Q&A with ‘Boyslut’ Author Zachary Zane

Zachary Zane is no stranger to intimately discussing his sex life. He’s constantly sharing his own sexual experiences in “Sexplain It,” his sex advice column at Men’s Health. And he has a digital zine on substack that is quite risqué. (Risqué is actually an understatement. It is extremely raunchy and graphic. He shares the time he turned into a “cock demon” at a Greek sauna, his threesomes with bisexual porn stars Wolf Hudson and Steve Rickz, and when he topped “10 hooded bottoms at Church.”)

His new book, Boyslut: A Memoir and Manifesto, shares how he became the sex-positive, polyamorous kinkster he is today. It details how he was able to reach a place of sexual pride when, just like most queer men, he had a lot of sexual shame growing up. His book may not be as explicit as his digital zine, but it is hilarious, heart-warming, and, yes, still quite sexy.


We spoke to Zachary Zane to learn about his journey writing Boyslut, what he hopes readers will take away from his memoir, and what’s next for the “bicon.”

Your book is coming out on May 9, so soon! Why did you decide to write Boyslut: A Memoir and Manifesto?

In short, because there hasn’t been a book like this. As I note in the forward of Boyslut, I’m not aware of a memoir (or manifesto), written by a bisexual man, about how to overcome sexual shame. Frankly, I think it’s about damn time. We are long overdue for more modern, queer, and sex-positive narratives. At the risk of sounding like an asshole, I’m exhausted by the same stories I keep reading: a little gay boy from the South/Midwest who grew up in a religious, homophobic family moves to a big city, finds his chosen family, and learns to embrace who he is. Don’t get me wrong. These are important and moving stories, but they are just a subsection of the larger queer experience. 

Being a greedy bisexual, I wanted more. I didn’t grow up in a homophobic, sex-negative household. I grew up in a very liberal, queer-affirming household—and guess what? I was still overcome with sexual shame. I still struggled with being bisexual, polyamorous, and horny all the time. Sex negativity is pervasive, insidious, and touches us all—and not in a fun, kinky way. So, as a child and as an adult, I craved narratives that spoke to my experience as bisexual. Since I didn’t see any that did, I wrote this damn book!  


What was the most challenging part of writing Boyslut? 

This book shows my journey to becoming the sexually shameless man I am today, a man who’s embraced all aspects of my sexuality. But I wasn’t always like this, and when I was younger and dating—I wasn’t honest with myself and my partners about my sexual desires and boundaries. So I accidentally hurt a lot of people emotionally. Of course, that was never my intent, and it wasn’t done maliciously, but it’s challenging to reflect on your life and to remember (and write about) the many times your actions have caused others pain.  


What was the best part of writing Boyslut? 

Honestly, it was having 5,000 words a chapter to really expand on a subject matter—whether it was queer men’s relationships with hook-up apps, navigating sexual rejection, sharing more about my “extreme” kinks, or my year living with my boyfriend and his wife. I usually have 1,000 words to share a story—1,200 if I’m lucky. So I can really get into the nitty-gritty and get more in-depth when writing a 75,000-word book.  

Your book is for everyone, regardless of gender or sexual orientation. But in a way, it’s also a love letter to the bi community. How do you think public perceptions of bisexuality have evolved, and what do you hope your book will add to this larger understanding? 

When I started writing about bisexuality nearly a decade ago, there was very little bisexual visibility, especially male bi visibility. I remember Googling “bisexual guy” in college when I thought I might be bi, and the only thing that came up on Google were stories about bi men having or spreading HIV. Then there were a few articles like “12 Things to Never Say to a Bi Person” and “10 Myths About Bisexuality That Aren’t True.”


But in the past five, there has been a BOOM in bisexual visibility; and I’m really proud to say I was a part of that. I think we’re realizing that bisexuality isn’t just a phase, bi people aren’t just “greedy,” and all those other ridiculous stereotypes aren’t true either. 

To my knowledge, this is one of the first (if not the first) memoirs written by an out and proud bisexual man detailing his experiences and thoughts as a bi man. And I really delve into the nitty gritty in this book about living life as a bi person. I think it’s not only going to help bi people feel less alone but also help bi people realize that they’re part of a larger community. (I also think gay and straight folks might better understand our struggles and learn how to be more inclusive!)  


