In no special order, we're recapping Instinct Magazine's Top 18 stories of 2018.
This one struck us and our readers hard on May 7th of this year.
This past Saturday, in a lengthy Twitter thread, Peter Delacroix shared the story of a gay 17-year-old who had committed suicide as a result of bullying and ridicule.
Delacroix woke up to an email from a teen he referred to as “Max” that was clearly a suicide note. Max was one of a group of queer teenagers that Delacroix counsels as a Youth Pastor at his church.
He immediately rushed to Max’s house, but it was too late. Max had hanged himself, and although CPR was administered, paramedics were unable to save him.
This morning, I found myself up much earlier than usual, so I decided to check my email and just generally screw around on my laptop. During this time, I received an email from one of the queer teens I peer counsel as a Youth Pastor at my church.
1/— Peter "Little Doc" Delacroix (@DocPeteyJ) May 5, 2018
It was a suicide note. I got there as quick as I could, but I was too late. Max was already dead. He had hanged himself sometime in the ten minutes it took me to get there. CPR was attempted, but he had been anoxic for far too long.
2/— Peter "Little Doc" Delacroix (@DocPeteyJ) May 5, 2018
Delacroix described young Max as having “the heart of a lion, the soul of a poet and the smile of an angel.”
Apparently a budding musician, Delacroix says the 17-year-old’s music could “bring you to tears.”
We have lost an amazing, talented young man, lost his voice amid the howling storm of hatred that finally proved too much even for him.
Max’s grandmother asked Delacroix to share Max’s suicide note with the world.
The pastor says he struggled at the request, but eventually shared via Twitter because “I cannot in good conscience silence his last words.”
Repeat – this is being shared by request from Max’s family.
Dear World
You are ugly and dirty and you make me feel ugly and dirty. I have heard all my life that I am a sinner even though I love God and I like to think God loves me too.
I’m sorry Jack that I didn’t kiss you that day. I’m sorry Pastor Pete but please don’t be sad. Mostly I’m sorry Gramma because I know you tried really hard to love me when no one else would. I’m sorry I let you all down. I’m sorry but I’m just tired of all the hate.
I’m tired and want to sleep forever but maybe I will wake up in Heaven and there will be no hate there and only love. No one will call me bad names or hit me or remind me of my accidental place here.
Everyday I watch the news and see the hate against people like me and I realize I have no future. This country I don’t recognize anymore hates me and makes laws to punish me just because I’m gay.
They hate me because I love too much and love too wrong. I learned that my kind of love is bad. I heard it enough to believe it a long time ago.
Everyday someone comes along that tells me that I am worthless and my love, how I love, who I love is an affront to God as if anyone truly knows God’s mind.
I love beautiful things and I cry when they are gone. There is no more beauty left in the world. It has been replaced with this alien thing called hate. Bad people killed all the beautiful things. This is not a world I want to live in.
This is my choice the only choice I was ever given and it is mine alone.
I love you but I won’t miss any of this and I don’t think in the end I will be missed much at all in a world that looks at me like I’m something dirty they found on the bottom of their shoe.
I’m sorry I was weak and that I loved too much.
Max
The pastor did have a final message for Max: “You are wrong about one thing: you *will* be missed, by the entire world, who has been robbed of your beauty.”
And Delacroix had this to say to parents of LGBTQ kids: "Parents, if you have a queer child, hug them and tell them you love them. Do this every day. Tell them they are beautiful and have worth, no matter what anyone else might tell them. Be their armor against hate."
Max’s grandmother has asked those moved by Max’s loss consider donating to The Trevor Project or to a local homeless shelter dedicated to LGBTQ kids.
If you or anyone you know is in emotional distress or having suicidal thoughts, please call The Trevor Project 1-866-488-7386 (thetrevorproject.org) or the National Suicide Prevention Hotline at 1-800-273-8255 (suicidepreventionlifeline.org).
