The Ever So Present Trend of Hating on Effeminate Gay Men

Not that this is news is new, but a thread on Reddit became very popular yesterday and has continued to flood in an array of comments that discuss why gay men have the tendency to hate on other gay men who are effeminate.  

It started with this: "Listen y'all, you don't have to date feminine men, you don't even have to be in the same social circles as them but I hate how ignorant and downright bigoted a lot of you are towards feminine gay men. I think a lot of you need a history lesson on the gay rights movement cuz y'all wouldn't be able to fuck your bro-friend and hold hands with them openly without those feminine gay men."

169 comments later (as of now), and we are talking about an issue that quite frankly has been going on for years and years in our community.  The problem with this issue is similar to a lot of other issues within the gay community, in that all we do is finger point and never take the blame for ourselves.  If there is one thing a gay man does not like, it is being called on their own shit that would offend even one person if not thousands.  This is the true case.

So why is our community so harsh on effeminate men, yet we all can kiki and go to the bars to watch RuPaul's Drag Race?  I see men who from a distance are very strong, buff and built in their presence, yet sashay down 7th Avenue like they are working a runway and walk into a bar saying "Hey girl, heyyyyy!", but won't give someone who was born with effeminate traits the time of day.

Why?  Is it embarrassment?  Is it because our society breeds this sort of behavior to where shows on mainstream networks that depict us do it in a stereotypical way that would give us the desire to stay away from these men as they don't want to fall into that category?  What is it exactly?

Here are some of the responses from that Reddit post:

"The meanest people to femme guys are…. other femme guys. In my experience at least. The worst I've heard coming from masc guys is them being outspoken about wanting other masc dudes as partners and really… that's not bigoted behavior is it? Now, I have definitely noticed bottom shaming, always by tops and I never understood that. I love topping and if a guy lets me ram my you know what up his you know where then the last thing I'm going to do is shame him for it. I've literally heard guys just say "ok bottom" as an insult. I just don't get it."

I like that term socially versatile… Although feminine gay guys do help ease the social tension, I find. As long as they aren't abrasive or rude, fem gays can help more masc guys "ease up" so they don't have to try so hard. A lot of times those "bros" are all just trying to be harder than the guys around them, and it just ends up being a really stifling time. So acting fem can be a way to loosen out of that.

Maybe this is just my personal experience as a college student in a liberal city, but I feel that most of the time I'm not welcome in the mainstream gay community because I'm not "feminine" enough. I am preppy and I like sports and beer, and a lot of the people in the gay community where I am view that negatively sometimes for no apparent reason, which quite frankly adds fuel to both my subconscious and conscious biases that I admittedly have.

These three very different comments do bring up a good point that I have taken notice of for years.  The gay community has become an ever growing cafeteria of sorts, where different types, fetishes and more have all found their table to sit at yet refuse to talk to another table for whatever reason they may be.  Whether its shaming a dude for being a bottom, feminine, or more, maybe a lot of us can get that metaphoric stick out of our asses and just accept each other for who we are just like we are striving as hard as we can for culture in itself to do that.

Why hate on one of us when millions of others do it for no good reason?  It makes no sense.  Embrace who you are in this community, and if someone hates on you for it, well… fuck em. 


What do you think?