“I Don’t Feel Like I Belong To The Gay Community And It’s Devastating Me.”

One young reddit user posted three days ago that he was not too happy with his experiences with the gay community.  In I don't feel like I belong to the gay community and it's devastating me, he states why he feels this way.   Maybe he should have read our Going Out Tonight? 7 Other Places To Look For Your Mr. Right That Aren't A Bar.

Here is the entire reddit post.

Hi all. So I'm 23, British and a gay male. I've only ever been in one relationship (which was highly abusive) and I lost my virginity at 20 (same guy). I ended the relationship with this guy about 2 years ago when I escaped and came back home to England (he was Italian).

Leading up until that relationship, and now since, I've had very few gay friends or experiences of any guy showing any interest in me beyond a hook up. I'd say I'm a good looking guy, my friends and strangers always comment on me being good looking… I was scouted for modelling once. My friends always say when I go to clubs everyone is checking me out but I just don't want a quick casual thing… I don't know why I'm this way I just… Don't want no strings, I've always wanted a relationship.

This, in addition to the fact I've only ever been intimate with 1 guy, and only ever really got past first base with like 3 guys makes me feel really alien and rejected in a community which for the most part enjoys casual sex… I hate Grindr and that mentality (I don't judge it, it's just i don't like doing it) and I really believe in and desire a long lasting, meaningful relationship with someone I could settle down with and maybe build a life with… Yet it seems that most other gay guys don't want that and are put off by it.

Sometimes I even wonder whether I'm transgender because I have the mentality and relationship perspective of my straight girl friends. I don't have any other reason to think I am but I often find myself asking and punishing myself for not being more like the other gay guys I know who are much more casual and just want no strings… Every time I've even tried to get closer to a guy he's expected a BJ on the first date or sex before we even get to know each other… I on the other hand want some cute date and a walk then maybe that first kiss in a romantic setting… Idk :/

I'm even considering moving to Canada because I just can't stand being such an alien to the UK gay scene anymore. My friend who lives there said she found that people are more like me and looking for meaningful connections idk.

Please don't see this as a judgy post because I really hope it doesn't seem that way… I'm just so depressed and devastated and alone nowadays that I am just losing hope in living. I don't fit in with straights because I'm gay and I don't fit in with gays because I don't feel like I'm a normal gay guy… I feel like that weird guy that wants a relationship….

Am I doomed to be alone forever…? Why don't I fit in? What am I doing wrong…?

EDIT: I'm really so speechless by the flood of positive and reassuring messages in this thread. It's really made me not feel such a freak and weird for wanting something more real. Thank you all so, so much. I'm gonna try and reply individually but there's just so much to absorb and think about. Thank you again.

There are many reasons why we may not feel part of a community.  This guy narrows it down to just wanting love, a relationship, someone that's not looking for a quickie. I'd send him my number, but he lives a little far away.

What advice do you have for this guy? 

Does "it gets better" apply here?

Or is it more … you need to change your ways if you want the results to change?


h/t:  reddit.com


16 thoughts on ““I Don’t Feel Like I Belong To The Gay Community And It’s Devastating Me.””

  1. Reading this post and some of

    Reading this post and some of the replies makes me feel a little less alone in this world. Thank you!

  2. Hello Adam Dupuis I know this

    Hello Adam Dupuis I know this was quite a while ago but I don't belong in the LGBT community either. I came out as Androsexual nearly 3 years ago (attraction to men), I've tried everything, an lgbt bar, an lgbt support group, lgbt pride, an lgbt dating app but none of them have worked out for me.

    I've never even had a relationship before so I'm still a virgin and probably always will be because I don't feel comfortable about having sex. I thought I was transgender because I've mostly befriended females over the years and most of my few friends are women. I'm Agender so I consider myself as neither male/female. So I'm starting to wear mostly plain black clothes.

    I have smooched an Androsexual man at a pride event last year with permission on the cheek. I enjoyed it and cherished the brief experience and memory ever since in case I never have a relationship. Instead I'm currently trying to recover asbestos I can from depression with counselling and keeping myself busy, distracted and doing things I enjoy movies, cooking, gardening. I'm 24 nearly 25. By the way moving to somewhere else doesn't mean it'll work out but it's your choice at the end of the day and I support that. Good luck to both of us then. X

  3. There’s millions of men out

    There's millions of men out there, and you only need one at a time to love! Love yourself first, stay happy,stay healthy surround yourself with good, and wonderful human beings. One of these days this man will find you, because you made yourself bright and beautiful!  Enjoy life everyday.

  4. Hi! My name’s Robert

    Hi! My name's Robert (otherwise known as parisnapoli) and I wrote this Reddit post!

    It was so crazy to wake up this morning and to be told that somebody had written about my emotional ramblings! Thank you so much!

    Since I wrote the post and have seen the reaction from other gay people, I've really started to feel so much better about myself and my worth. I really cannot thank you or every person that comments with a reassuring, supportive message enough. I mean that.

