If one of your goals was to be a better person, find a mate, or just feel better about yourself and none of that has happened yet, maybe there needs to be some more internal searching and some bigger changes. We recently stumbled upon psychotherapists Ken Howard and his work. Let’s just say his work is not food for thought, but a buffet.
Ken has agreed for us to republish his original post Toxic Gay Currencies: How to Avoid the Attention, Sex, and Status Traps below, but definitely check out his other great content over at gaytherapyla.com .
As a psychotherapist and coach specializing in gay men for over 33 years — working with literally thousands of clients — I’ve had a unique vantage point on the patterns that emerge in our lives and our community. Again and again, I’ve noticed that many of our struggles cluster around what I call “toxic gay currencies.” These are the forms of social “value” we chase — attention, sex, money, status, drama, revenge, and jealousy/envy — that can seem powerful in the moment, but ultimately drain us rather than enrich us. Sometimes we trade in these currencies consciously, and other times unconsciously, because they are woven into our social environments. And while these patterns may feel normal — things we laugh about, complain about, or quietly struggle with — they often hold us back from the healthier, more sustaining forms of value we actually need to thrive.
Far too often, I see gay men investing heavily in what I call “toxic currencies”: attention, sex, money, status, drama, revenge, and jealousy/envy.
These are tempting. They can feel powerful in the short term. They can feel like we are finally coming into our own after growing up with oppression from a heterosexist world. But they are unreliable investments when it comes to long-term mental health, quality of life, and true connection.
Let’s unpack them — and then talk about healthier currencies to trade in, instead.
Attention
Every human being needs attention — it’s how we feel seen, recognized, and validated. In psychology, we talk about narcissistic needs:
- Healthy narcissism is when we want to be noticed for our accomplishments, our talents, or simply our presence in relationships. It’s the natural desire to be recognized and appreciated. We all might feel good if someone gives us a compliment about a new haircut or a new outfit, or compliments some skill or talent that they have seen in us.
- Unhealthy narcissism is when the craving for attention becomes excessive, manipulative, or dependent, when it takes an inordinate amount of time, or money, or energy; when your self-worth rises or falls completely on whether others are looking at you, liking your posts, or praising you. You don’t just appreciate when someone does this, you kind of live for it at the expense of other values.
How to practice self-validation (CBT-style):
- Cognitive reframing: Instead of thinking, “No one noticed me, so I must not matter,” reframe: “I noticed myself, and I matter whether or not others validate me.”
- Behavioral strategies: Write down three things daily that you did well or are proud of, no matter how small.
- Self-talk: Replace “I need others to see me” with “I can see myself.”
- Balanced exposure: If scrolling for validation on apps or Instagram triggers low self-esteem, limit exposure and focus on meaningful interactions offline. Instead of “compare and despair,” use what inspires you in others as motivation to evoke those qualities in yourself.
Sex
Sex is wonderful, powerful, and healing when it’s in balance. But when sex is the only currency we deal in, it becomes distorted. For many gay men, sex is not just about intimacy or pleasure — it becomes a status symbol.
Who you sleep with, how often, how adventurous you are, or how attractive your partners are can become social “currency” to brag about. On the flip side, some men elevate themselves by criticizing others’ sex lives — indulging in slut-shaming, gossip, or moral superiority, calling their sex “illegitimate” or “sick/bad/wrong.” This can mask internalized homophobia and prudishness: “I’m not like those guys. I’m better.” But this is false security — superiority by putting others down.
We need to return to the principles of sex therapy that emphasize balance. I credit Doug Braun-Harvey and Michael Vigorito, whose book, Treating Out of Control Sexual Behavior, discusses the Six Principles of Sexual Health: consent, non-exploitation, honesty, mutual pleasure, protection from STIs/HIV, and shared responsibility. These principles allow sex to have the right role in our lives — not too much, not too little, but a healthy, affirming part of our human experience.
Money
Money is important — it buys stability, healthcare, travel, housing, food/clothing/shelter, cultural events, and dignity/security in retirement. But worshiping money as a god is toxic. Gay men can use how much money they have as a defense against the blows to our self-esteem from a lifetime of minority stress.
