Yes, Dark Phoenix Is As Atrocious As You’ve Heard

My hand to God, the first thing I did when the end credits started rolling in Dark Phoenix was this: I whipped out my phone and Google’d: “How much was Jennifer Lawrence paid for Dark Phoenix?” 

I couldn’t find a conclusive answer, but I’m sure she was paid a lot… and honestly, I’m sure it wasn’t enough. 

Sitting pretty at a 23% on Rotten Tomatoes as of this writing (and it will probably go down), D.P. really is as atrocious as you’ve heard. Fortunately, this is going to be the last X-Men movie for a minute (not counting 2020’s The New Mutants)

The final X-Men film that’s about the characters introduced in 2000’s X-MenD.P. stars Sophie Turner as Jean Grey, the most powerful mutant in existence. Jean is a good girl deep down, but after a bad CGI effect touches her in space (yeah, they go to space in this), she starts feeling uncontrollable rage.

The bottom line: D.P. takes itself more seriously than The Pianist did. There isn’t a single moment of fun or humor. Some of the CGI looks practically unfinished. Extensive reshoots were done, and it shows. This is a Frankenmovie. More than anything, it’s just plain boring. 

One main character dies really early on. I won’t spoil it, but it’s pretty easy to guess who. It’s a bummer for anyone who’s invested in the character after several of these movies, but also you feel relief for the actor whose contract has received a mercy killing as this once-awesome series nosedives into dreck.

In addition to my question about JLaw’s payday, the other question I was asking myself throughout the film was: Does someone at Twentieth Century Fox have some serious dirt on Jessica Chastain? Like, did she do a hit-and-run? Dine n’ dash?! Because she’s usually so careful about what she says yes to. Here, she plays an alien in a trench coat who eats energy and jumps a lot! 

The few bright spots–there’s just two, actually:

Jennifer Lawrence is still the biggest movie star on the planet for damn good reason. This shitty movie will do nothing to tarnish that, wretched as it is. 

Turner is really good, too. She has towering presence, and she should be fine making the leap from TV to movies. It’s too bad Jean Grey and the story of the Dark Phoenix got screwed once again on the big screen– and this time even harder. 

Guys, seriously, though. This crap makes X-Men: The Last Stand look like Doctor Zhivago! It’s so awful! 

D.P. is now playing in theaters. It’s already on its way to a disappointing opening weekend, which will be followed by a nosedive in weekend two. Enjoy!