Are you a victim of “roaching?” Or are you a culprit of it?
Every year sees a new update to the dating world. As we evolve and understand ourselves and the world more, the ways that we understand and discuss dating change too. And with that comes trends and terms for the ways that we date. Recently, a new term has emerged and it’s called “roaching.”
The term “roaching” refers to when you find out someone you’re dating has hidden the fact that they’re dating (and/or sleeping with) several other people. This isn’t necessarily a new trend or phenomenon in dating. Before it was known as “playing the field,” “being a player,” or something to that effect. So why is it being given this new negative term? To focus on the hostile lack of communication.
The reason “roaching” is being called “roaching” is to go with the imagery of the nasty little (and sometimes not so little) bugs. As Exclusive Matchmaking CEO Susan Trombetti told InStyle, knowing someone you’re dating may be dating other people isn’t a problem. The situation becomes “roaching” when you “realize there are, in fact, many” other lovers.
She adds, “It’s inspired by the ickiness of seeing one of these nasty little bugs — but knowing when you turn the lights on, there are lots of them.”
At the end of the day, people are allowed to date several people when they’re at the beginning of a new relationship. Until you vocalize boundaries and expectations, dating several people is understandable and sometimes expected. That’s especially true in queer circles and right now when Americans are more open and active in the dating scene.
“Now that vaccinations for COVID-19 are widely available in the United States, our research has shown that more singles are looking to make up for lost time: whether that’s meeting new people, having sex, or forming intimate connections, which may result in dating and sleeping with multiple people,” Alanna Lauren Greco, Bumble‘s associate director of editorial content, told The New York Post.
“‘Roaching’ reminds us to prioritize safe sex and to have open and honest conversations with partners around our expectations and preferences,” Greco added. “Some people may not mind how many partners the person you are seeing is sleeping with, but if you do, you should feel empowered to share your boundaries and prioritize your needs.”
So, how do you know if a guy is roaching you? Some telltale signs are if the guy is hot and cold toward you or keeping a distance. If he’s not opening up to you after seeing each other for a while, you already have a problem (roaching or not). If you feel uneasy because he’s keeping you at an arm’s length, he might still like you. Just, he might not be ready to settle to one dating option. Another possible sign is if he doesn’t make or keep plans with you. If a guy’s roaching you, he might be doing this because he’s waiting for “better” plans and options.
But here’s the thing. Don’t panic just because a new term has come along in the dating scene. The best and easiest solution for possible “roaching” is communication. Talk to the guy you’re seeing and ask him what his dating expectations are. And share your own. Of course, don’t ask this to a guy you’ve seen only twice. This is more for a guy you’ve been talking to for a few months.
In the end, communication is key to any kind of healthy relationship (romantic or platonic). So talk to your guy, shine a light on the situation, and move forward (whether that’s with him or with yourself).