    I guess I'm not so alone after all! 🙂

    Thanks again!

  5. I had to wait until I was 30

    I had to wait until I was 30 to find my husband. It will be 21 years on the 18th of August. "one day your prince will come." You are not unique so be patient my dear!


  6. I was in a relationship for 8

    I was in a relationship for 8 years in which I was monogamous and loving toward my partner.  

      Now more recently single, I feel like something has changed in society while I was out of the loop.  I put myself on the on-line apps on got hundreds of messages that did nothing but make me shake my head wondering where had all the people with any class gone to.

      Strangely, quite a few of the messages I got on line would question my motives.  People would claim that THEY, unlike "everybody else" are ultimately looking for someone less superficial but with the attitude that "I'm never going to find anyone like that here, so why even look for it?"

      I live in Canada and the superficiality exists here as it exists anywhere.  But I'm convinced that if you remember to BE YOURSELF, be clear with yourself and with others about who you really are and don't change for anybody, the universe will eventually find ways to put like-minded quality people into your life. 


    • How in the hell did you

      How in the hell did you gather that? Obviously you're just too uneducated to read properly. He wants sex.. Just not casual sex for Christ's sake. Some people just don't like whoring around. Call them a sexual, they'll call you a slut. Have a good day, sir. 

  7. The more I got into the scene

    The more I got into the scene, the more I realized that 'gay' has less to do with sexuality than with being 'fabulous'.  I've met several men who are for all intent and purpose asexual yet toujours gai!

    Take the 'u' out of 'guy' and replace it with an 'a' and you get something so distinct that it may as well be the anti-guy, men of a certain age who have strong opinions on Gaga vs. Madonna, have a favorite Golden Girl, know every episode of 'Glee'. This last is significant since so many gays suffer from arrested development: they've never really left high-school.  They all want to be the the Homecoming Queen presiding capriciously over the most popular table in the lunchroom, dating the quarterback.

    Those of us who consider ourselves guys and who like guys are very much at sea in the Proud Gay Community.

  8. This post could have been

    This post could have been written by myself 4 years ago. Feeling alienated by the community I was trying to fit in with. Wanting something the rest of the community just didn't seem to want.

    Now, I'm engaged to the most amazing man.

    Trust me, from one "alien" to another….there are guys out there who want the happily ever after. You have to unfortunately go through a lot 1st dates to find the one. 

    My advice, don't look for it. Live your life, make new friends with similar interests to you, go out and have fun. That one guy will fall into your life when you least expect it and that is how you'll know it's real.

    hope this helps



  9. Never made a comment before –

    Never made a comment before – but here goes.  I have been openly gay all my life (well since i was 7 and new that gay was different gay).  When i went off to college (in the late 70's) I ran into the same issue.  I would joke that I was more lesbian than gay male since they seemed relationship oriented.  – the old joke – what does a lesbian bring to a second date—- a uhaul; what does a gay man bring to a second date —–???? second date??.  In time I did meet and have a couple of long term relationships – the most significant I met at a gym, we were together for 12 years until he passed from brain cancer.  My last partner and I were together for 8 years – we met in the neighborhood were we lived.  I still do not spend much time in the "gay community" but have learned that there are many communities that exist and that in any one of these places  you can attract the right person for you – just relax and be yourself

  10. I usually don’t comment but

    I usually don't comment but this time I feel like I have to. Why ? Because I want to show you and whoever is reading this we are more than we think that don't feel like being part of this LGBT community. I related a lot with your story.

    One of my very good girl friends is bisexual and is currently dating a girl who is a very good friend of mine too. We catch ourselves talk often about how we don't connect and don't relate to the whole gay scene. Lesbian for her and gay for me.

    As you, I am a young gay man of 22. I grew up in Geneva, Switzerland where the gay scene is still VERY underground. I couldn't wait to move to Paris for my studies so that I could express my real self and be around people like me : gays. I was convinced that I was going to find the gay friends I always wanted.

    18 yo I left home and moved to the big city and literally went from 0 to a hundred. When I rethink about it, I honestly wasn't very charmed by the whole gay scene. But I finally got what I always wanted so it was time for me to try and mark my prints in this new territory.

    I can say now that my first year was very.. GAY. But by the end of this first year, I found myself lost and with no self esteem. Spent my year jumping from one relationship to another one because none of the guys I've met and dated from the gay scene were here for relationships and romances like I was. I ended up believing I was the problem. Something was wrong with me. Was it because I wasn't giving myself sexually (I mean fully, BJ and shit I was here for it, I am no saint) ? Maybe. Today I'm thanking the universe for not letting me give my ass so easily. Even trying to make gay friends wasn't possible. They either always expect you to have something, sexually or not, going on. Or they are TOO dramatic and emotionally draining.

    Anyway, after this year when I realized how damaged I was, I decided to take a step back. For months I concentrated on rebuilding my confidence. I ended up concluding that I wasn't here for the whole gay community. And don't get me wrong. I am not judging it and the last thing I want is disrespect it. I still am very grateful for everything the community fought for, our rights and our freedom. I mean, I'm always here for the pride walks and will always show support to the community when it comes to our fights. But for the rest. Count me OUT. Me and the gay scene are very DIFFERENT.

