Dating Advice- Actions Speak Louder Than Words? Position Importance?

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From time to time, we get emails from readers about dating, sex, relationships, where to find a man. And honestly, we have no idea!  Some of those letters we respond nicely and don’t share, while others we pass on to you.  So here we go for a series we like to call…

     What’s Your Gay 2 Cents?


Breaking back into dating is not a fun thing. After not dating for many years, I’ve decided to try again. The bar scene is no fun, and the men on the apps are mainly looking for just one thing, a warm hole, quick hook up, a grand release.

Once in a while, you will find that possible dating material guy, and by that I mean he’s not asking for dick pics or positions immediately. I thought I had amazingly found two to possible see where dating would go, they seemed nice, both not my “OMG he’s so f-ing hot” match as the looks were nice, good, dating material. But this past week, they both imploded.  Did I do the right thing Instinct by breaking it off before it began with either one?

1 – Ice Cream Dump – This one guy, we had been actually chatting for a couple of months as he had been moving back and forth and finally settling here. He was new to town and seemed like he wanted to sew his oats so I told him to get back to me once he was done with that. We talked about sexual roles, what we liked, but I was looking to date and not a hook up. A couple of weeks later, he said he wanted to date and actually added he was cutting down on his drinking. It seemed he had settled in and most likely was putting on his dating cap, so I agreed to meet him for ice cream and a walk around town. His suggestion, his boundaries, his idea for less alcohol and not an alcohol infused environment. What a great idea, just to chat and get to know someone.

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But then the day before and the day of, he started to bring up sex and sexual positions. And even hours before we were going to meet, he was clarifying his role. I guess his mind was still all about the sex. I texted him that ice cream was off and he could enjoy his day and his ice cream. In a town of open relationships and tourists galore, this confused one got away and I guess that is fine.

2 – Grabbing for a Relationship – Guy number 2, we had chatted briefly on this app or there, once again, new to town and new to the country, but he stated he was looking to date.  We did not talk too much, but apparently, we both remembered each other’s names and what we both looked like as we ran into each other at a Sunday Tea event.  He was nice, polite, was cute with his accent. We chatted a little bit, stating that he was now living alone for a couple of months by the beach, by the gay beach in town. I hinted wow, now he has a hook up pad. His response was no, he did not desire that, wanted to date people, and was not into the hooking up scene.

He then excused himself to walk around to say hello to some friends. Wow, it was nice to find someone who was not into the hook up scene and were themselves single, too.  Sounds great! I proceeded to hang out with the friend I came to tea with for a little while longer. He knew a bunch of the patrons and that was awesome that he was a talkative and friendly person. Of course, the friendly part of his tour around the bar also included him help unbuckle a guy’s pair of shorts and go elbow deep down the front. He doesn’t have a car so I know it wasn’t him looking for his keys.


Before I parted the bar, he caught up to me and asked me for my phone number.  I told him I would send my number to him on Instagram, one of the apps on which we had chatted before. When we texted that night, I told him that if he was looking to date someone and that someone was in the room, maybe he shouldn’t have his hands down someone else’s pants. I was accused of judging him. Was I judging or was I just stating that his actions were something that I or my friends don’t do? And maybe this is why I should retreat back away from the dating scene as I just didn’t expect shorts diving from someone who was complaining that everyone just wants to hook up and is not looking to date.

So Instinct Magazine, can you or your readers offer any advice? Am I too much of a prude? Should I have kept the date with Ice Cream Dump even though it was sounding like he was stressing hooking up? Should I have just disregarded the visible crotch spelunkering on someone else by Grabbing for a Relationship at the bar??


Two-Strike Chuck

So what do you think Instincters? Is there any sound advice for this reader? Should he try to mend fences with either one or both of these men?  Too prudish to be out in the dating scene? 

2 thoughts on “Dating Advice- Actions Speak Louder Than Words? Position Importance?”

  1. I know gay dating can be difficult, especially in this digital world. My advice I would give is trust your gut feeling, the majority of the time it’s right at least in my case.

  2. Yes dating today sucks. You can be as “up front” or “real” as one would think, and then you’ll still hit the expectation that it’s all just a hook up game. In the case of the first, that was a good call given that it was always supposed to be an ice cream date but he was seemingly shifting it to him trying to hook up afterwards. For the tea dance one, I think you should have given him the benefit of the doubt; yes it looks odd if he’s just grabbing crotch but dudes do get weird at a tea, and you don’t necessarily know the context.


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