re so ignorant even if what they are doing is done in a lighthearted manner. Should this kind of behavior persist, unless they have your best intention at heart, then you might just have to drop them as a pal as you wouldn’t behave this way if the roles were reversed.
Bottom line is, and this goes for anyone navigating the romance world, know your worth when it comes to the other person and your support system and not be boggled down by the actions or negativity from others in the process. In other words… if they make you happy in the best of ways, then keep it going.
This is the opinion of one contributing writer and not that of Instinct Magazine or other contributing writers.