We need Cole Mercer to protect us. Preferably immediately. And if those legendary-looking buns come with the job, we’re certainly not going to complain.
The 35-year-old Texas content creator and military man describes himself as working in “executive protection” on his profile, which sounds reassuring enough. We definitely don’t need the rest of his resumé. Based on his social media, Mercer certainly appears committed to the uniform, the tactical aesthetic, and keeping himself in impressive shape.
But we’re getting slightly distracted by one particular part of the operation. Those glutes.
Tactical Gear Meets Thirst Trap
Mercer’s Instagram is essentially a masterclass in making protective equipment look considerably more interesting than it probably needs to be.
He regularly appears in videos wearing a bulletproof vest with no shirt underneath, paired with extremely fitted tights that leave very little mystery about the amount of work going into his physique.
And then there are the pants.
Sometimes Mercer skips the tights altogether, only for his trousers to conveniently find themselves falling down.
Accident?
Scripted?
A carefully choreographed social media maneuver?
We may never know.
What we do know is that the internet has eyes, and those eyes have apparently been assigned to the glute department.
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Those Buns Are Working Overtime
There is something wonderfully cheeky about watching someone who literally lists “executive protection” on his profile turn himself into an Instagram thirst trap.
Mercer has the tactical gear. He has the military background. He has the serious-sounding professional title.
And then he turns around.
Suddenly, we’re less concerned about international security and more interested in understanding the training regimen behind what can only be described as buns of steel.
We can’t help wondering how much time goes into maintaining that particular asset.
Because those aren’t exactly accidental glutes.
They’re the kind of glutes that make you wonder whether “executive protection” also includes safeguarding our concentration.
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We Feel Safer Already
Of course, the appeal isn’t just the physique. Mercer has created a social media presence that combines his military background with fitness, confidence, and a healthy willingness to have fun with the image he’s cultivated (and happily shared with us). And frankly, we’re here for it.
There is something inherently entertaining about someone who can look completely prepared for a high-stakes security assignment while simultaneously looking like he could headline a very different kind of calendar.
So if Superman is unavailable, we’ll take Cole Mercer.
He’s got the vest.
He’s got the credentials.
He’s got the muscles.
And apparently, he’s got the pants that refuse to stay where they’re supposed to.
At this point, the only question left is simple:
Cole, when can we schedule our protection detail?