Stephen Colbert used his opening monologue last night on The Late Show to lament the announcement that Justice Anthony Kennedy is retiring from the Supreme Court.
“If you’re on a low-carb diet, you’re in luck, because there ain’t no way to sugarcoat this,” Colbert began. “Justice Anthony Kennedy announced he’s retiring from the Supreme Court. I never thought I’d say this but you’re only 81. You know what they say, they say 81 is the new 79!"
"And don’t tell me your mind’s going. Because I’ve read Bush v. Gore and Citizens United, you never had one!”
“Oh, we are supremely screwed,” the funny man continued. “I look forward to Wolf Blitzer in 2021, ‘In the end, this Supreme Court case will be decided by the swing vote, Justice Meat Loaf.'”
He added: “The court that just this week crippled unions, upheld Trump’s Muslim ban and race-based gerrymandering might turn conservative. So enjoy your gay marriages now, because as of August 1st you’re back to being roommates.”
Colbert offered his thoughts on who Donald Trump might nominate to replace Kennedy: “I could see Trump appointing Giuliani just to keep him off television.”
Colbert also took a few shots at Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell who told the press yesterday that Trump’s nominee “must be treated fairly.”
“Oh really?,” said Colbert. “That’s like Typhoid Mary saying, ‘Read the sign, guys, all employees must wash hands.’”
Watch the segment below.
