One young reddit user posted three days ago that he was not too happy with his experiences with the gay community. In I don't feel like I belong to the gay community and it's devastating me, he states why he feels this way. Maybe he should have read our Going Out Tonight? 7 Other Places To Look For Your Mr. Right That Aren't A Bar.
Here is the entire reddit post.
Hi all. So I'm 23, British and a gay male. I've only ever been in one relationship (which was highly abusive) and I lost my virginity at 20 (same guy). I ended the relationship with this guy about 2 years ago when I escaped and came back home to England (he was Italian).
Leading up until that relationship, and now since, I've had very few gay friends or experiences of any guy showing any interest in me beyond a hook up. I'd say I'm a good looking guy, my friends and strangers always comment on me being good looking… I was scouted for modelling once. My friends always say when I go to clubs everyone is checking me out but I just don't want a quick casual thing… I don't know why I'm this way I just… Don't want no strings, I've always wanted a relationship.
This, in addition to the fact I've only ever been intimate with 1 guy, and only ever really got past first base with like 3 guys makes me feel really alien and rejected in a community which for the most part enjoys casual sex… I hate Grindr and that mentality (I don't judge it, it's just i don't like doing it) and I really believe in and desire a long lasting, meaningful relationship with someone I could settle down with and maybe build a life with… Yet it seems that most other gay guys don't want that and are put off by it.
Sometimes I even wonder whether I'm transgender because I have the mentality and relationship perspective of my straight girl friends. I don't have any other reason to think I am but I often find myself asking and punishing myself for not being more like the other gay guys I know who are much more casual and just want no strings… Every time I've even tried to get closer to a guy he's expected a BJ on the first date or sex before we even get to know each other… I on the other hand want some cute date and a walk then maybe that first kiss in a romantic setting… Idk :/
I'm even considering moving to Canada because I just can't stand being such an alien to the UK gay scene anymore. My friend who lives there said she found that people are more like me and looking for meaningful connections idk.
Please don't see this as a judgy post because I really hope it doesn't seem that way… I'm just so depressed and devastated and alone nowadays that I am just losing hope in living. I don't fit in with straights because I'm gay and I don't fit in with gays because I don't feel like I'm a normal gay guy… I feel like that weird guy that wants a relationship….
Am I doomed to be alone forever…? Why don't I fit in? What am I doing wrong…?
EDIT: I'm really so speechless by the flood of positive and reassuring messages in this thread. It's really made me not feel such a freak and weird for wanting something more real. Thank you all so, so much. I'm gonna try and reply individually but there's just so much to absorb and think about. Thank you again.
There are many reasons why we may not feel part of a community. This guy narrows it down to just wanting love, a relationship, someone that's not looking for a quickie. I'd send him my number, but he lives a little far away.
What advice do you have for this guy?
Does "it gets better" apply here?
Or is it more … you need to change your ways if you want the results to change?