The real trap is equating self-worth with net worth. When your entire sense of value is tied to a bank statement, you set yourself up for constant anxiety, comparison, and emptiness that just keeps going.
How to build self-worth apart from net worth:
- Take pride in the relationships you nurture.
- Recognize your contributions — helping clients, mentoring, creating, or volunteering.
- Celebrate qualities money can’t buy: kindness, creativity, courage, generosity, resilience.
- Anchor your identity in passions: art, sports, activism, cooking, writing.
Status
Status is one of the most seductive toxic currencies in gay culture. It shows up in many forms:
- Work status: “I’m at this prestigious company.”
- Social connections: “I know so-and-so celebrity.”
- Gyms and bodies: “I work out at the most famous gym.”
- Zip codes: “I live in the most expensive neighborhood.”
For many gay men, status-chasing is a defense against a lifetime of minority stress. The problem is that status-chasing often leads to elitism and endless comparison. It’s a treadmill that never stops.
How to step off the status race:
- Clarify your values: Instead of chasing external validation, ask, “What actually makes me proud? What makes my life meaningful?”
- Celebrate contribution over comparison: Take pride in how you serve others — clients, friends, community — not just in your title or who you know.
- Diversify your identity: You’re more than your job, your body, or your zip code.
Drama
Gay drama is seductive because it makes life feel exciting, urgent, and important. But it’s often toxic fuel.
- Petty slights: “He didn’t invite me to his party, so I’m cutting him off.”
- Gossip: Spreading rumors about who slept with whom or who “looks terrible lately.”
- Frenemy dynamics: Staying “close” to someone you secretly resent, to keep gossip flowing.
What to do instead:
- Address issues directly rather than behind someone’s back.
- Build friendships on shared interests, not competition.
- When tempted to gossip, replace it with curiosity: “What’s going well in your life right now?”
Revenge
Revenge is one of the most corrosive toxic currencies. It often comes from hurt pride, betrayal, or social slights. It feels powerful in the moment — but it keeps you emotionally tied to the very person you want to be rid of.
Alternatives to revenge:
- Justice vs. revenge: File a complaint or take legal action if needed — not smear campaigns.
- Limit-setting: Say, “I won’t tolerate this. Here’s what I need to continue.”
- Direct confrontation: Healthy confrontation clarifies boundaries without escalation.
- Forward focus: Invest energy in building new connections instead of stewing in anger.
Jealousy and Envy
Jealousy in relationships often masquerades as love, but it’s about control. Envy among friends works the same way — resenting success instead of being inspired by it.
The healthier approach:
- Practice reassurance: remind yourself of your worth and your partner’s commitment.
- Celebrate your friends’ success as proof that good things are possible for all of us.
- Work on your own goals instead of tearing others down.
The Alternative to Toxic Currencies: Mature Values
So what should we trade in instead? I’d call these the healthy currencies:
- Self-respect.
- Emotional maturity.
- Sexual empowerment.
- Financial responsibility.
- Authentic connection.
- Peace of mind.
- Forgiveness.
- Empathy and gratitude.
Final Thoughts
As gay men, we’ve already lived through enough history of being marginalized and told we’re “less than.” Why do that to ourselves with toxic currencies? We don’t have to.
The real power comes from maturity — from knowing your worth is not dependent on how many followers you have, how many partners you bed, how much you make, or where you rank in some invisible social caste system. Plan backwards: think of how you want to feel at the end of life, and start living that way now.
If you’d like support in trading out toxic currencies for healthier ones, I’d be glad to help. I work with gay men across California in therapy and worldwide in coaching.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR of Toxic Gay Currencies: How to Avoid the Attention, Sex, and Status Traps
Ken Howard, LCSW, CST is one of the nation’s most experienced psychotherapists and coaches for gay men, with over 33 years in full-time practice. Through Telehealth on Zoom, he provides therapy to clients across California and coaching services to gay men throughout the U.S. and worldwide. Ken is the founder of GayTherapyLA and GayCoachingLA, host of the Gay Therapy LA Podcast, and a former Adjunct Associate Professor at the USC Suzanne Dworak-Peck School of Social Work. He also shares practical insights on Instagram and YouTube (@gay_therapy_la).