Being Average Looking in the Gay Community


What is it like being average or even unattractive in the gay community? I think I had about a year and a half in my lifetime when I felt attractive.  Yes, of course we all have the friends that will back you up when you are down, are the first ones to cheer you up, and are there through thick and slim.  You're attractive to them because they know your insides, personality, blah blah blah, but that doesn't cut the mustard all the time.  Friends telling you attractive doesn't always cut it in the gay world. 

Being attractive seems to be pretty much a necessity to feel a sense of belonging in the gay community.  Sure, you can go out with friends, travel, experience life, but it can be mentally and emotionally dangerous to travel with more attractive friends when you'll most likely be the one going home alone as the others pick up a guy or two. It's a little lonely as well as depressing not to get talked to when out.  Yes, you can exude confidence, socialize, and dance like no other, but that doesn't seal the deal when looking for someone that is physically attracted to you. 

I often play a little game when I go out and when I remember to play, I usually "win" every time.  I look at the bar, club, venue and pick the two guys I find the most attractive to me.  I'll sometimes forget about them, but later on, 8 times out of 10, I'll see them talking, communicating, and eventually leaving together.  Move over Millionaire Matchmaker, I have better odds.

And sometimes that what us lonely guys revert to … playing mental games at the club.  It gets tiring to stand there and be the best self that you can with what you are working with so you have to do something else.  And sometimes you don't try, then you try too much, then you aim for the middle of the try-ness road and the results are the same.  I was out the other night with friends and I said to the group that I thought one guy was really attractive.  It turned out I didn't possess what he was looking for and he ended up being very interested in and flirtatious with one of my good friends.  I had no beef about it at all for we all like what we like … and I'm use to it. 

Jerry Plaza published an entry on last year that I held on to and read once in a while. Here is an excerpt.


As someone who is particularly average looking, I’m constantly third best. We’ve brainwashed ourselves into thinking that value lies in how f*ckable we are. If a man can’t imagine having sex with me for the rest of his life, there’s a slim chance we’re going on a second date. I can’t sneak inside his mind to change it, so where does that leave me?

When I was a boy, my mother constantly validated me. “You’re the most handsome boy in the whole school. Don’t tell anyone.” She would say. We made it a game and it was always fun to pretend we were stars. But at some point I became an adult and realized there were judgments in the world I couldn’t control, and I had to adjust.

The trouble is that it’s hard for anyone to see past what I look like before assessing my value. It’s something we habitually do without thinking of the consequences. We’re used to judging the package rather than seeing what’s inside.

I’ve seen gay guys watch viral videos of gorgeous gay couples on Instagram and whisper to themselves, “Oh my god. I want that.” And you know what? I want it too. But I can’t help but wonder if it’s the relationship we want, or if we just want to be a hot guy dating another hot guy—like a romantic gay porn film.

The truth is we want both. We want to be hot and we want a hot boyfriend, but we can’t have a hot boyfriend if we’re not hot ourselves (or so we believe). So it’s a never-ending circle, and no matter where we’re at, we always believe we can do better—our dates can be hotter, our face can be more masculine, our attitude can be manlier, our image can be tweaked etc.

An average looking person in the gay community tends to think he is never enough, yes, partly because he doesn’t have enough confidence, but also in large part because the world doesn’t light up when they see us. –


For more from Jerry, head over to and read the rest.

I think I meet about one guy a year that the feeling of mutual attractiveness exists.  Am I being too picky? Do I need to lower my standards? My friends know my type of guy I'm attracted to and it's all over the board.  To get an idea of my range, we all have our star crushes, but my range from Patriots player Rob Gronkowski to All American Rejects lead vocalist Tyson Ritter.

But as gay men, do we have too high of an ideal to aim at?  Do we base our attractiveness on how much sex we have or how attractive our group of friends are?  But then again, every group of friends does have the token average or less than average guy. It's good to know how we fit in or where we belong.

I live in one of the gay meccas in the United States. Everyone tells me I should be hooking up every night, week day, weekend, and during brunch.  If all I was looking for was a warm hole or to be someone else's, I guess I could do that.  I don't know about you, but I like to be attracted to the guy I'm with and I would like to think he finds me attractive.  Quality not quantity. 

Since I don't have a successfully notched headboard, my "conquests" come from a different category than completed mutual orgasms.  I've reverted to not acknowledging the sexual conquests as wonderful successes for they are often too animalistic when and if they every happen, but I have instead found immense joy when someone that I find attractive tells me that they find me attractive, too.  That joy, that rush, that comment lasts so much longer in my head and in my heart than any joy a hook-up could bring.  For those of you that hear that compliment all the time and glaze over it, believe me, it means a great deal to some of us. 

If you want to know more about the "Average Guys" pic used, head over to


What do you think?