You also touch on being “fraysexual” in your book. You define it as: “[S]omeone who is only sexually attracted to someone they are not emotionally connected with; they often lose sexual attraction as they become closer with someone. Fraysexuality is on the other end of the spectrum from demisexuality, or those who are only interested in sex after an emotional connection is established. Both fraysexual and demisexual people can be gay, straight, bi, fluid, or any other sexual orientation.” I’ve noticed a lot of recent articles about fraysexuality. To be honest, I think you started this trend. Can you speak a little more about this sexual orientation and why it was important for you to “come out” as fray?

I was surprised by how much of an impact this had. I bring up being fraysexual, not to say I’m marginalized for being fray, or anything like that, but to illustrate that we all have a different relationship with sex, and that’s okay. The key is finding a partner who complements your sexual desires. I give the example of my now ex-boyfriend. He was (and still is a porn star), and after a long day of getting fucked by three 10-inch schlongs on set, he doesn’t want to fuck anymore by the time he gets home from work. So even though we were both highly sexual people, sex wasn’t the glue that held our relationship together. And that was okay! As someone on the fraysexual spectrum, dating a porn star was perfect for me. 

The one thing I worry about as fraysexuality becomes more mainstream is claiming the label when the issue is really a struggle with intimacy due to previous relationship trauma. That’s different than being fraysexual, and I want to make sure people are really, as folks love to say, “putting in the work” before embracing the label. But, if after reflection, you think this label describes who you are, then embrace it, baby! And work to find a relationship style that suits your needs as a fray person. 

Your writing is often very explicit and graphic. Is it just for shock value, or is it something else? 


While I love shocking my reader, it’s absolutely not just for shock value. I think, all too often, queer people (just like some older generations of gay men) try to remove all talks of sex when discussing our sexuality to make us more palatable to mainstream, sex-negative audiences. But that doesn’t benefit anyone. Not talking openly about something that we all do will not solve anything. We’ve attempted to sweep sex under the rug for centuries, and look where that’s gotten us. Besides, sex is part of our sexuality! It’s a BIG part. It’s a FUN part. And only when we discuss sex—all aspects of it—can we truly become a sex-positive society and overcome sexual shame.  

Do you still have some elements of sexual shame? Or are you truly, 100 percent shameless?

I wish I could sit here and tell you I have zero sexual shame. But that would be a big fat lie. I don’t think anyone can ever reach a point free from sexual shame. Our society is just too sex-negative. But, I will say when I do feel sexual shame, I can acknowledge it very quickly, label it as shame, and then unpack it in order to overcome it. 

I essentially become a persistent 5-year-old child, repeatedly asking follow-up questions. Why do I feel shame? Is this something I actually think is wrong, or has society conditioned me to believe this is wrong? Who am I afraid will judge me? 


I then, if I feel I need to, talk to some sex-positive friends about it. Having friends—a community of people—who don’t judge you is huge for overcoming sexual shame. 

Tell us about your Boyslut dildo!! It’s bisexual-colored, yeah?! 


YES! I cannot tell you how excited I am that I have a limited-edition, bisexual flag-colored Boyslut dildo coming out the same day as my book, May 9. I partnered with the sex toy manufacturer and retailer Fun Factory for it. While it’s sadly not a mold of my penis, I still pray people everywhere will have multiple orgasms using it. 

What do you ultimately hope readers take away from Boyslut?

Regardless of sexual orientation, gender, age, race, and anything else—I hope you can embrace your unique relationship with sex, no matter what it is. It may mean only having sex when you have an emotional connection with someone, but it could mean having bareback, anonymous sex in a sauna every day of the week. It could mean you only have non-penetrative sex. (If that’s the case, remind yourself and your partners that non-penetrative sex “counts.” Don’t feel pressured to stick your dick into anything or to fill up all your holes.) So really, I hope my readers can own their sexual desires and have a satisfying sex life, however that looks to them. 

What’s next for ZZ?


The thing is, you can’t write a memoir every year! Maybe twenty years from now, I’ll write a follow-up memoir called Daddyslut, but in the meantime, I’m excited to pivot ever so slightly. I plan to write a novel, a funny romcom starring a bisexual man who feels torn between the gay and straight worlds. I’ve outlined the first chapter already and am REALLY excited about it!

Intrigued? We were when we first met Zachary and the curiosity continues on. We’re excited to see what he has to offer in his book, are you?


Order Boyslut: A Memoir and Manifesto here

You can also run into Zachary Zane online in the following outlets as well as see him in person for his book tour (see Instagram post for locations).


Sexplain It Column: Men’s Health 


Navigating Non-Monogamy Column: Cosmopolitan

Zach and the City Column: Queer Majority 

BOYSLUT: Digital Zine


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