    I ain't here for the techno music ad techno remixes of RnB and Hip hop music. I ain't here for Madonna. I ain't here for the beauty standards the community communicates on. And you know which ones I am talking about. I ain't here for the definition of masculinity the gays highlight. I ain't here for the Grindr shit and casual sex. I ain't here for the walking into clubs or bars feeling like a fresh piece of meat. I ain't here for the divas and drama queens. I ain't here for the darkrooms. I ain't here for the " You, bottom or top?" before the "How are you?".

    LITERALLY, the only thing I am here for are the Drag Queens.

    Like you I am a young guy, interested in experiencing re-la-tion-ships and romances. I want a man, not boys and fuck-boys. A man who'll take me out to the restaurant and have a walk for our first date, for example. A real mothaf****g man. I related a lot to your words : " Sometimes I even wonder whether I'm transgender because I have the mentality and relationship perspective of my straight girl friends." I am surrounded by more women in my life than men. And when it comes to the men I am friends with, most of them are straight.

    I work in fashion but I ain't about that life where I show off an image of a successful gay guy working in luxury, super fancy, posh and precious. I don't only listen to diva music. Yes I am a huge fan of Beyonce, Rihanna, Nicki, Adele, etc but I am also a HUGE fan of Kanye, Kendrick, Drake, J Cole, Usher, August, Dj Khaled, PND, Tory, and many more.

    I understand your frustration and where you come from. I do go out sometimes to gay places but only because I mostly go out to "straight" places where I find the music and the kind of people I love the party with. But it is frustrating to go out in places where you do feel yourself but where you never get to meet and flirt with a nice guy.

    My point is, don't feel devastated. It can be frustrating but trust me, it is even more frustrating to be or act like someone you are not. To not feel connected or to not relate to the gay scene is ok. First of all because you sexuality doesn't have to define who you are. #FUCKTHELABELS  And second of all because you are free to be whoever you want to be wherever you feel like it.

    You asking "What am I doing wrong ?". Here's what you are doing wrong : you're trying to fit into one of those two worlds. Make both of these worlds fit YOU. BE YOU. The rest will follow.

    I am an ambitious french-latino young guy of 22 who will only settle down for a real committed and honest relationship with (again) a real mothaf*****g MAN. AND I am very religious.

    And you ? Who are you ?

    😉 Take care of you mista. Don't forget to never settle down for less than what you think you deserve.

    PS : I just got back from one year living in Canada. Your friends are right, gays are way more communicative and willing to really commit. But it's not a reason to just move away. Yes you might fit in better but again, I don't think it's a question of finding where you'll fit the best. I sincerely think it's a question of figuring out how to make people around you FIT YOU.

    Do you, boo wink

    • I barely know how to adequately respond to the beauty of your message. Thank you so much, I’ve been in-need of healing lately, … I’m more of a video game programmer than I am gay, the way I live life, but I feel very isolated in both worlds.

      I needed to hear this.. sometimes it’s so hard to continue on, trying to being yourself, when you feel so alone doing it. I’m that person that loves derivatives (math) and building the systems for my dream RPG one day like RuneScape or MapleStory (programming). I don’t like sex, I love hugs and cuddling (when it’s with someone meaningful to me and vica versa!). Previously, I thought that romantic relationships always need sex, so I’ve given into pressure in relationships to go farther than I wanted to in that way.

  11. I felt myself like that about

    I felt myself like that about 17 Years ago, I spent so much energy feeling like that, after a few years I started to enjoy my gay way of life, and I said MY GAY WAY OF LIFE.

    Now, am 36 and still single, wishing and desireing a great partner/husband/boyfriend/lover to build a life, I know that if ain't now it'll be at it's own time, don't rush, just let it flow and DO NOT waste those wonder years (your age) cause you are SO young and you can do it all, just do it and do it all again, do what you feel but do it.


  12. I have never felt the “rah

    I have never felt the "rah rah rah" of the gay community.  I was distressed and horrified about it but then I discovered me from an "I only date this with that one and with this size and color and smell and etc, etc" individual.  I realized my non conformity has always turned and chaffed the normality of this…….I walked away throwing my hands up saying eeeehhhhhhhh…..I'm OK with it. My life is dictated by both the gay and the non gay world and I  don't expect either one of them to embrace me to make me feel better about my lot…..we are all born with choice and I choose to make my happiness one that doesn't conform to either one but to life….mine and all others.  Helping those live less fortunate, from humans to animals, especially animals……I'm happy and content.

      If someone loves me for it, then I choose to love them back unconditionally!  I am HAPPY!!!!!  If you wish to talk, email me…….I would be glad to simply speak through the challenges you're facing!!!!!

  13. I thought i was the only one

    I thought i was the only one feeling like this, may we all find the one who really are destined for us…☺


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